Silence. They didn’t even have a reason to argue. There was nothing to break the silence.
“I haven’t figured out if I want to go abroad,” He Luo said. “I need to see Zhang Yuan’s plan.”
He Luo told Zhang Yuan, “I’ll just take the test for fun. I don’t really need to apply for overseas.” His response was plain: “It’s good if you apply for that.”
He replied, “It’s your future. I can’t make the decision for you.”
He Luo was unhappy. “We’re discussing the future of us both, not mine alone. I didn’t say I must go abroad, I just wanted to listen to your plan.”
It appeared that He Luo has double standards. If back then he was admitted into Tsinghua, will she still ask him to give up on his dreams? Zhang Yuan was depressed. He was still the same person. He had just slipped up once, was it enough to negate his entire self?
“Young’un, you’re lacking experience after all.” Those was what they often said. Zhang Yuan would rather they mock him than sympathise him, at least that was more bearable. He pondered about it over and over, where he can find an opportunity, how he can get recognition. He thought too much. By the time he realised, it was already final exams.
This time He Luo returned, she came home with a first class scholarship. She was visibly happy about it and was evidently high-spirited the entire time. When they took the taxi, Zhang Yuan was quiet. The temperature inside the car lowered to a freezing point. The two was forced to start a conversation, and the driver piped in, “Listening to your accent, it doesn’t seem like you’re a local.”
The driver was envious. “The capital is a great place. You can even see the National Day parade.”
Right now, he could still respond appropriately, but what about in the future? What about when she travels to an even wider world? He had once vowed that not applying abroad was the true test for one’s ability. But now, it was like what she has once said: Winner takes all.
*
Dad was helpless. “This is not some kind of rare disease. Look, even if you take her to some ordinary doctor or to the chief physician, the diagnosis would be the same. Other than eating well and getting enough sleep, there’s no other solution.”
“It’s good for her to be a little sick. That way her immune system can be strengthened,” Dad tried to comfort his wife. “A fever is actually good to detoxify the body.”
Why would he say those words? It must be the fever scrambling her brain, messing her memories, and making it seem like her nightmare was real.
“Stop playing around.” He Luo pulled on his sleeve but her hand was gently removed. He turned around to leave, leaving He Luo on the side of a street at eight at night. It was minus thirty degrees, so cold even the snow falling on her eyebrow would not melt.
She said she was tired from the running and wanted to rest. Yet he actually said not to run anymore, that it was game over.
Sitting behind him, sketching his side profile like a silly girl. Under the yellow streetlight, his laughing face as he said, “He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.”
They hugged, kissed. In the winter, she was holding baked sweet potatoes, he was holding her hand. Without him, her life was blank. Yet he actually ended their relationship just like that, saying, “I’m not the kind of person that you want.”
By the time she snapped to her senses, she had already stood in the cold for half an hour. The chill had seeped into every corner of her body. She shivered, her teeth chattered. It was only then that she realised she had been standing in the same place, staring in the direction he had went. I want to go home, she thought. While there’s still some warmth left. It’s too cold here. Where’s her mom’s embrace?
*
Was there a need to continue to badger him for an explanation? She wanted to tell him that she couldn’t live without him. Perhaps this was true, but she couldn’t say it. She has her determination and her own pride.
“I don’t know anything about drama.” She shook her head.
“What competition?” He Luo was surprised. “And since when you’ve joined the drama club? I didn’t even know.”
“Oh…” He Luo smiled, no longer talking.
He paused. Seeing He Luo’s focus on him, he continued, “That girl hold onto my hand, shouting, ‘Ah, my dear father!’”
He Luo laughed briefly and leaned her head on Tian Xin’s shoulder. Looking down, she quietly sighed, “If he can be moved, will we even break up?”
“I don’t know,” He Luo replied. “As long as Zhang Yuan has made his decision, I’ll unconditionally support whatever he wants to do. What I want is not to go abroad or become a postgraduate student. I want us to be together. But each time I can’t convey this wish properly, it’s like I’m lowering my pride to beg him. Have you heard of the song I Care for You The Most? I like everything about the song except this part where they said, ‘So I beg of you, don’t let me leave you.’ It’s too subservient.”
“Having chosen our class, not only aren’t you paying attention, you’re even thinking of that useless bastard!” Cai Man Xin was so angry that she grabbed He Luo’s notebook. He Luo resisted and the two of them engaged in a tug-of-war over the book.
“Look at that brat. He often looked down on social sciences but now he’s always present in this class. He’s up to something.” Cai Man Xin made a ‘heng’ sound but then smiled. “To be honest, don’t you find Shen Lie pretty good? He’s really, really, really better than Zhang Yuan.”
“If you know it’s a sunk cost, then why are you still investing in it?” Cai Man Xin pursed her lips.
Cai Man Xin sighed. “Feelings are a complicated matter, there’s really no logic to it.” She then continued, “I have never cared for someone as much as you do. Say, how do you know that you’ve fallen for someone?”
Cai Man Xin breathed a sigh of relief. “Good thing I haven’t experienced my loss of self. I think in the future I won’t either.”
