QUALIFIED.
The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
The Comedian: "He doesn't-he is."
CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE.
Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight-me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."
Billie: "Dat ain't nuthin'-me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."
FROM THE HEART.
The Wife: "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."
The Husband: "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."
The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."
The Reporter: "And er-if you get beaten, what will your-er-weak spot have been?"
AN ARGUMENT.
"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
THE SECRET.
The Man of Theory: "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."
The Man of Practice: "But it has to be a whole lot."
WANTS HER RIGHTS.
He: "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."
She: "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"
"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid-not a useful maid."
GETTING BACK.
Customer to Palmist: "Five dollars fee? Er-would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"
Betty: "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
Mother: "Yes, dear; of course He does."
Betty: "But what a price!"
DURING VACATION.
The Summer Girl: "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."
The Summer Man: "Well-er-could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"
NOT UNIQUE.
He: "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
She: "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."
A NOBLE AIM.
She: "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."
ONCE TOO OFTEN.
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."
"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
SYMPATHY.
Freddie (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"
His Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"
Freddie: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
SLIGHTED.
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."
"Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you'd call it a quarrel."