The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her attributes.
"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said Bob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in laughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toed ones like yours."
A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train had the presence of mind to remark:
"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I have pinned one to the earth." The lady excused him.
"Sir," said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a face that would stop a street-car in the middle of the block."
"Yes, that's what I said," calmly answered the mere man.
"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a stop like that."
FOOD
DINER--"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half shell?"
WAITER--"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short on shells; but you're next, sah."
During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a recruit ventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain.
After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook:
"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get so much of the dust in your soup."
The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here, me lad. Your business is to serve your country."
"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it."
It was a small cafe and the customer overheard this from the waiter:
"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta customer for a club sandwich."
WAITER--"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?"
OFFICER--"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult to mobilize."
The second course of the table d'hote was being served.
"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner.
"That, sir, is filet of sole," replied the waiter.
"Take it away," said the diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice, tender piece from the upper part of the boot."
The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup and set it down.
"Well," queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you anything to say against the coffee?"
"Not a word," he answered. "I never speak ill of the absent."
An attendant entered carrying a thin red object.
"Did any patient order a postage stamp?"
"Maybe," said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare."
"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinner table.
"No," said his father; "what makes you ask a question like that while we are eating?"
"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now," replied Tommy.
FOOD CONSERVATION
"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this year?"
"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all told--three couples in love an' a dyspeptic."--_Life_.
The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner they'd like to have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was astute. "What's the difference," she asked the solemn man at the end of the table, "between a turkey dinner and a mess of stewed prunes?"
"I don't know," he answered, suspicious of some entangling conundrum.
"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table.
They all professed ignorance. "In that case," she said, "I may as well serve prunes at Christmas and save money."