For a second there was total silence.
"I gave you a chance," I told him, my voice quiet.
Quintus Cassius's liver-spotted face went pale with horrified comprehension. "Wait."
"Mouse," I said. "Kill him."
I had only one open eye with which to watch Cassius meet his end. But in that final second, rage and terror and horrified realization flashed through his eyes. And just as Mouse's jaws crushed the delicate bones of his neck, there was a flare of ugly energies, a flash of unholy purplish light around him, and he spoke words that rang in echoes totally out of proportion to their volume.
"DIE ALONE," he spat. he spat.
A flood of power hit me and my vision went black.
The last thing I heard was the snapping of bone.
Chapter Thirty-eight
I didn't wake up. didn't wake up.
It was more like I felt myself putting together some kind of awareness, the way a stagehand constructs a set. Evidently I was a minimalist, because the reality I awoke to was a bare black floor, a single hanging lamp overhead, and three chairs.
I walked forward into the light and stared at the chairs.
In one sat Lasciel, again in her angelic, blond, wholesome form. She wasn't wearing the white tunic, though. Instead, she was clothed in an Illinois Department of Corrections prison jumpsuit. The orange suited her hair and complexion quite well. She wore prison shackles, wrists and feet, and sat primly in her chair.
In the second chair was me. Well. It was a version of me, some kind of subconscious alter ego of mine. His hair was clipped shorter and neater than mine, and he wore a dark beard that was kept in similar fastidious order. He wore a black silk shirt, black trousers, and his hands (both of them) were unmarred, his finger-tips held together in a steeple that rested on his chin.
"Another dream," I said, and sighed. I slumped down into the third chair. I looked more or less as I had when I woke up that morning. My shirt was slashed open, though there wasn't any blood on my torso, and my skin hadn't been pounded and ripped with a chain. Wishful thinking.
"Not precisely a dream," the subconscious me said. "Call it a meeting of the minds."
Lasciel smiled, very slightly.
"No," I said, and pointed at Lasciel. "I've said everything I intend to say to her." I turned to my alter ego-though on thinking about it, maybe alter id was more accurate. "As for you, you're sort of a jerk. And the whole look you've got going there says 'evil wizard,' which I am now professionally opposed to."
Alterna-Harry sighed. "I've told you before. I'm not some sort of dark demon. I'm simply the more primal essence of yourself. The one most concerned with such matters as food. Survival." His dark eyes flickered idly over Lasciel. "Mating," he said, a lazy growl to the tone. He looked back to me. "The important things in life."
"That I am even having this dream probably means that I need a good therapist," I said. I stared at my other self and said, "It was you, wasn't it? You wanted to pick up the coin."
"Make sure you remember that I am a part of you before you point any fingers," he said. "And yes. The potential for power in an alliance with Lasciel"-he inclined his head to her, a courtly, gentlemanly gesture, damn his chivalrous eyes-"was too great to simply ignore. There are too many things out there determined to kill you. So long as you keep Lasciel's coin, you both have the option to seek more power if necessary to protect yourself or others, and and you prevent the coin from being used by unscrupulous sorts like Cassius." you prevent the coin from being used by unscrupulous sorts like Cassius."
I grimaced. "So?"
"So," he said. "This is a time to consider employing a portion of that power."
I stared at him and said, "You've been talking to her behind my back."
"For months," he said calmly. "It was only polite. After all, you wanted nothing to do with her."
"You asshole," I said. "The whole reason I wasn't talking was that I didn't want the temptation."
"I did," my subconscious said. "Honestly, you should listen to me more often. If you'd taken my advice about Murphy, she wouldn't be in Hawaii. In bed with Kincaid."
Lasciel coughed gently and said, "Gentlemen. If I might offer a suggest-"
Both I and my alternative self said, at the same time and in exactly the same voice, "Shut up."
Lasciel blinked, but did.
My double and I eyed each other, and I nodded slowly. "We're in agreement, then, that her presence and her influence are dangerous."
