HELP.
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?"
"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand-he's a sore thumb."
A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree. Finally, the man shouted between gasps: "For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery old hog!"
HELPFULNESS.
Many a mayor is a friend to the people-just like his honor in the following story.
A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and his business there as follows: "My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."
It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to interview that official.
After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the office of the registrar.
"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of water than ever it was before.
And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed, and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."
The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and that the only recourse must be to the mayor.
"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor? I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr. O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"
HEN.
The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop said: "Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."
"But I don't see any hen."
The clerk explained patiently.
"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter hen. Hen stands for noo-laid."
HEREAFTER.
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."
"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."
Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.
"And candy, too, mamma?"
The mother shook her head.
"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."
HEREDITY.
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps: "He looks just like his muvver."
HIGH PRICES.
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: "The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"
The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases, answered cynically: "It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."
HINDSIGHT.
Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously: "Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"
Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls, and shook his head.
"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible twisted."
A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"
HINTING.
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter- it'$ nece$$ary in our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch remi$$ne$ $."
HISTORY.
The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that subject protested: "But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the faculty declared.
The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly: "Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult study, and most perplexing."
Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was as follows: "Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks. Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way, an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched.
Yassuh, an' when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im, an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"
HOGS.
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply: "We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be sure to come."
HOLDING HIS OWN.
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."
HOME BREW.
The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.
"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"
The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly: "Anything!"
And she fell into his arms.
HOMESICKNESS.
One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The officer spoke roughly: "Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"
"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive voice.
"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for? What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"
"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"
HONEYMOON.
The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily.
"I'm back, honey-let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again: "Honey, honey-it's Susie! Let me in!"
Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door: "Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"
HONORABLE INTENTIONS.