"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son."
"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before you get any gas."
After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt like lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose, looked sweetly at the judge, and said:
"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just finished, and submit the case without argument."--_Life_.
A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom were well-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of his lawyer to draw up his will. When, after much labor, the document was completed, the client asked:
"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and strong?"
"I have done my best," said the lawyer.
"Well," continued the client, "I want to ask you another thing--not professionally, however. As a friend, and man to man, who do you think stands the best chance of getting the property when I am gone?"
The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been allowed fifteen minutes each to argue the case. The attorney for the defense had commenced his argument with an allusion to the old swimming-hole of his boyhood days. He told in flowery oratory of the balmy air, the singing birds, the joy of youth, the delights of the cool water--
And in the midst of it he was interrupted by the drawling voice of the judge:
"Come out, Chauncey," he said, "and put on your clothes. Your fifteen minutes are up."
It is related that when Judge Benjamin Toppan of Ohio, who died in the early '70s, applied for admission to the bar of that state he was asked just two questions. "Mr. Toppan, what is law?" was the first of these.
"An unjust distribution of justice," replied the applicant.
"What is equity?" was the second.
"A damned imposition upon common sense!"
He was received into the brotherhood with open arms.
MAGNATE--"I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a year to keep me out of jail."
"Oh, John! Please stop spending your money so foolishly."--_Life_.
When General Beck was a young lawyer a man was arraigned for murder and had no counsel.
"Mr. Beck," said the presiding judge, "take the prisoner into that room at the rear of the court, hear his story, and give him the best advice you can."
Accordingly Beck disappeared with the prisoner, and in half an hour's time returned into court--alone.
"Where is the prisoner?" asked the judge.
"Well," replied Beck, slowly, "I heard his story, and then I gave him the best advice I could. I said: 'Prisoner, if I were you I'd get out of that window and make tracks.' He slid down the water-pipe, and the last I saw of him he was getting over a stone wall half a mile away."
"Smith certainly is a foxy fellow. He's drawn up his will in such a way that the lawyers can't get more out of it than his own heirs."
"How's that?"
"Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in the country, provided he saw to it that the other half went to Smith's children intact."
"I couldn't serve as a juror, judge. One look at that fellow convinces me he's guilty."
"Sh-h! That's the district attorney."
LITTLE WILLIE--"What is a lawyer, pa?"
PA--"A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes."
The following is told of a late railway magnate and a prominent Philadelphia lawyer.
Said the magnate to the lawyer--"I want you to show that this law is unconstitutional. Do you think that you can manage it?"
"Easily," answered the lawyer.
"Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case."
"I'm already at home in it. I know my ground perfectly. It's the same law you had me prove was constitutional two years ago."
"Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?"
"Why, certainly," replied the eminent alienist. "And what is more, if you are ever in trouble and need my services I'll do the same thing for you."
The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of the doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?"
"The side that pays you the retainer."
An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shilling subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral. Most of the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hope that he would also subscribe his shilling.
"Only a shilling!" said Toler; "only a shilling to bury an attorney!
Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them."