Daytime in Beijing was very warm, reaching 12 to 13 degrees at noon. When He Luo went to buy her train ticket, she didn’t even wear her woolen coat. The warmth of the oncoming southeast wind sweeping into the tiny gaps of her sweater made her very fluttery. It was like spring has come. In that moment, He Luo truly felt reluctant to leave Beijing.
“Stop pretending.” Zhou Xing Yan glanced at her. “Look at your small and big bags. Are you really only going home for three days?”
“Did you manage to get a return ticket?” Tong Jia Ying asked. “There will be a test in Philosophy of Mao class on the 3rd. When are you going to start preparing for it?”
“Fine. We’ll call [kou] you.” Zhou Xing Yan pursed her lips. “Kou, kou, kou, I’ll kou [hit] you to death! Why must you say you’re going to my home? If your parents find out I’m your accomplice, I am dead meat! There are only about 20 days more to go before the holidays. If you don’t go back, will you suffocate to death?”
Just thinking how she would be able to meet Zhang Yuan in a dozen of hours made her heart sing with delight. From the bus to the subway, all the twists and turns she took to reach the train station made her want to stick out her tongue from the humidity.
Why did she insist on returning during the three days new year break? Did she really miss him so much that she couldn’t even be patient for another 20 days? No, that wasn’t the case.
Showing off like this was not a sign of self-confidence. What was it that she didn’t believe in? What exactly was it? He Luo was unwilling to think too deeply.
She really, really loves him.
Even if the novelty of her new life bury her longing, his figure would inadvertently leap into her mind every now and then. A falling leaf, a gust of wind; a sunset and a song. When she thought of him, the taste of sweetness and sourness would entangle.
We should be together, so blissful that world will look on and feel envious.
He Luo was in train no. 12 but left through train no. 11’s exit to get him to quicker. But funnily, Zhang Yuan was approaching train no. 13 to find her. He looked a little anxious yet hopeful, standing on tiptoes while being so tall made him look somewhat silly.
“Ah!” His smile carried traces of laughter. “Please have mercy on me on account that I have to take care of the old and young in my household.” He obediently raised his hands in sign of surrender. “Are you going to rob both my money and innocence? If you’re aiming for money, this humble person has nothing to speak of. If you’re aiming for my innocence, then I’ll reluctantly give myself to you…”
Zhang Yuan snickered, shoulders raising and dropping as he laughed. He turned to take He Luo’s luggage and placed it on his shoulders. His hand reached for He Luo’s. The station was packed with people so He Luo held tightly onto his arm. “Something about you changed,” she said. “Why is your chin so square now?”
“Ah, is there?” He Luo reached for her chin. “Where? Liar!”
“It’s okay, I have a seat. There’s even an empty seat next to me. It’s just that the heater is too warm, causing me to sweat.”
“Yeap. Blood oranges and navel oranges. They’re both delicious.”
“But it won’t be the ones I always eat in the dorm.” He Luo looked up, smiling at Zhang Yuan. “I want you to try them.”
The girls’ dorm of the provincial university was guarded strictly. Boys were banned from stepping in at all. The two of them carried the luggage all the way to the concierge and came across Zhu Ning Li who was leaving the building. She looked surprised to see such a sight. Zhang Yuan took the initiative to greet her. “Hey Chocolate, come and meet your saviour.”
“Even if you want to beat me up or kill me, you have to do me a favour first.” Zhang Yuan pulled the luggage he was holding. “I can’t enter.”
“It’s the room opposite mine. Whose bed did you borrow? Why didn’t she come and help you with the luggage?” Zhu Ning Li asked. “Anyway I’m going to go study.”
He Luo tugged at his sleeve. “Don’t bother someone else. I can really carry them, didn’t I bring them all the way here from my university?”
“You’re really…” He Luo patted him with a smile. Looking into her bag, she took out another two oranges. “These female round navel oranges are better tasting, they’re sweeter.”
