_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
"All right."
"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it--you will get $500."
_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live stock?
_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.
Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.
"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"
_Miss F.:_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"
_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"
GUILTY
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."
_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."
"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"
_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.
"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."
TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"
"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
BAD BOTH WAYS
_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
"And did you post it?"