VOLUME 5
Prologue
The red evening sunlight shining into the AV room after school was laced with the early November chill.
“Thanks for all the hard work on the scenario!”
Those sincere words warmed an otherwise cold room.
Wait, a surprisingly optimistic prologue for once?!
“That’s right. So you can leave the rest to us as you work on your new light novel. Goodbye, Kasumigaoka Utaha – forever.”
And the good vibes vanished as the golden-haired twintailed tsundere sweeped in like the chilly late-autumn wind.
“How rude of you, Sawamura-san. Don’t come crying and begging on your knees a month from now when you don’t meet the deadline.”
Now this is more like what I’m used to.
A girl with long, black hair delivered those acidic words, her expression and tone equally disinterested.
“Oh, I’m hurt. Someone’s finally concerned about your well-being and this is how you treat them? It’s no wonder they say all authors are eccentric, narrow-minded and generally bankrupt of character.”
“I think we should be more concerned about illustrators who escape to anime, games and comics while pretending the deadlines won’t come back to smack them?”
“Can we not fight on this joyful occasion? Please?”
I guess it’s time to once again introduce the two ladies, squaring off in their usual places from opposite sides of the room.
In this corner we have the anime, games and comics escapist, who draws faster and more beautifully the more desperate things become—also known as the renowned illustrator Kashiwagi Eri, the half-English, half-Japanese, golden-haired-and-twintailed student in my grade: Sawamura Spencer Eriri.
In the other corner, we have the eccentric, narrow-minded, bankrupt-of-character writer of bone-chilling plots and creator of terrifying characters—the amazing novelist Kasumi Utako, better known as the long-and-black-haired upperclassman: Kasumigaoka Utaha-senpai.
But of course, this prologue wouldn’t be complete without a self-introduction. And so in the middle—the combiner of Japan’s hundred most potable springs1 and Mo**michi’s olive oil2,3, and representative of the little-known doujin circle 「blessing software」: Aki Tomoya.
This is the story of passionate otaku fighting to revive a dying trade.
Riding a wave of neo-eroticism and cultivating their own unique brand of moe and passion, this virtually unknown group became one of the “shutter circles”4 in a matter of a few conventions. Their drive, mutual trust and love were eventually captured in a light novel.
…But we’ll set aside that daydream for now.
The subject of today’s meeting was not one of the usual agendas—sudden and unexpected trouble, pushing back deadlines or the alleged embezzlement of production funds—but to commemorate Utaha-senpai’s completion of all the game’s scenarios.
Unfortunately…
“Your petty provocations mean nothing to me. Now that the scenarios have been completed, there’s absolutely no place left for you in this circle. So would you kindly take your leave, Kasumigaoka Uta- I mean, Kasumigaoka-se-n-pa-i?”
Will these two ever stop?
“Are you sure, Sawamura-san? If you drive me away now, where will you turn when you’re completely destroyed later on?”
“What nonsense. There’s no chance of that happening.”
The tension between the two would only rise as the evening dragged on.
“Sup, Tomo! I’ve got a new song～”
The door of the AV room suddenly flew open, and a loud cheerful voice reverberated throughout.
“Mi, Michiru?!”
“Man, Toyogasaki’s really far. I left right after school and it’s already evening!”
In the doorway was a girl slinging a guitar, dressed in a huge ribbon as well as the eye-catchingly white uniform of another school. She was completely drenched in sweat despite the cold, and her hair seemed to rustle as she grinned at me.
“Forget that, what’re you doing here on a weekday?”
“I just had a sudden urge to compose last night, so you just have to hear it today.”
The archenemy of otaku everywhere (especially those of the same sex) and puller of heartstrings, our ani-songwriter and vocalist of the rock band 「icy tail」, and also my cousin of the same age: Mitchie, or more accurately: Hyodo Michiru.
“Couldn’t you have just sent me the audio file?”
“You just don’t get it, do you, Tomo? It’s different when you play it live. Just listen to this.”
“It’s not going to be live in the game!”
“Aww, don’t sweat the small stuff. One, and…”
“Michiru!”
As if to prove her point, my cousin sat on top of a desk and cradled her guitar, seemingly oblivious to the surrounding atmosphere.
She sat cross-legged, of course, which made the muscular things barely concealed by the hem of her skirt all the more obvious.
“…”
“…”
And in that instant, the air in the room, which had been so heated before froze over. And over. And over. And over again.
“God, why can’t you just stand and play? Or sit on a chair and play?”