Zhu Ning Li remembered how during class meeting, Zhang Yuan had slowly stood up. “If I smile at you everyday, do you think you’ll feel secure?” There was even a hint of laughter in his words. But when he was handing her the oranges earlier, the corners of his lips were curved. He was smiling from his heart, a smile that reflected his happiness. Was this boy in front of her truly the cold and aloof Zhang Yuan? His expression was warm, his entire self radiated sunshine. When she showed He Luo the way in, she discreetly turned around to look at Zhang Yuan. So it turned out that when Zhang Yuan smiled, he looked really good.
“It’s you who said your course doesn’t have many girls and told me to go and make up in numbers.” Zhang Wei Rui showed her a pure white shirt with a leaf print. “If I wear this with that dusty pink striped sweater and tweed skirt, would I look okay?”
“Why?”
“He Luo?”
Zhang Wei Rui sighed lightly. “And here I thought anything serious happened. I’ve long known that Zhang Yuan has a long-distance girlfriend. I’ve already said, I only think that having a brother like him is nice. Did you think I’m going to your faculty’s dance for him?”
Leaving the dorm, Zhu Ning Li felt angry at herself. She felt that her action was a little cruel. But a short period of despair is better than a long one. She desperately tried to convince herself that what she was doing is right. She has to nip such emotions at the bud, once and for all. Zhang Wei Rui was a child who was even afraid of going to the dentist’s. To push her like this shouldn’t be wronging her.
“Do you know how to dance?” Zhang Yuan asked He Luo.
“Of course, of course I know how to dance!” Zhang Yuan laughed. “But I only know some folk dances. Forget about it, let’s go.”
“Isn’t it just hugging and embracing each other?” Zhang Yuan moved closer to her ear. “I’ll let you do whatever you want to me later, isn’t that enough?”
“Then, will you let me do whatever I want to you?” His foot was stepped on.
Zhang Yuan sighed. “Big sis, I really dance very poorly. I’ll ruin your romantic fantasy.” The two of them stood on the sidelines of the dance floor, both a little rigid. His faculty had invited a few more experienced dancers for demonstration. Zhang Yuan glanced at them warily, before extending his hand to He Luo.
“If I’ll embarrass myself today, then so be it,” Zhang Yuan said. “I’ll throw all my pride out. I’ll count to three and we’ll make the most basic steps.”
“One, two, three.” Zhang Yuan followed the beat of the song. “Let’s go.”
He Luo was so embarrassed her face reddened.
*
And yet the moment she appeared, his winter has ended. The moment she spoke, the entire world smiled for her. The skies emptied, the Antarctic glaciers melted, melting into surging waves, drowning Zhang Wei Rui… Her heart ached. Something was squeezing her heart, making her clench her fists tightly.
Zhang Wei Rui turned around and walked out the door.
Winter in the north was truly cold.
But it was the way he smiled at someone else that felt the coldest.
The world has plunged into purgatory since.
Five minutes. Ten minutes. The refined-looking girl has yet to return. He Luo was a little worried as she glanced at the lavender coat hanging at the corner.
“Nothing.” He Luo forced a smile. Lowering her head, she realised she didn’t feel the satisfaction that she thought she would. She was like a warrior, valiantly rushing over the battleground to battle her imaginary enemy who turned out to be a charming girl. She became a coy girl beside Zhang Yuan, every end of her conversation was a high-pitched “Ge~”
She wanted to retrieve her lost pride.
That girl, too, has a genuine smile, genuine tears. What right did He Luo have to show off, hurting the girl with her happiness? She bit her lip, desperately questioning herself in her mind. Dancing with Zhang Yuan, hugging him, wasn’t this something unquestionably natural? Even if she was deliberately showing this sight to that girl, did she do anything wrong?
“Did anyone see Wei Rui?” Zhu Ning Li asked after she returned from the washroom.
Zhu Ning Li pondered for a moment before walking out the door with doubt.
