One morning my mother had a prolonged cold, when I noticed, she had passed away. I was told it was a heart attack by the doctor who came for an autopsy.
Thinking back about our life together and our life separated, the consequences of dieting put a burden on her body, I think.
I had been told my mother’s hair colour became pale because of her age, but maybe it’s not, I don’t know.
So, I eat properly.
After high society debut, my study time to acquire knowledge of「Education as a Noble」had decreased. The education I received from Dorcie-sensei seemed to be about information on debut. My elder sisters had to continue studying on manners and elegant behaviour though.
During that time, as soon as my irregular stay of twice in three weeks in mansion had gone, sometimes for the sake of work requests from my father I stayed for one day or two days. Even if I say work, it’s only to copy documents and do calculation no matter how I see it. Mainly, I was coming and going from gardener’s work shed to wash and clean.
My study time had reduced and I immediately had the feeling of being free. I was thinking of doing my best in my side job.
Such was the brunt of my mother’s death. The instant my mother passed away, sadness of great loss constantly followed me around.
In spite of the lacking emotion, if I became aware of it accidentally, tears would spill down on its own.
Only father and I attended her funeral service. My mother was buried in the public cemetery on outskirts of town.
My mother didn’t have relatives. I guess I wouldn’t want to live a life like a mistress sheltered in my father’s mansion. I’d heard of a daughter of a bankrupt merchant. Because of that she treasured the importance of having knowledge, the blessing of having a trade that kind of feeling.
Looking at my father’s silent tears, I understood that my father liked my mother. Although I wouldn’t understand that feelings of love.
「Do you want to live in the mansion?」
「Thanks for your kind words, I want to live in the current arrangement」
Accompanied with overly polite words, this kind of gratitude towards my parents, I laughed at myself.
It might be very difficult to live on my own, but I’ve decided it’s better to live lesser in an uncomfortable place. I tried to appeal to him, I want to live in a gardener’s shed filled with my mother memories.
My father made a slightly sad face, my wish didn’t come true. There’s no way to let the youngest daughter of a noble to live on her own right.
After tidying up the gardener’s shed, I moved to the mansion room.
…After funeral service, when there’s nobody around I started crying to my heart content.
Geran elder brother was primarily helping father to manage his territory. After several years, once he gets married, it seems he will become a real feudal lord. Unfortunately, is it because his ideal too high, he had yet to find a fiancée…This is a taboo word.
It was Geran elder brother who escorted me to high society debut. He looked at me coldly like Flore-sama, I can’t get accustomed to it. First time on the official dancing place, instead of joy, I kept thinking of what would happen if I stepped on Geran elder brother’s foot. Afterwards, I never once participated in the official place.
High society debut is one of matters that must be done by those belonging to aristocrat family register.
Even though my name is present in family register, if I didn’t participate until 16 years old, my existence will be eliminated, that family will be investigated under royal family name. Although at that point of time it’s considered as unacceptable, but if killing and ill-treating were actually being discovered, right after that the family will be punished.
Nobles are required to follow royal family, they will be protected accordingly.
Well, although my treatment was not good, there’s no risk of life, because I was given opportunity to study various things, instead maybe I was blessed.
I rarely met Flore-sama outside dinner time. I didn’t meet Flore-sama if she joined dinner party.
Because she didn’t want to see me, I was being kept the distance.
When I was present in the mansion, if there’s someone from the family, in the dining room I was able to eat together with that person. When there’s no one present, I received shared food from the servants and ate in my own room. I have to eat properly. That’s the ironclad regulation.
The me who had started to live in the mansion, if I had a request, more or less I could ask the servants. But I wouldn’t ask for too much though. Basically my own stuff I will do on my own. It’s according to my mother’s teachings. Because of that I would wash bed sheet and underwear, clean room on my own.
Elder sisters would soon to be at marriageable age, they were busy with participating in tea ceremony and dinner party.
Preparing the fashionable dress, wearing the trendy accessories, devoting in polishing themselves.
Amongst the dresses that were no longer trendy, the not very good one would be passed down to me. No matter how long it passed, the harassment won’t end. To me who didn’t show up at social meetings, it’s fine as long as I could wear the dress. Because in the mansion it’s necessary to wear dress to meet members of family.
During the cleaning or washing time, it’s enough to wear lady attendant’s cloth which has sleeve and hem that are not spreading out.
Flore-sama and elder sisters had been spreading rumour of me「A stubborn daughter who doesn’t go out and no interest in social life」, as far as I was concerned it’s dream came true.
Although I didn’t go to social meetings, that time and that time, how should I show myself in a good way, how should I conduct myself in a satisfactory way, I practiced it thoroughly to become good at it. In front of my family, I was moderately depressed, I didn’t disobey just follow. No matter what I think in my mind.
Although I was only a daughter with half of nobility, I wasn’t allowed to go out alone to town. There’s no such thing as a carriage for the sake of me alone.
Still when I was young, I went to town with my mother many times. Secretly I climbed the deteriorated outer wall, I sneaked out of mansion. Ordinary daughter of aristocrat would probably never do this. I walk on the road according to my memories. I tampered a little bit with the shape of lady attendant’s cloth, by adding embroidery, it would become a cloth suitable for wear in the town. If I tied my hair back, I become a town girl.
In this way I show up with familiar face in the clothing store, I said I can’t work on the side job anymore. Instead I show embroidered handkerchief and sell it to earn pocket money.
I regained my peace of mind by walking around the town. I recovered my expression by having conversation as a town girl.
As expected I think commoner is better suited for me.