“Huh? But I don’t wannaaaaaaaaa.”
“Look, Michiru, I’m really happy that you wrote a new song for me, but playing it now would be just a bit much. Besides, we wouldn’t want Uncle getting worried over you staying out late again, right?”
“Aww, can’t I just stay over for the night? My clothes are still in your room.”
“N-n-not so fast, Hyodo Michiru!”
Eriri’s distinctive voice cut in like diamond dust.
She really has a thing for full names, huh?
“You can’t keep showing up like this! And in that uniform!”
“Oh no problem, I always tell security that I’m here for a joint practice and they just let me in.”
Michiru’s craftiness and nerve really are the best.
…Her grades still suck though.
“Anyway, it’s not like I’m not a circle member like everybody else. No need to be so cold.”
“But…”
“In any case, I’m still not interested in this whole otaku thing, but Tomo said he just had to have me no matter what, so I have no choice but to get along with the rest of you.”
“W-well, he said that to me too!”
I did? Did I?
Wait, why does it even matter?
“S-so what happens if circle activities get suspended because you keep sneaking in like this? How are you gonna answer for it then, huh?”
“Aw, come on, there’s no way that’ll happen. Not unless we suddenly decide to engage in weird sexual activities or something.”
That escalated from illegal entry pretty quickly.
“What would a non-otaku like you know anything about eroge in school?”
And you, Miss Doujin Illustrator, are being too conservative.
“I don’t get it. You two can send your drawings and scripts by email too, so why meet up?”
“Ah, erm, well you know, we’re in the same school and we live kinda close…”
“And I’m family…”
“Nnnnnnnnnnnn-Ka, Kasumigaoka Utaha!”
“See, Sawamura-san, I believe I did warn you about crying and begging me for help?”
And so the crying Nobi…Eriri, who could not withstand any more damage, tapped out and was replaced by Dora…Utaha-senpai.5
Weren’t these two just fighting a moment ago?
“You know, Hyodo-san, I’ve really come to appreciate your enthusiasm and you bending your own principles to accommodate the rest of us.”
“Nah, it’s not you I’m here for.”
“Right, so that’s why we don’t want you to feel like we’re forcing you anymore. Feel free to leave when you’re done playing.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me Utaha-senpai had the Wh*te A*bum6 on.
“Isn’t that to my convenience?”
“Or in other words, to ‘conduct or to appear to conduct oneself in a manner most beneficial to themselves, usually at the expense of others.’”7
“…What are you trying to say?”
“What I’m saying, Hyodo-san, is the foundation of the circle is the group, not the individual.”
“Well that’s pretty obvious. I do come from a band you know.”
“But of course. The vocalist is always the center of attention.”
“…I won’t understand if you keep beating around the bush, Senpai.”
“Then I’ll get straight to the point. Yes, you’re part of a team, but one in which you step all over others to reach the top.”
“What?!”
A far cry from Eriri’s disorganized and emotionally charged ranting, Utaha-senpai’s more calculated and logical approach had Michiru visibly troubled.
…Well, both arguments were pretty emotional, but the difference in effect is clear to see.
But as Utaha-senpai, wielding her sophistries, prepared to finish her opponent off for good…
“That’s pretty rich coming from somebody who manipulates her editor as she pleases.”
“And I guess I was mistaken for assuming you wouldn’t backstab me like the loser you are, Sawamura-san.”
…she forgot about the fire still smoldering behind her.
These two really make a great tag team.
“Hey, Katou.”
“Hmm? What is it, Aki-kun?”
As ice and fire raged on in their epic battle in the middle of the AV room, I gave the girls the slip as soon as I could. I sought refuge by the windows where the last member of our circle observed—no, she couldn’t even be bothered to do that—remained absorbed in her smartphone.
“What do you keep doing on your smartphone? I’ve been meaning to ask you for quite a while.”
“Oh, I’ve been playing Pu**** & Dragons8. See?”
“Wow, thanks for that stale answer.”
So there sat a ponytailed and forever non-confrontational girl who had arrived even earlier than me today.
A natural at being ignored, no one could ever be bothered to pick a fight with Classmate B over here. They say “I think, therefore I am”, but I’m not sure she does much thinking at all.
Working behind the scenes at—correction, 「blessing software」’s main heroine and scripter-in-training: Megumi “I Will Not Get Rid of My Ponytail” Katou.
“Well, any member of an otaku circle has to play games once in a while.”
“But we’re a niche galge-making circle. We can’t be seen touching mass-appeal products.”
She always speaks with a certain je ne sais quoi.
