COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you ought to be proud of it."
SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah was jest fired."
DISCIPLINE
The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak sharply to one of the pupils.
"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you must remain with me an hour after school."
Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."
In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice.
No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every child is considered too sacred for repression.
One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with blood.
"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.
The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms.
Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth.
When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.
"She didn't do anything," said Grace.
"Well, what did she say?"
"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that was very anti-social?'"
HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you."
WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will.--You were just as troublesome yourself at first."
_See also_ Children; Parents.
DISCOUNTS
SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five cents on a tollar--cash."
COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular cash discount?"--_Puck_.
DISCRETION
WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?"
FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son."
Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the duties of life.--_Addison_.
DISPOSITION
"Allow me to congratulate you."
"What for?"
"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that you are up and about. Isn't that something?"
"No!"
"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."
"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the Grouch on the street.
"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.
"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat fellows are always good natured?"
"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or run."
"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"
"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have if she were having it."