"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"
SUPERMAN
It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:
"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."
Mrs. Gladstone beamed.
"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us all about it."
SUPERSTITION
The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.
"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight."
SUSPENSE
The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:
"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose."
She wore a yellow rose.
SUSPICION
The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.
"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy."
"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."
SYMPATHY
A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.
The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained:
"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' grass."
"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard--the grass there is longer."
TACT
The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.
"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."
His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.
"What do you mean?" she demanded.
The senator explained suavely:
"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."
TALKING MACHINE
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:
"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."
TAR AND FEATHERS
The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.
"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."
TASTE
A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:
"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"
"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went down, and once when it came up."
It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.
The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.
"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"
TEARS