Certain microexpressions and nuances, sometimes a little devilish, sometimes a little halfhearted—I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure this girl out.
“Well, anyway, I guess it’s a good thing that the scenario’s finally sorted out.”
“Yep. Now it’s going to be our battle this final month.”
“I guess it would be good if we could make Winter Comiket.”
“Oh, we will. I’ll make sure of it.”
The way she speaks can really put me at ease sometimes, though.
There’s no chance she would ever conflict with or conspire against the other members, and I always feel like I can talk to her truthfully about our circle.
“And by the way, you really let it grow out, huh?”
“Oh, you mean my hair?”
But I can’t afford to be satisfied with the current state of affairs.
I created this circle with the intent to make Katou a main heroine that would steal the hearts of all.
That kind of “I turned around and she was there”9 safe, stable and conservative tea-drinking heroine simply wouldn’t do.
“Losing the short ponytail means that you’ve cheapened your character even further, Katou.”
“Hmm, but isn’t a ponytail supposed to be like, you know, what’s it called? A ‘moe’ point? I think?”
“…You’re not nearly sly enough to use it.”
And so I once again reaffirmed my commitment to transform the 3D Katou into the virtual bishoujo Kanou Meguri.
“And besides, how do you expect me make you ‘moe’ if you keep changing your hairstyle like that?”
“Aki-kun, your unreasonable standards aside, I wish you would stop treating my hair like your plaything.”
“Well, it’s your fault for tying your hair in a ponytail in the first place. People can’t resist pulling on dangling ropes, you know?”
“That’s obviously an exaggeration, Aki-kun.”
“It’s true! I can resist a short ponytail, but any longer and I’d find myself pulling yours…”
“Sigh.”
Right now Katou’s hair is at the perfect length.
It’s so easy to grasp, run through and comb that I was playing with it before I knew it.
“…Say, Katou, did you know that your hair is meant to be swirled around your fingers?”
“Never mind that, Aki-kun, but remember what I said about playing with my hair?”
“Hmm?”
“Everybody’s looking this way, Aki-kun.”
“Mm…huh? Oh. Oooooooooooh.”
I…hadn’t noticed.
“…Wh-Why are you treating her hair like it’s yours?!”
“…Are you trying to validate your existence as a creepy otaku?”
“…Even normal couples would be embarrassed about doing that.”
“Eh…”
It appears that the riotous AV room had reverted to its original, noiseless state some time ago.
“Well first of all, I’d like to know how both of you even got this close!”
“You should just die now that you’ve discarded your ethics, Ethics-kun.”
“Wow. Now I’m really angry. So angry I don’t know why I’m angry. Hmpf. Co-eds.”
“G-Girls, please! This is all a mistake!”
Their eyes stared daggers as they mistook my benign otaku idiosyncrasies for the lust of a normal teenage boy.
So this is how you create a misunderstanding…
Or so I thought as I began to tremble in fear.
“Ah well, I guess I’ll have to do something about this, Aki-kun.”
“K-Katou?”
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my savior would come in the form of the girl standing right next to me. I watched spellbound as she stepped boldly between the other three and me, and as she regarded them with her usual flat gaze, she very austerely declared:
“Um, well, in times like these, I think you’re supposed to blush and say ‘You…you gotta be kidding me! Who would want anything to do with this loser!’ and then begin bashing up Aki-kun… or something like that?”
“…Ah, that’s so Sawamura-san.”
“Mmhmm, that’s totally what the golden-haired half-blood loser would say.”
“Why is everyone targeting me?”
I can’t explain why, but the conclusion Katou created was beautiful.
Deadpan’s Wonderland:
1Meisui Hyakusen in the original text – a list of the hundred most drinkable springs & streams in Japan designated by the Ministry of Environment.
2Hayami Mokomichi – actor, model and cook with an unhealthy obsession with olive oil.
3Expression based on a proverb shared by both languages – “like oil and water”.
4Designation given to the most popular doujin circles at events like the Comiket, a level above the “wall circles”.
5Eriri is Nobita and Utaha is Doraemon from, well, Doraemon.
6Ultra-powerful armor from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, see JoJo’s Bizarre Encylopedia.
7In the original text, Michiru uses the word “勝手” which roughly means “at my convenience” but doesn’t translate nicely into a single English word. Utaha then retorts with a dictionary definition.
8Puzzle & Dragons. Wow, that was a really long time ago.
9Reference to a 90s Japanese drama of the name 「振り返ればヤツがいる」.