"We are," my double said. "She must not be allowed to dictate actions or to direct our choices through suggestion or manipulation." My double looked at her and said, "But she can and should be used as a resource, under careful control. She can offer us enormous amounts of information." He eyed her again and said, "And amusement."
Lasciel left her eyes down and smiled, very slightly.
"No," I said. "I've got Bob when I want information. And if I want sex, I'll...figure out something."
"You don't have Bob now," my double said. "And you've wanted sex since about twenty minutes after the last time you had it."
"That's beside the point," I told him sullenly. "I'm not quite insane enough to let a fallen angel give me virtual nooky, just for kicks."
"Listen to me," he said, and his voice became sharp, commanding. "Here's the cold truth. You are determined to take us into battle against forces you cannot possibly overcome through main strength. Not only that, but your source of assistance, the Wardens, may also turn against you if they learn the truth about what you're attempting. You are wounded. You are out of contact with your other allies."
"It's the right thing to do," I said, setting my jaw.
My double rolled his eyes. "Tell me, is it morally necessary for you to die in the process?"
I glowered at him.
"This meeting is just a formality, you know," he said. "You are already planning on asking Lasciel's shadow for her help. That's why you read through the book as you did before it was taken from you. You wanted it to go through your mind so that she could see it, and provide you with the text as she did for the summoning of the Erlking."
I lifted a finger. "I only did that in case I wasn't able to pry enough out of Grevane to figure out exactly what Kemmler's disciples are doing."
My double arched a brow. "How'd that work out for you?"
"Don't be a wiseass," I said.
"The point," he said, "is that you have little or no chance to prevail if you blindly rush in. You must know how they intend to manipulate these energies. You must must know if there is a weak time or place at which to assault them. You must know the details of the Darkhallow, or you might as well cut your own wrists." know if there is a weak time or place at which to assault them. You must know the details of the Darkhallow, or you might as well cut your own wrists."
"Don't have to," I told him. "I could just sit and wait for the Erlking to come by."
"Six of one, half a dozen of another," my double agreed. "In addition, your body is in no condition to do anything anything at the moment." He leaned forward. "Free her to help us." at the moment." He leaned forward. "Free her to help us."
I inhaled slowly and stared at Lasciel for a moment. Then I said, "After I killed Justin and got my head together at Ebenezar's place, I promised myself something. I promised that I would live my life on my own terms. That I knew the difference between right and wrong and that I wouldn't cross the line. I wouldn't allow myself to become like Justin DuMorne."
"Don't you want to survive?" my double asked.
I rose from the chair and started walking into the darkness outside the light. "Of course I do. But some things are more important than survival."
"Yeah," my double said. "Like the people who are going to get killed when you die and don't stop Kemmler's disciples."
I froze at the edge of the darkness.
"Take the high road if you want to," my double said. "Choose to walk away from this strength in the name of principle. But after your noble death, everyone you no longer protect, everyone who might one day have come to you for help, everyone who is killed in the aftermath of the Darkhallow-every life you might have protected in the future will be on your head." life you might have protected in the future will be on your head."
I stared at the darkness and then closed my eyes.
"Regardless of where it came from, Lasciel offers you the power of knowledge. If you turn aside from that power-power only you you can take up-then you abandon your commitment to protect and defend those who are not strong enough to do it themselves." can take up-then you abandon your commitment to protect and defend those who are not strong enough to do it themselves."
"No," I said. "That isn't...that isn't my responsibility."
"Of course it is," my subconscious said, voice clear and sharp. "You coward."
I stopped and turned, staring at him.
"If you go to your death rather than do everything you might to prevent what is happening, you are merely committing suicide and trying to make yourself feel better about it. That is the act of a coward. It is beneath contempt."
I went through the logic of his argument and didn't make any headway against it-of course. While my double might look like another person, he wasn't. He was me.
"If I open this door now," I said slowly. "I might not be able to close it again."
"Or you might," my double said. "I have no intention of allowing her any control. So you will be the one who determines it."
"What if I can't contain her again once she is freed?"
"Why shouldn't you be able to? It's your mind. Your will. Your choice. You still believe in free will, do you not?"
