"I can't...she's my friend, I don't want to give her anything without telling-"
He rolled his eyes, and she cowered under his growing agitation. He looked at her. "Okay, listen. It's called Delastor. It's just gonna stop her from thinking too much. Does your friend worry a lot?"
Yes. That was Lulu. It had only been with Becca's begging that they ended up here at all. And look at them-two football players were talking to them. It was a good thing Becca had done the thinking for Lulu. Maybe this was just one more time she needed that.
"I'll do it."
"Good," said Jake. "Do that, and then find me. We'll have fun."
She nodded and smiled. "Okay."
He walked away, and she grabbed another Smirnoff Ice. Watermelon-that was Lulu's favorite flavor. She had pajamas with watermelons all over them.
With shaking hands, Becca poured in the white powder. It was just going to make her relax. That was all it'd do. What's the worst that could happen? She fell asleep?
To Becca, who was fourteen and had seen little of the world, this seemed completely reasonable.
She handed the drink to Lulu. "Here," she said, giving a small smile to Eric. "Drink this. We should cheers to...our first Homecoming game."
Lulu didn't argue. She didn't have any reason to mistrust Becca. She drank hers and waited for Lulu to finish-Becca got a small flip in her stomach when she imagined telling Jake that not only had she done it, but she'd made sure Lulu drank the whole thing.
When she told him, he smiled and pulled her outside and onto the trampoline. Almost everyone was asleep or hooking up. After some preamble that Becca had now blocked out, she and Jake were making out hard core. She wanted to enjoy it. She did enjoy the fact that it was Jake doing it. But he was rough, and never gentle. His tongue stabbed into her mouth harshly and without consideration of what she was doing. He pulled her hair a little too hard, but she was too afraid to say anything.
It was only with the strength she had in the core of herself that she was able to tell him that she wouldn't have sex with him. He did exactly what she'd feared when he tossed her aside muttering that she wasn't worth all that.
She sat there for a little while, feeling sorry for herself and hoping he'd come apologize. She tried hard not to cry from the embarrassment, and failed. Finally she wiped off her tears, and went inside to find Lulu. She'd pay for a damn cab. All she wanted was to go home and watch something with a happy ending. She remembered that her dad had just bought her Thin Mints.
She pulled open the sliding door. She walked past a couple grinding on the sofa, illuminated by the blue light of the TV screen. She opened a bedroom door and found people smoking weed. She opened another and found a bunch of sleeping bodies-none of them Lulu's. She went upstairs and hesitated. The only room up there had noise coming from it. Banging. She didn't want to open the door. But after looking everywhere else in the house, she knew Lulu was either gone or in that room. She opened the door and saw Lulu's naked, limp body. Her red-haired head was repeatedly hitting the headboard as Eric, the narrow-hipped boy with pimples on his back, thrust against her again and again.
The bag of white powder came into her mind.
"Eric! Eric, stop! What are you doing?"
He ignored her, and kept moving. She watched the scene with horror, even stepping forward and trying to pull on his arm. He shook her off and kept going. She said Lulu's name, but she only responded with the slightest opening of her eyes.
Becca didn't know what to do. Wait? Leave? No, those were wrong and unthinkable. Call the police? No. She was drunk. Everyone was. Everyone would hate her. She couldn't be the girl who got everyone in trouble.
And what about...what about the fact that she'd been the one to give the drug? Whatever it had been-she'd heard of the date rape drug-had that been it? But Jake had said some weird name...she'd never heard it before.
"What are you standing there for, sweetie? You wanna join? I'd rather fuck you than her anyway."
Eric's words stung. Not only was he raping-God, was that what she was watching?-her friend Lulu, but he was insulting her.
Becca shrank onto the floor and covered her eyes. She tried to block out the sounds-the quiet, sinister sounds-and waited for the last pound and the groan from Eric. She heard him get off the squeaking mattress, exhale loudly and pull his pants on. She heard the jingle of his belt buckle, and then he walked past her and shut the door.
Then there was silence in the room.
She carried Lulu out to the curb, which took all of her strength-even with how light Lulu was-where they waited for a very expensive cab. She found the spare key under a flowerpot on Lulu's front step, and took her up to her room. By that point, Lulu was awake enough to walk some. When Becca left Lulu's room, Lulu was whimpering softly. She was in pain.
Becca walked the next mile to her own bed, where she lay awake for the rest of the night.
The truth came out. Eric got in trouble. Everyone but Lulu insisted that they'd seen Becca slip something in her drink. She got away unscathed by the law, but she was a social outcast. And she knew she deserved it.
"Becca?" Dana put a hand on her shoulder.
Becca looked into her narrow, dark eyes, and shuddered. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
She could tell Dana didn't quite want to say it was okay, but wanted to seem undramatic.
"Come on," said Becca, standing up. "Let's go up to our room. I've got a movie with a happy ending we can watch on my computer."
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE.
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT THE SECOND I stepped off the bus at Manderley. Everyone was talking very importantly to each other, and I was getting a lot of looks. More than ever. At the end of a break it makes sense for there to be an excited, catching-up buzz about the school.
This wasn't that.
It got weirder when I walked through the doors and saw a line that ended in Dana, Madison and Julia sitting at a table. Madison had a cash box, Julia was taking money, and Dana was handing out T-shirts. They were pink with black writing and had a picture on them I couldn't make out from where I was standing.
I dropped my phone off at the office and walked over to the line. All of them watched me as I approached.
"I'm not butting or anything," I explained, a bit uselessly, to some of the waiting students as I walked past.
I looked at one of the shirts Dana handed to a girl. The picture was of Becca, I could see now, and I read the words.
FIND BECCA.
Dana had boxes of the shirts behind her. "Do you want one?"
It took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.
