"Only if they can't fix it," Nicholas says, "but they can. They always can."
Paige looks up to him, trusting him. "Always?" she repeats.
Nicholas knows better than to give false hope, but he puts on his strongest smile. "Always," he says.
He sits across from her in the pediatric waiting room, watching healthy doddering toddlers fight each other for toys and crawl all over a big blue plastic ladder and slide. Paige goes up to ask about Max, but none of the nurses have been given any information; two don't even know his name. When Jack Rourke comes in hours later, Nich olas jumps to his feet and has to restrain himself from throwing his colleague against the wall. "Where is my son?" he says, biting off each word.
Jack looks from Nicholas to Paige and back to Nicholas. "We're prepping him," he says. "Emergency surgery."
Nicholas has never sat in Mass General's surgical waiting room. It is dingy and gray, with red cubes of seats that are stained with coffee and tears. Nicholas would rather be anywhere else.
Paige is chewing the Styrofoam edge of a coffee cup. Nicholas has not seen her take a sip yet, and she's been holding it for a half hour. She stares straight ahead at the doors that lead to the operating suites, as if she expects an answer, a magical ticker-tape billboard.
Nicholas had wanted to be in the operating room, but it was against medical ethics. He was too close to the situation, and honestly he didn't know how he would react. He would renounce his salary and his title, just to get back the detachment about surgery that he had only yesterday. What had Paige said after the bypass? He was incredible. incredible. Good at Good at fixing. fixing. And yet he couldn't do a damn thing to help Max. And yet he couldn't do a damn thing to help Max.
When Nicholas was standing over a bypass patient whom he hardly knew, it was very easy to put life and death into black-and-white terms. When a patient died on the table, he was upset but he did not take it personally. He couldn't. Doctors learn early that death is only a part of life. But parents shouldn't have to.
What are the chances of a six-month-old making it through intestinal surgery? Nicholas racks his brain, but he can't come up with the statistics. He does not even know the doctor operating in there. He's never heard of the damn guy. It strikes Nicholas that he and every other surgeon live a lie: The surgeon is not God, he is not omnipotent. He cannot create life at all; he can only keep it going. And even that is touch and go.
Nicholas stares at Paige. She has done what I can never do, She has done what I can never do, Nicholas thinks. Nicholas thinks. She has given birth. She has given birth.
Paige has put down the Styrofoam cup and suddenly stands. "I'm going to get some more coffee," she announces. "Do you need anything?"
Nicholas stares at her. "You haven't touched the coffee you just bought."
Paige crosses her arms and rakes her fingernails into her skin, leaving raw red lines that she doesn't notice at all. "It's cold," she says, "way too cold."
A collection of nurses walks by. They are dressed in simple white uniforms but wear felt ears in their hair, and their faces are made up with whiskers and fur. They stop to talk to the devil. He is some kind of physician, a red cape whirling over his blue scrubs. He has a forked tail and a shiny goatee and a hot chili pepper clipped to his stethoscope. Paige looks at Nicholas, and for a second Nicholas's mind goes blank. Then he remembers that it is Halloween. "Some of the people dress up," he explains. "It cheers up the kids in pediatrics." Like Max, Like Max, he thinks, but he does not say it. he thinks, but he does not say it.
Paige tries to smile, but only half her mouth turns up. "Well," she says. "Coffee." But she doesn't move. Then, like the demolition of a building, she begins to crumble from the top down. Her head sinks and then her shoulders droop and her face sags into her hands. By the time her knees give way beneath her, Nicholas is standing, ready to catch her before she falls. He settles her into one of the stiff canvas seats. "This is all my fault," she says.
"This isn't your fault," Nicholas says. "This could have happened to any kid."
Paige doesn't seem to have heard him. "It was the best way to get even," she whispers, "but He should have hurt me instead."
"Who?" Nicholas says, irritated. Maybe there is someone responsible. Maybe there is someone he can blame. "Who are you talking about?"
Paige looks at him as if he is crazy. "God," she says.
When he had changed Max's diaper and seen the blood, he didn't even stop to think. He bundled Max in a blanket and ran out the door without a diaper bag, without his wallet. But he hadn't driven straight to the hospital; he'd gone to his parents. Instinctively, he had come for Paige. When it came right down to it, it didn't matter why Paige had left him, it didn't matter why she had returned. It didn't matter that for eight years she'd kept a secret from him he felt he had every right to know. What mattered was that she was Max's mother. That was their truth, and that was their starting point to reconnect. At the very least, they had that connection. They would always always have that connection. have that connection.
If Max was all right.
