THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of Providence."
A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all intoxicants.
"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was at the bottom of the ocean," he said.
Hastily Pat arose to his feet.
"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was at the bottom of the sea."
As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat.
"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave thing for you to rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?"
"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver."
Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet was discussing a drink cure of little efficacy.
"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old man with a red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said:
"I'd like to take the pledge if you please."
"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to take it for?"
"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for life."
TEMPTATION
Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be led into.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gone in search of the Fourteen Points?
THEATER
Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:
Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs were being served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interest in the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered the youngster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign of annoyance.
"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, quietly. "It is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights."
A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man behind him could not see at all.
"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively, touching the big man on the shoulder.
"Can't see anything, hey?"
"No, sir, I can't see a thing."
"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when I do."
A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening at the theater.
"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."
The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked.
"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her.
The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!"
A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because, though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no door into my theater through which God can not see."
AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of your famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors."
NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville and movies."--_Life_.
THERMOMETER
Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.
"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.
"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and outside," the son answered.
"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin'
up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another thermometer."