William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good, old-fashioned Christian names, but all those names were shortened into meaningless or feeble monosyllables by our friends. I shall name my children so that it will be impracticable to curtail their names."
The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with five children, all boys. The eldest was named after the father--William.
Of course, that would be shortened to "Will" or enfeebled to "Willie"--but wait! A second son came and was christened Willard.
"Aha!" chuckled Mr. Williams. "Now everybody will have to speak the full names of each of these boys in order to distinguish them."
In pursuance of this scheme the next three sons were named Wilbert, Wilfred, and Wilmont.
They are all big boys now. And they are respectively known to their intimates as Bill, Skinny, Butch, Chuck, and Kid.
Aunt Liza's former mistress was talking to her one morning, when suddenly she discovered a little pickaninny standing shyly behind his mother's skirts. "Is this your little boy, Aunt Liza?" she asked.
"Yes, miss; dat's Prescription."
"Goodness, what a funny name, auntie, for a child! How in the world did you happen to call him that?"
"Ah simply calls him dat becuz Ah has sech hahd wuk gettin' him filled."
BREATHLESS VISITOR--"Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones--"
DOCTOR--"No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that."
A chauffeur had applied for a position with a new-rich family which aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and was being interviewed by the mistress of the house.
"We call all our servants by their last names," she announced. "What is your last name?"
"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am," replied the applicant.
"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last name.
Otherwise you won't do at all."
"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would like to use it."
"What is your last name then?" said his prospective employer, somewhat coldly and as though she expected a revelation of international scandal.
"Darling, ma'am--Thomas Darling."
A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her name to the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson." Later the teacher asked the child's mother if that was right.
"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name," said the fond parent. "You see, she was named fer me and her father. Her father's name am Ferdinand and my name is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer."
LITTLE JOHNNY--"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom we call Postscript."
DAD--"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript for?"
LITTLE JOHNNY--"Cos her name is Adeline Moore."
GRIGGS--"When I don't catch the name of the person I've been introduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i.' It generally works, too."
BRIGGS--"I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to a young lady at a party. When I put the question about the 'e' or 'i,'
she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to me the whole evening."
"What was her name?"
"I found out later it was--Hill."
FIRST LITTLE GIRL--"What's your last name, Annie?"
SECOND LITTLE GIRL--"Don't know yet; I ain't married."
"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: "O double T, I, double U, E, double L, double--"
"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk.
The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double U, double O--"
"Your honor," roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be committed for contempt of court!"
"What is your name?" asked the judge.
"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double U, double O, D."--_Literary Digest_.
"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding officer. "I am informed that his house is afire."
Forty men sprang to their feet.
"It is the house of Mr. John Smith," added the chairman.
"Thank goodness!" fervently exclaimed one man, resuming his seat.--_Everybody's_.
NATIONALITY
"But are you an American citizen?" angrily demanded the official at the passport office.
"My mother was American"--began the applicant.