Nicholas looks at Paige, crying softly into her hands, and knows that there are many things that depend on the success of this operation. "Hey," he says. "Hey, Paige. Honey. Let me get you that coffee."
He walks down the hall, passing goblins and hoboes and Raggedy Anns, and he whistles to keep out the roaring sound of the silence.
They should have come out to report on the progress. It has been so long that the sun has gone down. Nicholas doesn't notice until he goes outside to stretch his legs. On the street he hears the catcalls of trick-or-treaters and steps on crushed jewel-colored candy. This hospital is like an artificial world. Walk inside and lose all track of time, all sense of reality.
Paige appears at the door. She waves her hands frantically, as if she is drowning. "Come inside," she mouths against the glass.
She grabs at Nicholas's arm when he gets through the doorway. "Dr. Cahill said it went okay," she says, searching his face for answers. "That's good, isn't it? He wouldn't hold anything back from me?"
Nicholas narrows his eyes, wondering where the hell Cahill could have gone so fast. Then he sees him writing notes at the nurses' station around the corner. He runs down the hall and spins the surgeon around by the shoulder. Nicholas does not say a word.
"I think Max is going to be fine," Cahill says. "We tried to manually manipulate the intestines, but we wound up having to do an actual resection of the bowel. The next twenty-four hours will be critical, as expected for such a young child. But I'd say the prognosis is excellent."
Nicholas nods. "He's in recovery?"
"For a while. I'll check him in ICU, and if all is well we'll move him up to pediatrics." Cahill shrugs, as if this case is just like any other. "You might want to get some sleep, Dr. Prescott. The baby is sedated; he's going to sleep for a while. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
Nicholas runs a hand through his hair and rubs his palm over his unshaven jaw. He wonders who bothered to call off his surgery this morning; he forgot it entirely. He is so tired that time is passing in strange chunks. Cahill disappears, and suddenly Paige is standing beside him. "Can we go?" she asks. "I want to see him."
That is what shocks Nicholas into clarity. "You don't want to go," he says. He has seen babies in the recovery room, stitches snaked over half their swollen bodies, their eyelids blue and transparent. Somehow they always look like victims. "Wait awhile," Nicholas urges. "We'll go up as soon as he's in pediatrics."
Paige pulls away from Nicholas's grasp and stands squarely in front of him, eyes flashing. "You listen to me," she says, her voice hard and low. "I've waited an entire day to find out if my son was going to live or die. I don't care if he's still bleeding all over the place. You get me to him, Nicholas. He needs to know that I'm here."
Nicholas opens his mouth to say that Max, unconscious, will not know if she is in the recovery room or in Peoria. But he stops himself. He's never been unconscious, so what does he know? "Come with me," he says. "They usually don't let you in, but I think I can pull strings."
As they make their way to the recovery room, a string of children in pajamas parades through the hall, wearing papier-mache masks of foxes and geisha girls and Batman. They are led by a nurse whom Nicholas has seen once before; he thinks she baby-sat for Max what seems like years ago. They are singing "Camptown Races," and when they see Paige and Nicholas they break out of their line and puddle in a crowd around them. "Trick or treat," they chant, "trick or treat. Give me something good to eat."
Paige looks to Nicholas, who shakes his head. She stuffs her hands into the pockets of her jeans and turns them inside out to reveal an unshelled pecan, three nickels, and a ball of lint. She picks up each object as if it is coated in gold and presses the treasures one by one into the palms of the waiting children. They frown at her, disappointed.
"Let's go," Nicholas says, pushing her through the tangle of costumed kids. He goes the back way, coming from the service elevator, and walks straight to the nurses' station. It is empty, but Nicholas steps behind the desk as if it is his right and flips through a chart. He turns to tell Paige where Max is, but she has already moved away.
He finds her standing in the recovery room, partially obscured by the thin white curtains. She is absolutely rigid as she stares into the oval hospital crib that holds Max.
Nothing could have prepared Nicholas for this. Underneath the sterile plastic dome, Max is lying perfectly still on his back, arms pointed over his head. An IV needle stabs into him. A thick white bandage covers his stomach and chest, stopping at his penis, which is blanketed with gauze but not restricted by a diaper. A nasogastric tube feeds into a mask that covers his mouth and nose. His chest rises and falls almost imperceptibly. His hair looks obscenely black against the alabaster of his skin.
If Nicholas didn't know better, he would think that Max was dead.
He has forgotten that Paige is there too, but then he hears a choked sound beside him. Tears are streaming down her face when she steps forward to touch the side rail of the crib. Reflected light bathes her face in silver, and with her ringed, haggard eyes she looks very much like a phantom when she turns to Nicholas. "You liar," she whispers. "This is not my son." And she runs out of the room and down the hall.
chapter 42
Paige.