“We should also leave.” He Luo turned towards Zhang Yuan.
*
“You scared me!” Zhu Ning Li threw Zhang Wei Rui’s coat on her bed. “I was really worried I would find you frozen into popsicles tomorrow morning.”
“If you want to cry, just cry.” Zhu Ning Li sat next to her friend, grinding her teeth. “I knew this would happen. That woman really is vicious.” She fell silent for a moment before sighing. “But she didn’t do anything wrong. They are a couple, to embrace each other in such an environment is just natural. You, on the other hand, are not living up to your words. You even said you didn’t fall in love with him at first sight.”
“Go ahead!” Zhu Ning Li pushed her shoulder. “Hurry up and go! If you can’t even move on from little things like this, then you might as just die right now. What does this even matter? In one’s life, there are so many things that are more upsetting.”
“I don’t have such a mentally insufficient friend,” Zhu Ning Li said. “Let’s see if you’ll just dream up what siblings fantasy dream! Now you have to wake up, okay?”
He Luo and Zhang Yuan walked towards the concierge, where the gap in the door swept cold wind inside.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I shouldn’t be so provocative [obvious].”
“But I… did it on purpose,” she admitted. “Gracious, considerate, intimate… all that I wanted them to notice.”
I have told you every detail. What more do you want? He Luo, oh He Luo. You don’t trust yourself, you don’t trust me either, he thought.
You have come back, I’m happy about that. I also want to be together with you every hour of the day. I was so happy I couldn’t sleep for an entire night, even the cold north wind felt warm as I waited for you at the station. Yet you travelled miles to come here, was it because you missed me, or because you doubted me?
In that moment, his heart had never felt warmer and softer. Zhang Yuan turned around to embrace He Luo in his arms. “I know. I understand,” he said. Didn’t she ultimately come back? Isn’t it because she cares about him? Isn’t it because they can’t lose each other!?
“I was jealous, I was being petty…” He Luo’s voice was small and helpless.
But now there was something he feared.
Because, in He Luo’s heart, he was no longer the invincible Zhang Yuan. This thought made him felt cold to his core, so cold that he trembled.
The snow they trampled on squeaked under their weight. “Go back and change into warmer clothes,” Zhang Yuan said. “Later on we still have to welcome the new year.”
“Ah!” It was so cold that she trembled. She turned and saw Zhang Yuan, waving at her with a smile.
“You’re still attacking me!” He laughed. “Didn’t you see I’m not retaliating?”
“Even if I stand here without moving an inch, you won’t even be able to hit me.” Zhang Yuan laughed, facing the endless attacks of snowballs. He intercepted one, and returned fire, hitting He Luo’s coat. “Can you see the gap between us? Your aim is too bad, so you’ll just have to live with being a moving target.”
Seeing her approaching figure, Zhang Yuan smoothly bent sideways. “Even if you’re going to be the villain, you shouldn’t be so petty.” His laughter rang through the night.
“Is your leg stuck in the snow? So shameful.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “Look at you, like a penguin. Oh right, there’s not much difference between you and a fat little penguin. Almost the same.”
“Then you don’t want to see the snowman I made?”
“You want to see?” Zhang Yuan pointed at the snowball she was holding. “Put down your weapon and put both your hands behind your back. Slowly walk over.”
Zhang Yuan smiled and grasped her hand in his. He pulled her to the other side. Eyes made from briquettes, nose from carrot sticks. So it turned out she was viewing the snowmen from behind. “You went up for so long. See, they even have a kid now.” Between the two snowmen, there was a little baby made from snow.
“Who said? I made snowmen in my first year and second too.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Do you want to try? I’ll teach you how to build one quickly.”
Zhang Yuan squatted down, patting the top of the snow baby’s head. “Good child, your mom is here. Very soon you’ll have siblings to play with.”
He smiled as he watched her work, as if he was able to forget about the past, and not think about the future.
It had been yet another year.
[illustration by Choi Mi Kyung]