Everything becomes pointless. He Luo tossed and turned in her sleep every night. Her hurting self was defeating her pride and arrogance. She can just throw away her pride, she can lower her head. Whatever Zhang Yuan wanted, she would give him. So be it. Even though my heart is anxious, I’m even more worried about losing you.
*
He Luo was briefly stunned. She didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t tell any of their old classmates about what happened that winter. She vaguely answered, “Oh, same old, same old.”
We have already broken up. Did he say that exactly? In what tone? With nostalgia or with indifference? Perhaps the latter.
Zhao Cheng Jie then laughed. “Didn’t you initiate the breakup? We’re all guessing that it’s because you’re looking down on us who are in the provincial university after going to Beijing.”
Zhao Cheng Jie was silent for a long while before finally understanding what she was getting at. “In the past, was there a lack of pretty girls who had a crush on him? How could it be he who initiated the break up… he loves you so much. Back then he even stood more than twenty hours on the train just to go to see you in Beijing.”
He Luo didn’t dare to turn around. As soon as the tension in her shoulders relaxed, tears were drenching her entire face.
Yes. He loves me so much. He once loved me.
Sitting in the 24-hour bus, she wrote a long letter to reminisce of their moments together:
But you really let go when you said you would. Have you ever thought that the person next to me in the future won’t be you anymore? Perhaps you don’t even care, do you? But when I think about how the person next to you won’t be, my heart hurt until it ached, so much that I wish I didn’t hold onto these feelings for you.
In a fit of emotions, she wrote it all down. The next day was a weekend. She returned to her room to sleep. For the first time, she slept peacefully and serenely. When she woke, she read the letter and realised how subservient she sounded, like a damsel in distress crying in despair, kissing the prince’s feet, begging for God’s salvation.
To hold out her hand, to cry and beg for a person to change his mind, all these things He Luo couldn’t bring herself to do.
She didn’t want to completely disgrace herself.
Since autumn, all the way to the break up in the winter, was he ever warm and kind to you? Did he experience your happiness and sadness? Did he ask about what was going in your life? Did he thought seriously about your life and future together?
Is his dream also your dream? Do you think he’s working hard? Do you think his future is brilliant and bright? Do you believe that he’ll surpass your everything? Does his pursuit in life intersects with yours? Can he give you the life you want?
What you feel for him, is it still love? The so-called determination and heartache, is it because of your attachment to him or simply because of your nostalgia for your youthful memories?
The weather was gradually growing warmer. Out of the blue, He Luo opened a fragrant bead bag. The lilac scent permeated the midnight air. It was a common flower in her hometown, in floral language it was dubbed the ‘first love’. In its sweet fragrance, there was a hint of melancholy.
The next day He Luo sat for the TOEFL exam. He Luo’s hearing skill was always decent, grammar and reading even more so. After taking several mock exams, she was dragged to the examination hall by Cai Man Xin.
As serene as she felt since yesterday afternoon, her heart still carried melancholy.
“Relax yourself. I wish you good luck!” Zhang Yuan had said.
“My luck is always good.” He tilted his head and smiled. His confidence infected He Luo. The world was suddenly bursting with the taste of summer and became all that much brighter.
Cai Man Xin saw how He Luo enjoyed the chocolate and teased, “Hey, don’t just focus on eating and forget how to answer questions later.”
By the time she returned to her dorm, it was already noon. The lazy Ye Zhi was bleary-eyed when she asked, “How was it? Did you answer the questions smoothly?”
Cai Man Xin overheard as she passed their room. She ran over and popped her head in to say, “Don’t listen to her nonsense. There are only a few questions I couldn’t grasp accurately. Her answers and mine aren’t that different, she’ll definitely have no problem with the other questions. I’m a 650-mark candidate, you know.”
“How’s that possible? I believe in you, you’ll definitely get 600 and above,” Cai Man Xin said. “Besides, if you don’t do well this time, there’s still next time.”
“You’re really not ambitious!”
“Stop arguing,” Ye Zhi said, as she slipped back into her covers and continued her sleep. “He Luo just subconsciously doesn’t want to go overseas. If she can avoid GRE, that’s even better.”
Cai Man Xin widened her eyes at her. “Are you still harboring some kind of fantasy?”
“You should be thinking about your future and not let another person obstruct your dreams.” Cai Man Xin stomped her feet. “Some people are worth it, some people aren’t.”
“I can’t be bothered with you. I’m going to grab lunch.” Cai Man Xin walked away in anger. “In these few months, has he given you any kind of explanation?”
He was not the person he once was.
The dorm room was quiet, the lights weren’t on either. Out the window facing south was the tall French sycamore tree, the sunlight weaving through the leave to spill on the long wooden table in the room.
The first one was the long letter full of self-pity, the second one was written last night. There was only one sentence: “Tomorrow I will be sitting for my TOEFL. What about you? What are you doing? Goodbye, my first love. Goodnight.”
Ten minutes past midnight, He Luo suddenly became sober.
No more no why, no more no cry.
Love has come to an end, but one’s lifetime is still so long. You have let go, I can now soar without any worry. All this, I’ve already understood. Please, give me some time to forget.