They've killed him. He's so still and pale and tiny that I know it beyond a doubt. Once again there has been a baby and it did not live and it is all because of me.
I run out of the room where they've laid Max out, down the hall and the staircase and through the nearest door I can find. I am suffocating, and when the automatic door slides open I gulp in the night air of Boston. I can't get enough. I fly down Cambridge Street, passing teenagers dressed in bright neon rags and lovers entwined-Rhett and Scarlett, Cyrano and Roxanne, Romeo and Juliet. An old woman with wrinkled skin the shade of a prune stops me with a withered hand on my arm. She holds out an apple. "Mirror, mirror on the wall," she says. "Take it, dearie."
The whole world has changed while I have been inside. Or maybe I'm not where I think I am. Maybe this is purgatory.
The night sweeps from the sky to wrap my feet. When I laugh because my lungs are bursting, the dark streets echo my shrieks. Surely, I think, I am going to hell.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I am aware of the place I've come to. It is in the business district of Boston, filled with pin-striped executives and sweaty hot dog carts during the day; but at night, Government Center is nothing more than a flat gray wasteland, a stage for the dance-crazed wind. I am the only person here. In the background I hear the flutter of the wings of pigeons, beating like a heart.
I have come here with a purpose in mind. I am thinking of Lazarus and of Christ Himself. It isn't right for Max to die for my sins. Nobody ever asked me. Tonight, in return for a miracle, I am willing to sell my own soul.
"Where are You?" I whisper, choking on my words. I close my eyes against the gusts that blow across the plaza. "Why can't I see You?"
I spin wildly. "I grew up with You," I cry. "I believed in You. I even trusted You. But You are not a forgiving God." As if in answer, the wind whistles over the glowing windows of an office building. "When I needed Your strength, You were never there. When I prayed for Your help, You turned away. All I ever wanted was to understand You," I shout. "All I ever wanted were the answers."
I fall to my knees and feel the unforgiving cement, wet and cold. I lift my face to the scrutiny of the sky. "What kind of God are You?" I say, sinking lower to the pavement. "You took away my mother. You made me give up my first baby. You've stolen my second." I press my cheek against the rough concrete surface and know the moment it scrapes and bleeds. "I never knew any of them," I whisper. "Just how much can one person take?"
I can feel Him before I raise my head. He is standing inches behind me. When I see Him, haloed by my pure white faith, it suddenly makes sense. He calls my name, and I fall right into the arms of the man who, I know, has always been my savior.
chapter 43
Nicholas.
" P Paige," Nicholas says, and she turns around slowly. Her shadow, stretching ten skinny feet in front of her, approaches him first. Then she comes forward and falls right against him.
For a moment Nicholas does not know what to do. His arms, acting on their own, fold around her. He buries his face in her hair. It is fragrant and warm and jumps at the ends, as if there are live sparks. He is amazed that after all this time, she fits so well.
The only way he can get her to walk is by bracing her against his side, one arm locked around her shoulders. He is really just dragging her. Paige's eyes are open, and she seems to be looking at Nicholas but not seeing him. Her lips move, and when Nicholas leans close enough he can hear the hot whisper of her breath. He thinks she is saying a prayer.
The streets of Boston are dotted with costumed clusters of people-Elvira and the Lone Ranger and PLO terrorists and Marie Antoinette. A tall man dressed as a scarecrow hooks his arm into Paige's free one and starts to skip, pulling Paige and Nicholas off to the left. "Follow the yellow brick road," he sings at the top of his lungs, until Nicholas shrugs him off. Sputtering lamps cast shadows that creep down the alleys on the backs of dead October leaves. Nich olas can smell winter.
When he reaches the parking garage at Mass General, he picks Paige up in his arms and carries her to his car. He sets her down on her feet while he slides Max's car seat over to one side, pushing a little terry-cloth clown rattle and a sticky pacifier. Then he helps Paige into the back seat, laying her on her side and covering her with his jacket. As he pulls the collar up under her neck, she grabs his hand and holds it with the strength of a vise. She is staring over his shoulder, and that's when she begins to scream.
Nicholas turns around and comes face-to-face with Death. Standing beside the door is an impossibly tall person in the flowing black robes of the Grim Reaper. His eyes are hidden in the folds of his hood, and the point of his tinfoil scythe just grazes Nicholas's shoulder. "Get out of here," Nicholas says, and then he shouts the words. He pushes at the cloak, which seems as insubstantial as ink. Paige stops screaming and sits up, struggling to get out. Nicholas closes her door and pulls himself into the car. He drives past the gaping face into the tangled streets of Boston, toward the sanctuary of his home.
