Measuring Height.
A group of men were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So the men go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
A woman comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the woman has gone, one man turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a woman! We're looking for height and she gives us the length!"
New Secretary.
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
Nice Smelling Hair.
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Office Prayer.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."
Amen.
Out of Work Actor.
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
""Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who are you?" asks the bouncer."
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT"
Overworked.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep or too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason that I am tired. I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
14,800,000 people work for State and City Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Paintings.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Pharmacist Father.