"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste like this. It's something you put in."
COOKS
_See_ Servants
COOPERATION
It is not the guns or armament Or the money they can pay; It's the close cooperation That makes them win the day; It's not the individual Or the army as a whole But the everlasting team work Of every blooming soul.
--_Kipling_.
CORPULENCE
A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could get neither out nor in.
"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.
"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."
"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.
"Why?" she inquired.
"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll 'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.
CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS
_The Stamp of Learning_
"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"
"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I suppose."
COSMOPOLITANISM
JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"
CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'
in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be a cosmopolitan."
COST OF LIVING
"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"
"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with it had he spent it then!"
"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."
"Why so?"
"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money."
"How's business?"
"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goods at reasonable prices."
"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"
"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep, put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd got through counting the money I got for them at present prices it was time to get up."
"Father, I need a new riding habit."
"Can't afford it," he growled.
"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"
"Get the walking habit."
In these days of the high cost of living the following story has a decided point: