Q. "What sort of trouble?"
A. "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. "
Q. "Went away?"
A. "They disappeared."
Q. "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
A. "Nothing."
Q. "Nothing?"
A. "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Q. "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
A. "How do I tell?"
Q. "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
A. "What's a sea-prompt?"
Q. "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
A. "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Q. "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
A. "What's a monitor?"
Q. "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
A. "I don't know."
Q. "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
A. "Yes, I think so."
Q "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
A. ".......Yes, it is."
Q. "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
A. "No."
Q. "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
A. "....... Okay, here it is."
Q. "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
A. "I can't reach."
Q. "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
A. "No."
Q. "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
A. "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Q. "Dark?"
A. "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Q. "Well, turn on the office light then."
A. "I can't."
Q. "No? Why not?"
A. "Because there's a power outage."
Q. "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do youstill have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
A. "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Q. "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
A. "Really? Is it that bad?"
Q "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
A. "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Q. "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Y2K Compliant Software System.
Memorandum on the implementation of new Y2K compliant software system TO: all employees MEMO RE: Millennia Year Application Software System DATE: This memo is to announce the development and full-phase implementation of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will house all firm data that is Post-Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" or simply "MYASS". I am very excited about this latest enhancement to our current system and am sure that soon everyone will be as excited about MYASS.
Next Monday at 9:00 am I'd like all staff in the department to attend an important meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. I will also be holding demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS and see first hand its amazing capacity. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can use MYASS at one time due to the single available data input terminal. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into my assistant's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried deep in MYASS.
I have, however, noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had my secretary say to me, "I'm a little nervous, since I've never put anything in MYASS before. Will it be compatible with my OLE system?" I volunteered to help her through her first time with the help of my MS installer and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to becoming a regular user. She went so far as to say that after having used SAP and Oracle, she was almost ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
I am also aware that highly sensitive information will be logged in so I've made privacy an issue of primary concern. Because of the revolutionary encryption technology and other extraordinary security precautions I would like all staff to rest assured that their use of MYASS will remain highly confidential. All employees are asked to pay extra attention to safeguarding passwords and not to make known their use of MYASS to those not directly concerned. To further minimize unauthorized external leakage I would welcome all staff to bring any security concerns they may have to my attention.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS without fear of possible crashes or down- time. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand an entire daily log to an employee and say confidently, "Here, stick this in MYASS, it can handle it."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Assessment Chair Person exclaimed proudly, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
22 ft. Bayliner Boat.
Earlier this summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Airplane Cockpit Intercom.
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."
Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - splat and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."
Backseat Driver.
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver..
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the 'ole man..
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of yer seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."