_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."
"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.
"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
"Me trousers are."
"Trousers are what?"
"Frayed on account of the dog."
A QUESTION OF LOCALITY
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"
"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
HER SOFT ANSWER
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed:
"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?"
"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
HE WAS WRONG
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?"
_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
OPENING FATHER'S EYES
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"
"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."
NICE
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.
"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"
"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"
NOT NEEDED
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
SHE COULD USE HIM
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour."
"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labour stand."
DECLINED WITH THANKS
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.
After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."
MANAGING THE MANAGERS
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--