"It's dangerous," I said.
"Of course it is. And now you must choose. Will you face that danger? Or will you run from it, and so condemn those who need your strength to their deaths?"
I stared at him for a minute. Then I looked at Lasciel. She waited, her eyes steady, her expression calm.
"Can you do it?" I asked her bluntly. "Can you show me what was on those pages?"
"Of course," she answered, her manner one of subservience without a trace of resentment. "I would be pleased to offer you whatever assistance you permit."
She looked humble. She looked cooperative. But I knew better. The mere shadow of the fallen angel Lasciel was a vital and powerful force. She might look humble and cooperative, but if that was her true nature she wouldn't have fallen to begin with. I didn't think she was harboring murderous impulses or anything-my instincts told me that she was genuinely pleased to help me.
After all, that was the first step. And she had patience. She could afford to wait.
Dangerous indeed. Lasciel represented nothing less than the intrinsic allure of power itself. I had never sought to become a wizard. Hell, a lot of the time I thought about how nice things might be if I hadn't been one. The power had been a birthright, and if it had grown since then, it had done so by the necessity of survival. But I'd tasted a darker side to the possession of power-the searing satisfaction of seeing an enemy fall to my strength. The lust to test myself against another, to challenge them and see who was the strongest. The mindless hunger for more that, if once indulged, might never be slaked.
One of the coldest, most evil souls I have ever encountered once told me that the reason I fought so hard to do what seemed right was that I was terrified to look within me and see the desire to cease the fight and do as I would, free of conscience or remorse.
And now I could see that he had been right.
I looked at the fallen angel, patiently waiting, and was terrified.
But there were innocent lives at stake: men and women and children who needed protection.
If I didn't give it to them, who would?
I took a deep breath, reached into my pocket, and found a silver key there. I threw it to my double.
He caught it and rose. Then he unlocked Lasciel's shackles.
Lasciel inclined her head to him respectfully. Then she walked over to me, gorgeous and warm in the harsh light, her eyes lowered. Without a trace of self-consciousness, she sank down to her knees, bowed her head, and said, "How may I serve you, my host?"
I opened my eyes and found myself on my back. There was a candle burning nearby. Mouse had curled himself protectively around my head, and his tongue was flicking over my face, rough and wet and warm.
I hurt absolutely everywhere. I'd learned to block out pain under the harsh lessons of Justin DuMorne, but it went only so far.
Lasciel had shown me a different technique.
I couldn't have explained to anyone what I did. I wasn't sure that I understood it myself, at least on a conscious level. I simply knew. I gathered the pain together and fed it into a burning fire of determination in my thoughts, and it began to steadily recede.
I exhaled slowly and began to sit up. My brain registered the screaming torture of the muscles in my stomach-it just wasn't horribly important, and took up little of my attention.
"My God, Harry," Butters said. His voice was thick and slurred, as if he were holding his nose. His hand pushed on my shoulder. "Don't sit up."
I let him push me back down. I needed a couple of minutes to let the pain continue to fade. "How bad is it?"
He exhaled. "It's pretty hideous, but I don't think he actually perforated the abdominal wall. Skin and tissue damage, but you did some bleeding." He swallowed and looked a little green around the gills. "That's my best guess, anyway."
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, fine. It's just...I work with corpses because I just couldn't handle...you know...actual living people."
"Heh. You can eat lunch while looking at a three-month-old corpse, but first aid on my stomach is too much to handle?"
"Yeah. I mean, you're still alive. That's just weird."
I shook my head. "How long was I out?" I was surprised at how calm and steady my voice sounded.
"It's been about fifteen minutes," Butters said. "I found some bandages and alcohol in the old man's duffel bag. I've got your belly cleaned and covered, but I don't have much of an idea of how much trouble you're in. You need a hospital."
"Maybe later," I said. I lay on my back, poring over what Lasciel had given me about the writings in the book. Hell, the thing had been written in German. I didn't know German, but Lasciel had translated the text about the Darkhallow. It felt like we had talked about it for an hour or more, but dream time and real time aren't always lockstepped.