The great author was conservative. He had had experience.
"I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you sure? How do you know that it is any good?"
"Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, my dear sir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every member of our motion-picture department."
THE PUBLISHER--"How are you going to introduce accurate local color in your new story of life in Thibet? You've never been there."
THE EMINENT AUTHOR--"Neither has any of my public."--_Judge_.
"So you got your poem printed?"
"Yes," replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the editor of the Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can anyone give me the rest of this poem?' Then I sent in the complete poem over another name!"
"Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?"
"I do, sir," was the reply.
"An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?"
"Why, there's no comparison between them."
"Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote 'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.' Now, Rabbie would never hae sic nonsense as that."
"Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other.
"Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king or queen either disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. He'd hae kent they hang it over the back o' a chair."
HOSTESS--"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anything vainer than you authors about the things you write."
HIGHBROW--"There is, madam; our efforts to sell them."
"No," said the honest man, "I was never strong at literature. To save my life I could not tell you who wrote 'Gray's Elegy.'"
HENLEY--"How are you getting on with your writing for the magazines?"
PENLEY--"Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I send them."
Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't:
Let their characters converse for hours without any identification tags, so that you have to turn back three pages and number off odd speeches in order to find out who's talking.
Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and the seasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping," "virile," "intrigue,"
"gesture," etc.
Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did he think how dearly this trifling error was to cost him," or "She was to meet this man again, under strange circumstances."
Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just where the plot ought to rush ahead.
EDITOR--"Historically, this story is incorrect."
AUTHOR--"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have ever done."
A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal, Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew where Huckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen." Then he said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met the gemmen." "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah, I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice."
AUTHORSHIP
TED--"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I was disappointed."
NED--"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written than the book."
AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS
"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said the missus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?"
"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a newspaper recently:
"Here lies the body of William Jay, Who died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."
A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.
"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had made the arrest.
"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemed suspicious?"
"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of the street, so I arrested him."
"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"
"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picture post-card of a hospital."