Fairy Tales.
A little girl asks her father, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
"Nope" He replies, "Most begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
The Winking Problem.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his application and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best university; your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales rep has a highly visible position, and I'm afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," says the guy. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and within a minute stops winking.
"Well," says the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" Protests the guy. "Well then, how do you explain all the condoms?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Tiger.
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."
Air conditioner.
A customer is continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he asks for the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asks for it be turned down because its too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter is very patient, walking back and forth and never getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asks, "Hey, why don't you just throw out that pest?"
"Oh, I don't mind," says the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Getting Older.
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Flight.
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Sadam Hussein is watching Star Trek when he notices that there are no Iraqis in the show. So he calls George Bush to protest and find out why.
Bush replies, "O that's simple its set in the future - after the next gulf war!"
Open wide.
A guy is having sex with an older girl that he's picked up at the local disco. They're on the lounge floor both enjoying themselves when he says, "Spread your legs at little wider."
So she does.
"A bit wider. Wider!"
"Hey" She says, what the hell are you trying to do? Get your balls in as well?"
"Nope" replies the guy, "I'm trying to get them out."
Just good friends.
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a friend?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover only not quite so often!"
Feeling ill.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I really feel ill, can you do some tests?"
"Sure" says the Doc, "I'll call you when the results come back"
The guy thanks the Doc and then goes about his daily routine.
Two days later the phone wakes the guy up. He picks it up and it's the Doc.
The doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
The guy says, "What is the good news?"
"You have 24 hours to live."
"And what's the bad news?" asks the guy.
"Sorry" says the Doc, "But I forgot to call you yesterday."