Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear but clothes, To keep one from going nude.
Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 'tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on.
Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Nothing to weep but tears, Nothing to bury but dead.
Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back.
Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to have but what we've got Thus through life we are cursed.
Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes.
--_Ben King_.
It was a mile over Mount Clemens.
The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a visiting officer his first air voyage.
He cut off the motor.
"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of them think we are going to fall."
"They've got nothing on us," was the reply that streamed for a half a mile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do."
THE PESSIMIST--"The best luck any man can have is never to have been born; but that seldom happens to any one."
Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict bad weather."
"Why's that?"
"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong."
Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.
"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.
"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."
"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."
_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism.
PHILADELPHIA
The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the most important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunity for manufacturers of alarm clocks.
PHILANTHROPISTS
WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bring the car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--the last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in the streets could see."--_Punch_.
PHILOSOPHY
Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any more than a mule can."
All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain."
--_Epictetus_.
The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.--_Henry Ward Beecher_.
Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition.
--_Bulwer-Lytton_.
PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS
_See_ Doctors.
PITTSBURG
PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents?
Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel."