Did you hear about the man that put a small ad in the paper looking for a wife?
He got hundreds of letters all from blokes saying, "You can have mine."
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that what is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Q: Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and German Footballers?
A: The English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second!
Q: What have the England Football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A: A dog that'll savage your leg and then run off to fetch a doctor.
Did you hear about the blonde that took her first bicycle back to the store where she bought it? She said it was defective as every time she tried to ride it, it fell over.
Q: How many perverts does it take to put a light bulb in?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire casualty department to get it out.
Did you hear about the orchestra leader that was nearly stuck by lightning?
The audience put his escape down to him being a poor conductor.
Q: What did Sir Lancelot say when he arrive at a hotel?
A: Have you got a bed for a Knight?
Thought for the day: The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Met a gorgeous Dutch girl with inflatable shoes.
I rang her up before but she had popped her clogs.
What's in a name.
Fu, Bu and Chu emigrate from China to America. After hearing the trouble people have saying their names they decide to Americanise them.
Bu called himself Buck, Chu called himself Chuck, and Fu goes back to China.
News flash: Doctors in Austria have performed the worlds first successful tongue transplant. Just hours after this pioneering surgery, the patient was awake and able to give his first interview. When asked by a reporter, "How does it feel to have a new tongue?"
He replied, "Wellllllll ifmmnnnn mmmmmm arrrr Bettfffffflllllerr!"
To the Management.
I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
Dear Mr Penis.
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before age 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags which are full when you enter and empty when you leave... very odd.
Sincerely.
The Management.
The signal.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights switched off.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figured out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast once."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and suggests to his wife, "If you want to have sex with me reach over and pull my penis once but If you don't want to have sex, pull my penis a couple of hundred times."
The workers.
A passer by approaches two workmen and asks them what they are doing...
"We work for the government," says one of the workers.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" protests the passer by.
"You don't understand," says one of the men. "Normally there are three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt back. Just because Rodney's sick, doesn't mean that Mike and me can't work."
New watch.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," says the guy, "I've just bought this telepathic watch and I'm testing it."