TRACY :I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god,are you still there?"
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
-Anonymous
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-Agatha Christie
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
-Anonymous
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
-H. L. Mencken
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
-H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a three ring circus: -engagement ring -wedding ring -SUFFE-RING
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married.
He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child?
A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
Joke # 2: The best bar in the world...
*** WARNING - This joke is ADULT in nature! ***
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
Joke # 1: The Talking Newborn...