Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend who used his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordance with his station in life.
"I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should allow yourself to become shabby."
"But I'm not shabby," firmly interposed the millionaire miser.
"Oh, but you are," returned his old friend. "Remember your father. He was always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His clothes were always finely tailored and of the best material."
"Why," shouted the miser, triumphantly, "these clothes I've got on were father's!"
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
"No man is as well known as he thinks he is," said Caruso. "I was motoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down, and I entered a farmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked my name I told him modestly that it was Caruso. At that name he threw up his hands.
"'Caruso!' he exclaimed. 'Robinson Caruso, the great traveler! Little did I expect ever to see a man like yer in this here humble kitchen, sir!'"
CUSTOMER (trying on dress suit, jokingly)--"I hope I'll never be mistaken for a waiter."
TAILOR--"When in doubt, keep your hands in your pockets!"--_Judge_.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Hebrew were telling of their strange experiences and how they were mistaken for great men.
"Would you baylave it," the Irishman said, "I was mistaken for ex-President Roosevelt."
The Englishman turned to his fellow countryman, "That's nothing," he said, "I was once mistaken for President Wilson."
"Huh?" the Hebrew said. "I vas standing on the street corner the other day and a cop came along and said to me, 'Holy Moses, are you here again?'"
MISTAKES
When a plumber makes a mistake, he charges time for it.
When a lawyer makes a mistake, it's just what he wanted.
When a carpenter makes a mistake, it's just what he expected, because the chances are ten to one he never learned his business.
When an electrician makes a mistake, he blames it on induction, because nobody knows what that is.
When a doctor makes a mistake, he buries it.
When a judge makes a mistake, it becomes the law of the land.
When a preacher makes a mistake, nobody knows the difference.
But a _salesman_--he is different; he has to be careful; he cannot turn his mistakes into profit or blame them on a profession.
You've got to go some to be a real _salesman_.
MONEY
If you save all you earn, you're a miser.
If you spend all you earn, you're a fool.
If you lose it, you're out.
If you find it, you're in.
If you owe it, they're always after you.
If you lend it, you're always after them.
It's the cause of evil.
It's the cause of good.
It's the cause of happiness.
It's the cause of sorrow.
If the government makes it, it's all right.
If you make it, it's all wrong.
As a rule it's hard to get.
But it's pretty soft when you get it.
It talks!
To some it says, "I've come to stay."
To others it whispers, "Good-bye."
Some people get it at a bank.
Others go to jail for it.
The Mint makes it first.
It's up to you to make it last.
--_Ben S. Kearns_.
GIBES--"A man's best friend, they say, is a full pocketbook."
DIBBS--"An empty one is his most constant friend, because while others may grow cold, he will find no change in his purse."
"I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn't thank me."
"No. You can't get anything for a penny now."
TODAY--"What do we care for prices? We've got the money!"