Tarzan the safe sex practice.
Jane was attracted to him Tarzan and while chatting she asked him about sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
So Jane explained sex to him and Tarzan said, "Oh Sex, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
"Tarzan you've got it all wrong," said Jane Horrified, "Let me show you how to do it properly." So Jane took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.
"Here," she said, "You put that big thing it in here."
Tarzan stepped closer with his huge erection, and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony and screamed, "What the hell was that for?"
Tarzan gave a puzzled look and said, "I check for bees."
A crazy night.
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you and I felt a strong urge to grab you and squeeze you. I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night. What happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today I woke up and you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing. It's so harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... you god dam mosquito.
House Hold Repairs.
A guy is at home watching football on the Telly when his wife asks, "Could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering all week."
He looks at her and says angrily and says, "Fix the light? Does it look like I've got Electrician tattooed on my head? I don't think so."
"OK, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I've got Zanussi tattooed on my head? I don't think so. I'm going to the pub."
"Fine," she says.
After a couple of hours at the pub he starts feeling guilty about the way he's treated his wife. So he decides to go home and do the jobs.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer from the fridge he notices the door is fixed.
"Did you fix everything?" he asks his wife.
"No," she says, "The nice young man ask from next door asked me if he could help. He said he'd do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either fuck him or bake him a cake."
"So what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Bake him a cake?" she says, "does it look like I've got Delia Smith tattooed on my head?
I don't think so."
The Chemist.
Mr Smith's wife runs into the chemist's shop and shouts, "You old fool! You filled my husband's prescription with strychnine instead of quinine!"
"O," replies the Chemist, "that'll be 10 pounds 40 extra then."
It's so low.
An American went on vacation to Europe, and although he new the American dollar was low he didn't realise just how low. When he threw a couple of coins in the fountain he was arrested for littering.
The Bikini Wax.
Wife: I'm into today, but could you run me to the beauty parlour tomorrow? I'm getting a Hollywood Style Bikini wax.
Husband: Sure thing. I suppose you could say you'll be hair today and gone tomorrow.
Art - The painting.
A couple are attending an art exhibition in London and are staring at a portrait that has them confused. The painting depicts three totally naked black men sitting on a bench.
Two of them have black penises, but the third has a pink one. The curator realising that the couple are having trouble interpreting the picture and offers his assessment.
He goes on for nearly half an hour, and explains how it depicts the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white society. In fact, he points out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator leaves, a Scottish man approaches the couple and says, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about? Because I'm the artist."
"Sure," says the couple.
"They're not African Americans. They're Scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The farmer.
A farmer is milking a cow when a fly was buzzes past him and into the into the cow's ear.
After a few minutes the farmer is amazed to see the fly come out in the stream of milk.
"Amazing!" says the farmer. "In one ear and out the udder."
The Bikini.
A teenage girl buys herself a micro bikini. At home she very proudly she puts it and models it for her mother.
"What do you think?" asks the girl.
"Hum," replies her mother, "If I'd worn one like that at your age, you'd be about 5 years older."
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using the contraceptive machine?
A: The graffiti says, "Don't buy this gum...it tastes like rubber!"
My Career.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I was a baker for a while but had to quit. The business failed - I couldn't raise the dough.
Then I was a butcher until I backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in the orders.
My most successful turn was to be a farmer where I turned out to be outstanding in the fields.
Intelligence.
Little Johnnie asks his mother, "Mum, where does all of my intelligence come from?"
"Hum," says his mum, "I think you must have got it form your father because I still got mine!"
Alternative Nursery Rhymes.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.