"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."
MONOTONY
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
"Why, dear, do you want one?"
The child nodded seriously.
"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."
MORALITY
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower."
MOSQUITOES
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved.
"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."
"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."
A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before prohibition.
"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner nobody!"
MOTTO
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
"_Ici on parle francais_."
"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked.
To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.
One of the men addressed the barkeeper:
"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."
The barkeeper scowled.
"Come agin!" he demanded.
It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the establishment.
The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."
The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.
"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"
MUSIC
Artemas Ward said:
"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.
"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."
The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly:
"Oh, don't it sound grand!"
The young man nodded, and answered:
"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."
The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly:
"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"
The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked:
"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"