"Paige," Nicholas says. She doesn't answer. He peeks into the rearview mirror, and her eyes stare wide. "Paige," he says again, louder. "Max is going to be fine. He's going to be fine." fine."
He watches her eyes as he says this, and he thinks he can see a glimmer of recognition, but that might just be the murky light in the car. He wonders what pharmacies are open in Cambridge, what he could prescribe that might snap Paige out of this. Normally he'd suggest Valium, but Paige is calm now. Too calm, really. He wants to see her scratching and crying out again. He wants to see a sign of life.
When he pulls into the driveway, Paige sits up. Nicholas helps her out of the car and starts to walk up the steps of the porch, expecting her to follow. But as he puts the key into the lock of the front door, he realizes that Paige is not standing beside him. He sees her walking across the front lawn to the blue hydrangeas, the place where she slept when she was camping outside the house. She lies down on the grass, melting the early frost with the heat of her skin.
"No," Nicholas says, moving toward her. "Come inside, Paige." He reaches out his hand. "Come with me."
At first she doesn't budge, but then Nicholas notices her fingers twitching where they lay at her sides. He realizes this is a case where he will have to go more than halfway. He kneels on the cold ground and pulls Paige into a sitting position, then up to her feet. As he leads her into the house, he looks back beneath the blue hydrangeas. The spot where Paige's body was lying is as clearly defined as a chalked murder outline. Her silhouette is obscenely green against the frost, as if she has left in her wake an artificial spring.
Nicholas leads her into the house, grinding wet mud into the light carpeting. As he peels off Paige's coat and towels her hair dry with a clean dishcloth, he looks over the smudged footprints and decides he likes them; they make him feel as if he knows where he's been. He tosses Paige's coat onto the floor, and then her damp shirt and her jeans. He watches each piece of clothing fall like a bright jewel against the sickly palette of the rug.
Nicholas is so fascinated by the splashes of color blooming across the living room that he does not notice Paige at first. She shivers in front of him, wearing only her underwear. When Nicholas turns to her, he is amazed by the contrasts of color: the tanned line of Paige's neck against the milky skin of her chest; the severe imprint of a birthmark against the whiteness of her belly. If Paige notices his scrutiny, she says nothing. Her eyes stay lowered, and her hands rub up and down her crossed arms. "Say something to me," Nicholas urges. "Say anything."
If she is really in shock, the last thing she should be doing is to stand half naked in the middle of a cold room. Nicholas thinks about bundling her in the old wedding-ring quilt they keep somewhere in the damn house, but he has no idea which closet it's in. He puts his arms around her, and the chill of her skin shudders down his own spine.
Nicholas leads her upstairs to the bathroom. He closes the door and runs the hottest water into the tub, letting the steam cloud the mirrors. When the water fills the tub halfway, he unhooks Paige's bra and slips off her underpants. He helps her into the tub and watches her teeth chatter and the mist rise around her. He stares beneath the ripple of the water at the stretch marks on her hips, now painted an airy silver, as if giving birth is really nothing more than a distant memory.
Automatically, Nicholas picks up the dinosaur-print washcloth and begins to soap Paige as he does Max. He starts with her feet, leaning half into the tub to clean between the toes and to massage the arches. He moves up her legs, sliding the washcloth behind her knees and over her thighs. He rubs her arms and her stomach and the shoulder-blade hollows of her back. He uses the buoyancy of the water to lift her, slipping the washcloth over her bottom and through her legs. He washes her breasts and sees the nipples tighten. He takes the Tupperware cup he keeps on the bathtub ledge and pours clean water over Paige's hair, tilting her head back as the dark-red strands grow sleek and black.
Nicholas wrings out the washcloth and hangs it up to dry. The water is still running in the tub, the level rising. As Paige starts to move, water splashes onto his shirt and in his lap. She reaches forward and makes a low, throaty sound, stretching her hand toward Max's rubber duck. Her fingers close over the yellow head, the orange bill. "Oh, God," she says, turning to Nicholas. "Oh, my God."
It happens very quickly-Paige lurches out of the tub and Nich olas rises up to meet her. She wraps her arms around his neck and clutches at the fabric of his shirt until it pulls over his head. All the time he is kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her neck. His fingertips circle her breasts as her hands struggle to unbuckle and unzip. When they are both naked, Nicholas leans over Paige on the white tile and gently brushes her lips. To his surprise, she locks her fingers into his hair, kissing him greedily and refusing to free him.