"You can even have one for free," she offered, not sounding generous at all.
I shook my head and looked around to see that I was being swallowed by a sea of pink. Everyone around me was either wearing or holding a pink shirt. I walked quickly from the table and toward the stairs. I stopped when I saw Max. He was holding a shirt and looking a little dazed.
"Max."
He tried to smile, but barely pulled it off. His jaw was clenched tightly again. "Come here."
He pulled me in for a hug. I didn't stop him, even in light of how uncertain everything was with him. He put his cheek to my hair and didn't let go for a few seconds.
"What's going on?" I asked. I never wanted to let go of him, but something had clearly happened.
"You didn't hear, then?"
I shook my head. My heart was beating fast. "No, hear what? What's happening?"
He hesitated. "They think...Becca's alive." He looked hopeful and regretful all at once.
"Why? Who thinks so?"
"Her Facebook...she had a status update, and it said she was alive. And...it was right after there was a sighting of someone who looked like her."
"What?" I was breathless suddenly. Everything was going to change. Would they kick me out? Would she come back? "Where? What did it say?"
"They saw her here in town somewhere. The status just confirmed that it was her...I don't know."
Blake and Cam approached us a moment later, neither of them holding pink shirts.
"Can you believe this?" Blake asked, looking only at Max.
"No."
"I don't even know what to think. I guess we'll hear more at the assembly. They're holding it tonight instead of tomorrow." She looked at me. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." My voice was much higher than usual. "What time's the assembly?"
"Eight-thirty. Come in uniform." Cam winked at me, apparently remembering my first assembly.
I smiled weakly. "I should go get situated. That's only an hour from now."
I needed to breathe, and to stop feeling that a seventeen-year-old missing girl being alive and well was a bad thing.
"Okay," Max said, "meet me outside of the auditorium at eight twenty-five."
I hated myself for getting excited by his willingness to meet me in public and that he wasn't ignoring me. Maybe I was being Dumb Girl. But I couldn't care.
Max paused and looked at me, like we'd never see each other again.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm just... Never mind, I'll see you in a few minutes."
As soon as I walked away, I heard Blake start talking quickly and quietly to the other two.
I arrived at my room only to find that the few pictures I'd pinned to my bulletin board last semester had been taken down and put on my bed. So had the thumbtacks. All but the four tacks that held up an eleven-by-seventeen poster pinned in their place. It was a poster printed with the same picture and bold words as were on the T-shirt I still clutched absentmindedly. I threw it on the floor and took down the poster.
I gathered the thumbtacks Dana had intentionally scattered evenly all over my comforter and put them back up with the pictures. Including some of the new ones from the break. My mom had pulled into the driveway just before I left with my dad and Jasper, yelling for us to wait, and then handed me an envelope of pictures she'd just gotten printed for me.
I pinned up some of those, mostly the ones from New Year's Eve-before it had gone sour-and tried to stop my throat from tightening with the desire to jump right back on a plane. I'd made the decision to come back. I had no choice.
I unpacked my bag, my heart still pounding. I felt guilty for every selfish thought that crossed through my mind as I imagined what it would mean for me if Becca came back. It was good that she might not be dead. Good.
I jumped when a little while later there was a knock on the door. I was expecting Becca at every turn now.
"Come in."
Madison and Julia floated in, both wearing expressions of great sympathy.
"This must be hard for you." Madison sat down on Dana's bed, moving the poster carefully out of the way.
"Why do you think that?"
Julia looked to Madison and then to me. "Becca coming back? You like Max...right?"
"No."
"Sweetie, I'm sorry but..." Madison ignored me, and laid a hand on her chest, over her heart. "I'm your friend. We are your friends. But we know Max. We know Becca. And...we just don't want you to have your heart broken by surprise when Max goes back to her."
"And chances are..." Julia trailed off.
"Maybe he won't." I tried to sound more confident than I felt. "And we're not even, like, together, so if he wants to be with someone that's not... I mean he's allowed to do whatever he wants."
She shrugged. "Look, we're just trying to look out for you. If you don't want our help then just say so."
I didn't know what to say. But I figured the only way to get them to stop feeling sorry for me was to agree.
I nodded. "You're probably right. I'll try not to get too close."
"Good. Because he really loves her," Madison said, smiling sadly at me.
Okay, got it.
"You guys going down to the assembly now? It's soon, isn't it? I'm meeting Max-" I paused as Julia raised her eyebrows. "I'm meeting Max out front of the auditorium."
"We'll walk down with you, sure! Don't forget your uniform." Madison couldn't quite pull it off like Cam without sounding a little mean.
I grabbed my Manderley polo and khaki skirt from the closet, and they stepped outside. To talk about me, I was sure, rather than out of some sense of my privacy.
I was out in a few seconds, and we walked down the stairs silently. I felt relieved when I saw Max.
He nodded a hello to the other girls, and then looked to me. I stepped toward him. He shook his head slightly, looking around, and held open the door for us instead of taking it. I was sure Madison and Julia were exchanging yet another look behind my back.
We walked into the dim auditorium. No one was talking, but everyone watched as we found a place to sit. Soon after we did, the house lights dimmed down to nothing, and Professor Crawley took the podium.
"Welcome back, students. I hope everyone had a good Winter Break. Classes will start up tomorrow as usual, at 8:00 a.m. I want to ask you all to remind yourselves of the rules, and to make sure you ready yourself for school and to shake off the holiday mentality." He cleared his throat, and carried on with a reminder of what those rules were. I checked off the ones in my head that I'd broken.
Most of them.
The room was filled with the anticipation of what exactly had happened concerning Becca. But we had to wait a full forty-five minutes before all of the administration had spoken and Crawley had taken the microphone again. The room stiffened and went silent.