Trade in for a Job.
The madam of a whorehouse is having a great year for business, so she decides to divide her reception area in half so she'll have another bedroom.
She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and when he's finished, he says, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide apart. She says with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in her asshole and his thumb in her pussy and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition!"
Two Black Eyes.
A man came to work Monday with two black eyes. "Where did you get them black eyes?" a co-worker asked.
"In church," the man replied. "As we were standing," the man continued, "I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me was stuck up the crack of her ass. So, I pulled it out. She turned and belted me in the eye."
"Well, how did you get the second black eye?"
"Evidently, she didn't like me pulling her dress out of the crack of her ass, so I pushed it back."
What's a Monica.
A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and start to discuss prices.
She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers.
Head Hog at the Trough.
The phone in a college dean's office rang, and his secretary answered, "Hello, Acme University."
"Howdy," replied a man with a heavy Texas accent, "Could Ah please speak tothe Head Hog at the Trough?"
After a long pause, the secretary said coldly, "Excuse me?"
"Ah want the Head Hog at the Trough," said the Texan.
"Listen, Redneck," snapped the angry secretary, "The dean of our fine school is referred to as 'Dean Brown' or 'Doctor Brown'. We do NOT refer to him as the 'Head Hog at the Trough'! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
After an even longer pause, the Texan replied quietly, "Yeah, Ma'am. Ah understand. Guess Ah heard wrong about your school bein' nice and neighbourly. Looks like Ah'll jest have to donate muh poor ol' pappy's hundred million bucks to another place."
"Wait, wait!" shouted the secretary. "Here comes the Big Pig now!!"
Redneck Father & Son.
There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his father.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said.
So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his son.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."
"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell," said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."
Redneck Newlyweds.
A Redneck couple was in bed on their wedding night, and were about to consummate their marriage.
The wife stops the husband, saying "Be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
The man is astounded. He has never been with a virgin before. He decides to call his father for advice.
"Dad," says the newly-married young man. "My new wife is a virgin! What do I do?"
"Better come on home, son," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."
Shooting Cans.
A Redneck Southern Guy walks into a gun shop.
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?".
Redneck Guy (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Redneck Guy: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Redneck Guy (pointing at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?"
Redneck Guy: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans............"