"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a lie."
HEAVEN
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough.
A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:
"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"
"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in heaven!"
HELP
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired:
"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore thumb."
A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
Finally, the man shouted between gasps:
"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery old hog!"
HELPFULNESS
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story.
A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows:
"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to interview that official.
After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the office of the registrar.
"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed, and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
HEN
The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop said:
"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
"But I don't see any hen."
The clerk explained patiently.
"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."
HEREAFTER
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:
"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."
"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."
Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.
"And candy, too, mamma?"
The mother shook her head.
"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."
HEREDITY
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:
"He looks just like his muvver."
HIGH PRICES
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: