"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and: Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."
The white guy finishes his drink and goes home.
That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but very slowly and very gently.
"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"
Gagging for it.
So there's this young couple, Louise & Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant and the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely spannered and unfit for any sexual activity.
One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers & bra. As is always the case, Al runs upstairs, gets ready and goes down the pub. Once again, Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself.
Then at 10:15 (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Lou re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Als first words are "right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom".
"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This *IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!"
When Lou reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says "right, now get your kit off!". Lousie doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice.
"Now get over in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!', "..and do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages' thinks Lou..
Al walks over to Lou, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch...
"Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me..!"
Gas Grill.
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge."
At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It is as big as the gas grill!"
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little sausage!"
Going Fishing.
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife... Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog. The wife grimaces... But I don't like fishing! Look! We're going fishing and that's final. Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go! Right I'll give you three choices...
1 You come fishing with me and the dog...
2 You give me a BLOW JOB....
3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again... But I don't want to do any of those things! Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!
The wife sits and thinks about it.. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back...Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass? The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. O.K. I'll give you a blow job! Great! He says and drops his trollies....
The wife is on her knees doing the business.. she stops...looks up at her Husband... Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!
Yes! says her husband 'The dog didn't want to go fishing either.
Golf in his Sleep.
A guy and his wife are sound asleep in bed when all of a sudden the husband cracks his wife right in the head.
Wife responds "what the hell are you doing?"
Husband says "I'm playing a really tough par 5 and I just crushed my drive!"
Wife... "knock it off and go back to sleep."
Minutes later... crack... right in her head!
Wife... "now what?"
Husband... "I just drilled my three wood and I'm on the green!"
Wife... "I mean it! Knock it off and go back to sleep!"
Moments later... crack... WIFE hits HUSBAND right in the head!
Husband... "what the hell did you do that for?"
Wife... "I want you to stop using my pubic hairs to see which way the wind's blowing!"
Hard Worker.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Have Some Cents.
The daughter was talking to her mother about her upcoming divorce.
Her mother asked "Why would you want a divorce? You have the perfect husband, the perfect house, ..."
The daughter interupted, "Well, mom, let me put it this way, my asshole used to be like a dime, now it's like a half dollar."
And the Mother said "So what, you're going to get a divorce over 40 cents?"
How to Live a Long Life.
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.