"My wife watches the sugar market closely."
"Speculating?"
"In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it's low."
The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quiet wedding, had a quiet wedding breakfast _a deux_. Astrakhan caviar, eggs pompadour, a truffled chicken, fresh California peas, champagne--so the quiet breakfast ran.
"My dear," said the old millionaire, as the fruit course, a superb Florida melon, came on, "tell me, dear"--and he laid his withered hand on her young one--"do you love me for what I am or for what I was?"
The beautiful girl smiled down from the window into the admiring eyes of a young clubman who was passing; then she bent her clear, considering gaze on the gray ruin opposite and replied:
"I love you, George, for what you will be."
HARPER--"Foozle has a great scheme and he invited me 'to get in on the ground floor.'"
CARPER--"Don't forget that that is where the trap-doors are."
HEWITT--"Don't you think I stand a good chance of making a fortune out of that mine?"
JEWITT--"Out of it, yes. In it, no."
SPEED
Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a horse out of his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drive fast.
One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral.
"Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn purpose for which his customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drive fast!"
"Look here, old man," was the reply, "I would like you to understand that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!"
INQUIRER (at South Station)--"Where does this train go?"
BRAKEMAN--"This train goes to New York in ten minutes."
INQUIRER--"Goodness! That's going some!"
With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling salesman inquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go faster than this?"
"Yes," the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my car."
"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I did a mile in four laps."
"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in one lap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp in my knees."--_Puck_.
A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying to the details of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the prisoner at the bar drew a revolver and began firing at one George Henry, and how Henry ran to save himself.
"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the defense.
"Dat's whut I said."
"You are sure he ran?"
"Sho" is!"
"Well, did he run fast?"
"Did he run fa--Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had one feather in his hand he'd o' flew."
SPELLING
If an S and an I, and an O and a U, With an X at the end spell "su,"
And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do?
Then if an S and an I and a G And an H E D spell "side,"
There's nothing much for a speller to do But go commit siouxeyesighed.
A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his city when, with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small eating-place, on the window of which was painted in white, "Lam Stew."
Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, and when he saw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in front of his place he asked to be favored with an explanation of the joke.
Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in "lamb," and the proprietor accepted the correction in good part, at the same time expressing his thanks.
When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found that the menu had been changed, but that the lesson in orthography had not been forgotten. The proprietor was now offering "Clamb Chowder."
--_Harper's_.
"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right for a little thing like a kitten to have six letters and a big cat to only have three."
"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair young applicant for the stenographer's job.
"I learned," she replied, "that spelling is essential to a stenographer."