“You want to go into Monsterland instead of us?” I felt like I should check he meant what I thought he meant.
“Yah, man,” said Gideon. “It sounds like the sort of thing we’ve been looking for. Most of the monsters here are too easy. We could use a challenge. Just give us any info or equipment Gullen gave you and we’ll take care of it.”
On the one hand, I felt a sense of relief—they didn’t want to fight us. On the other hand, they thought we were being sent on some cool quest to save the world, and decided they would just take over.
It irked me.
“Gullen didn’t give us anything,” I said.
Gideon turned to look at Stella. She was standing with her hands clasped, fingers interlocked, and sweating slightly which made her mascara run. I didn’t know if her ability was exactly the same as God’s, but it seemed to take more effort for her than it did for him.
“He’s telling the truth.”
“Are you sure?” said Gideon.
“No, I’m not sure,” said Stella, sounding peeved. “And my head’s starting to hurt, so if you want to ask him anything else you better hurry up.”
As annoying as my group could be, at least I didn’t have to deal with bickering hipsters.
Gideon took a deep breath, slicked back his quiffy hair, and returned his attention to me. “So you’re saying Gullen wants you to defeat the Archfiend without giving you any kind of magic item or even a piece of advice? How does he expect you to do that?”
It was a fair question. I would have liked an answer to it myself. I shrugged. “Any way we can.”
“Truth,” said Stella.
“And you’re not hiding anything from us?”
I was expecting this kind of question. “I’m hiding a lot of things from you.” I turned to Stella and smiled.
She scowled back at me. “Truth.”
“You know you don’t have to ask my permission, right? There’s the bridge, all you have to do is cross .” I pointed at the bridge just in case they hadn’t noticed it. “You look like you’re ready for a fight. Plenty of monsters for everyone.”
“We’ve got a bunch of cool gear we’ve been itching to try out,” said Zane excitedly. He had a bow with all sorts of extra bits attached to it and a quiver of arrows with different coloured feathers. They were very pretty.
“Dude,” said Marc, “we’re gonna tear it up.” He also had a tricked out bow, and a trident with multi-coloured prongs.
“Getting past the giant is the problem,” said Gideon. He had two swords. One blade was orange, the other was green.
“Have you tried hitting it?” I asked. “I mean, you know, with all those fancy weapons.”
“We’ve done some testing,” said Zane.
“What does that mean?”
“We used a range of different metals but it doesn’t seem to be reactive to any of the ones we tried. You wouldn’t have any rare alloys on you would you?”
“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” I looked over at Stella. “Feel free to confirm.”
Zane grabbed a handful of arrows out of the quiver on his back and pointed the tips at us, each of which had a different type of metal arrowhead. From the corner of my eye I saw the trolls flinch and take a step back.
“What we found,” said Zane enthusiastically, “is that monsters have a weakness to certain metals.”
“Like werewolves and silver,” said Maurice.
“Right,” said Zane. “Only we’ve never encountered a werewolf, so I don’t know if that particular myth holds true here. Anyway, it’s mainly trial and error. Goblins can’t handle copper. Lizardmen get totally fucked by bronze. Some of these have been known for a while, but others were only recently discovered. By us.” He grinned, clearly very pleased with himself.
This was certainly interesting information. The sort of thing it would have been useful to know back in Probet.
“Once you’ve got a bead on a particular monster’s vulnerability,” continued Zane, “game over.”
It took me a second to realise he meant it literally. Gargantua grabbed his hose of a cock and aimed it at us.
“Everyone hold on tight,” I shouted. “Lady, we going for a ride.”
Having recently heard Maurice’s highly accurate telling of both Indiana Jones movies (there were only two, although I didn’t mind the third one too much; the fourth one was indisputably dogshit) we all knew what to do.
Everyone grabbed onto whatever part of the bridge they could and wrapped their arms and legs around the ropes.
A short stream of urine slammed into the bridge and splashed over us, and then stopped. We gasped and retched and looked around, each of us comforted by the fact we weren’t the only ones drenched in piss. And then it came full force. A deluge. A tsunami. It gushed in a thunderous rush like Niagara Falls, only more yellow.
The power of it was immense. I could feel my grip slipping as I held on for dear life. It was like being punched everywhere on your body at once. It didn’t taste good either.
Not that I had my mouth open, but still it somehow found a way in.
It lasted for at least a couple of minutes; it’s hard to know exactly how long because time passes differently when you’re being pissed on from a great height.
Eventually it stopped, I opened my eyes. Everyone was still on the bridge, although no one looked happy about it.
The giant stood holding his dripping penis with one hand, and drinking from a large sack with the other. He was preparing for round two.
“You have to show him you aren’t human,” I shouted at Keezy.
Keezy looked back towards Gideon like he was afraid they might have heard me. “No.”
It was alright for the trolls, the fall wouldn’t kill them.
Flossie, who still had her eyes closed, opened them and looked around. “Ah don’t feel too good?” She let go of the rope, took a step forward, slipped and landed on her backside with a thump. She put a hand out to steady herself, but there was nothing there and she tipped over sideways and fell off the bridge.
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