It has been so long since he felt his wife next to him, holding him, surrounding him. He recognizes every smell and every texture of her body; he knows the points where their skin will meet and become slick. In the past he has thought mostly of his own body-the heavy pressure building between his legs and the moment he knows to let go and the catch of his heart in his throat when he comes-but now he only wants to make Paige happy. The thought runs through his mind over and over; it is the least he can do. It has been so long.
Nicholas can gauge by Paige's breathing what she feels. He pauses and whispers against Paige's neck. "Will this hurt?"
She looks up at him, and Nicholas tries to read her expression, but all he can see is the absence of fear, of regret. "Yes," she says. "More than you know."
They come together with the fury of a storm, clawing and scratching and sobbing. They are pressed so close they can barely move, just rocking back and forth. Nicholas feels Paige's tears against his shoulder. He holds her as she trembles and closes softly around him; he cries out to her when he loses control. He makes love with a violence bred of passion, as if the act that creates life might also be used to ward away death.
They fall into a deep sleep on the bed, on top of the comforter. Nicholas curls his body around Paige as though that might protect her from tomorrow. Even in his sleep he reaches for her, filling his hand with the curve of her breast, crossing her abdomen with his arm. In the middle of the night he wakes up, to find Paige staring at him. He wishes there were words to say the things he wants to say.
Instead he pulls her against him and begins to touch her again, much more slowly. In the back of his mind he thinks he should not be doing this, but he cannot stop himself. If he can take her away for a little while, if she can take him him away, what's the harm? In his profession, he never stops fighting against impossible odds, but he learned a long time ago that not all outcomes can be controlled. He tells himself this is the reason he's trying so hard now not to become involved, not to let himself love. He can fight till he drops, yet somewhere in the back of his mind he understands the margins of his power. away, what's the harm? In his profession, he never stops fighting against impossible odds, but he learned a long time ago that not all outcomes can be controlled. He tells himself this is the reason he's trying so hard now not to become involved, not to let himself love. He can fight till he drops, yet somewhere in the back of his mind he understands the margins of his power.
Nicholas closes his eyes as Paige runs her tongue along the line of his throat and spreads her small hands across his chest. For a quick moment he lets himself believe that she belongs to him every bit as much as he belongs to her. Paige kisses the corner of his mouth. It is not about possession and limits. It is about giving everything until there's nothing left to give, and then searching and scraping until you find a little bit more.
Nicholas rolls over so that he and Paige are facing each other on their sides. They stare at each other for a long time, running their hands over familiar skin and whispering things that do not matter. They come together two more times that night, and Nicholas tallies their lovemaking silently. The first time is for forgiving. The second time is for forgetting. And the third time is for beginning all over again.
chapter 44
Paige.
I wake up in my own bed, in Nicholas's arms, and I have absolutely no idea how I got there. wake up in my own bed, in Nicholas's arms, and I have absolutely no idea how I got there. Maybe, Maybe, I think to myself, I think to myself, this has all been a bad dream. this has all been a bad dream. For a moment I am almost convinced that if I walk down the hall I will find Max curled in his crib, but then I remember the hospital and last night, and I cover my head with the pillow, hoping to block out the light of day. For a moment I am almost convinced that if I walk down the hall I will find Max curled in his crib, but then I remember the hospital and last night, and I cover my head with the pillow, hoping to block out the light of day.
Nicholas stirs beside me. The white sheets contrast with his black hair, making him look immortal. As his eyes open, I have a fleeting memory of the night before, Nicholas's hands moving over my body like a running line of fire. I startle and pull the sheet up to cover myself. Nicholas rolls onto his back and closes his eyes.
"This probably shouldn't have happened," I whisper.
"Probably not," Nicholas says tensely. He rubs his hand across his jaw. "I called the hospital at five," he says. "Max was still sleeping soundly, and his vitals were good. The prognosis is excellent. He'll be fine."
He'll be fine. I want to trust Nicholas more than anything, but I will not believe him until I see Max and he lifts his arms and calls for me. "Can we see him today?" I ask. I want to trust Nicholas more than anything, but I will not believe him until I see Max and he lifts his arms and calls for me. "Can we see him today?" I ask.
Nicholas nods. "At ten o'clock," he says, and then he rolls out of bed to step into paisley boxer shorts. "Do you want to use this bathroom?" he says quietly, and without waiting for an answer, he pads down the hall to the smaller one.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I am shocked by the shadows above my cheeks and the red cast of my eyes. I look around for my toothbrush, but of course it isn't there; Nicholas would have thrown it out months ago. I borrow his, but I can barely brush my teeth because my hands are shaking. The toothbrush clatters into the bowl of the sink and leaves a violent blue mark of Crest. I wonder how I ever became so incompetent.