Published at 19th of November 2019 06:50:16 PM
Chapter 88
Chapter 88 – It’s Darkest Before Dawn (1)
I thought I would be lonely after all my good friends left . The reality was rather the opposite; Sovieshu decided to hold a banquet in celebration of his first baby, and I was busier than before .
“You mustn’t go . ”
Laura shook with anger .
“Even if it’s with a group, or close friends, you shouldn’t attend . ”
There were different obligations between attending a banquet versus a large ball, but if I didn’t come to celebrate Sovieshu’s baby, I may end up hurting Sovieshu . I didn’t want to ask my friends to make me feel better .
“I know . ”
My face was of forced calm, but irritation bubbled beneath the surface . I didn’t want to smile while everyone celebrated Rashta and the Emperor, nor did I want to have to feign ignorance when people stared at me . However, the banquet was already scheduled, and I could not back out .
Four days after Sovieshu decided on the banquet, I walked around the palace mechanically, giving instructions . Eventually I stole away and hid myself away at a secluded bench . I sat there, suppressing the anger that was mounting in me .
Four days ago, it was Sovieshu’s secretary that told me there would be a banquet for the first child . Sovieshu had the wisdom to have his secretary deliver me the news, and then he went on an inspection trip to another province . I hadn’t seen him since . With my current mood, there was a chance I would step on his foot as soon as I saw him .
I sat there alone, when I became aware of the sound of approaching footsteps . I didn’t want to lift my head, so I lifted my hand to shade my eyes . It would likely be a government official, a court official or a knight anyway . They would turn around or pass .
“…”
However, the footsteps halted in front of me . I lowered my hand and raised my head .
It was Sovieshu . He must have just arrived back from his inspection, as he was wearing a dark brown travelling cloak and his hair was unkempt . Our eyes met, and he spoke with a slight frown .
“Are you feeling unwell?”
I could hear voices instructing servants to unload luggage not far away . There was also the mingling of other voices that were difficult to make out .
“I’m fine . You just arrived?”
“Yes…but are you really alright?”
“Yes . ”
I had imagined stepping on his foot before he came here . Now I wondered what to do now that he was right in front of me . It was difficult for me to stay in his presence, so I stood up from the bench and smoothed out the rumpled skirt of my dress .
“You must be tired, so go get some rest today . ”
I gave him a perfunctory smile and turned around . However, Sovieshu repeated himself once again .
“Are you really alright?”
The question was the same, but this time the nuances were strange . When I turned around, he was sending me a dark gaze as if he were trying to figure out my thoughts . I looked at him suspiciously . I didn’t think he was asking me this question because he saw my sagging figure on the bench .
“I’m fine . ”
I smiled, pretending not to know . Sovieshu, however, decided to be blunt .
“By any chance, do you dislike me holding a banquet welcoming the baby?”
It was an embarrassingly forward question . He looked at me straight in the eyes .
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If he asked this as soon as he arrived, did he really need to bother asking? In any case, I answered honestly .
“I don’t want to attend, but since I have to host it, I’m sure I’ll dislike it all the more . ”
“The empress is still so cold . No affection at all . ”
“The same is true of you, Your Majesty, who knows that I’d hate to organize the banquet, but still instructed me to do so . ”
Sovieshu sighed and pressed his temples . It was clear what kind of woman he thought I was . I’m sure he thought of me as frigid and cruel .
“…Do you have any idea why I’m holding this banquet?”
“Do I need to know?”
It was easy to guess why . He wanted to show off Rashta . He was happy to have his first child . Or he wanted to hurt my feelings . Or perhaps it was all three .
“You said it before . Rashta’s baby is not officially part of the Imperial family . ”
“…”
“Perhaps one day, they will be forgotten in history, as you said . But at least when we are alive, people will think of the baby as the firstborn of the emperor . ”
“And you asked me to prepare a banquet to admit it?”
“Whether you admit it or not, it is what it is . ”
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I pressed my lips tightly and looked sideways, avoiding his eyes . I was afraid I would lose if I didn’t look away . My neck was stretched and my jaw clenched to keep my face impassive .
“The baby…maybe it can be your baby as well . I hope you won’t hate it even before it’s born . ”
My forehead creased at Sovieshu’s words . Why was he speaking about this? Why would Rashta’s baby be my baby? I looked at him in incredulity . Sovieshu stared back at me with his dark eyes .
“Do you understand what I mean?”
“You’re asking too much of me . ”
As soon as I snapped, Sovieshu sighed and turned away from me with heavy footsteps . After walking a few paces, he carefully opened his mouth to speak .
“We have been married for a long time . ”
Why was he talking about that now? I stared at him guardedly . I didn’t know what he would say, but I had an ominous feeling .
“We don’t have a baby yet . ”
“?”
“Of course we’re both young, and so we may have one someday . But…”
His face grew darker .
“It may not happen . ”
“!”
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“It didn’t happen when you were younger and healthier than you are now . ”
I stared at him in shock . Sovieshu looked more uncomfortable when he spoke, too . The sight made my heart thud stronger in my chest .
“So what you mean is…”
I tried to keep my voice as level I could, but it trembled .
“If we don’t have a baby, Rashta’s baby may be recognized as a part of the Imperial family?”
He frowned .
“I’m talking about the worst case . And if it is, don’t hate a baby who’s not yet born . ”
“The more you say it, the more I dislike it . ”
“It could be a good child . ”
“Considering who it takes after?”
“… . Are you implying that Rashta or I have bad personalities?”
“Whoever it takes after, the baby won’t like me . And I won’t like it . ”
After saying my words, I gave a quick bow and turned my heel and left . Sovieshu called me from behind, but I didn’t look back . Somewhere in my heart, smoke clouded up in me . It burned my nose and made my eyes feel numb . There was a buzzing sensation in my brain .
When I returned to the central palace, I went back to work as mechanically as possible . I needed Queen’s warmth . I needed Queen more than ever .