"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."
"Did it work ?" asked the friend.
"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."
Johnny & Susie.
There was a boy named Johnny Fucker Faster and he met this young bitch named Susie Pea.
She invited him to play hooky for a day. Her mom was a nurse and would be at work all day.
So Johnny takes her up on the offer because he wanted to get his little pee pee wet. Johnny and Susie got it on all day for hours. While Johnny was doing Susie doggy style Susie reaches back and strokes my balls (sorry I mean Johnny's balls :} Susies mom comes home early from work and walks in on these two and to her surprise Johnny is inside of her daughter "balls deep!"
Susie's mom hollers "Johnny Fucker Faster and Susie Pea!"
Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying!" And Susie replies "I can't my holes plugged up!"
Just Married Couple.
A just-married couple's on a plane on the way to their honeymoon.
The wife turns to her new husband and says, "Honey, how will I let you know at night when I want to have sex?"
He says, "Simple. Any night you want to have sex, reach over and tug on my dick. And any night you don't want to have sex, tug on it about three hundred and fifty times."
Male Sex Organ.
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: - has to work hard.
- has to work at great depths.
- has to work upside down.
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work.
- has to work in a high humidity environment.
- has to work at high temperatures.
- does not get weekends and holidays off.
- does not get time off after extra hours of work.
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request denied for the following reasons.
- does not work 8 hours in a row.
- does not answer immediately to all requests;.
- does not have a degree.
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work.
- shows no fidelity to the workplace.
- retires too early.
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind.
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
Marsian's Dick.
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Murphy's Law on Sex.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.