"What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher.
"He's a magician," says boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Very impressive! And do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yea," says John, "I've one half brother and one half sister."
The First Affair.
A middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair.
A coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they were be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the coroner, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair.
A guy walks into a bar asks for a beer.
"Certainly, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
"Yes. That's right," says the barman. So the guy glances over at the menu.
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips?"
"Sure," replies the barman, "but that'll cost."
"How much?" asks the guy.
"4 cents", replies barman.
"FOUR CENTS!!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the owner of this place?"
"Upstairs with my wife," replies the barman.
"What's he doing with your wife?" ask the guy.
"O, Same thing I'm doing to his business."
Looking good.
When guy gets home he walks straight into the living room, takes his wife by the hand and leads her up stairs. He takes her to the bedroom and in a stern voice says, "strip."
His wife strips slowly for him, and finally stands naked. Her husband looks her up and down and says, "Come here in front of the mirror."
"Now do a hand stand," says the husband.
Trembling with anticipation, the wife does a hand stand. Her husband walks behind her.
"Spread your legs," he says to her. She does, and he places his head between her thighs.
"What has gotten into you?" she asks him, her voice excited and trembling.
"Nothing," her husband replies, looking at their reflection.
"But the guys at work were right, I would suit a beard."
Cleaning.
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks calls at a house. When a woman answers and before she can say anything, he dumps a pile of mud her carpet.
"Lady," he says, "if this cleaner does don't remove all that mud, I'll eat what's left!"
The woman replies, "Do you want ketchup on that?"
Stunned the salesman asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says the woman, "We've just had a power cut."
The marrying kind.
A beautiful girl is bragging to her friend about her forthcoming wedding.
"A lot of men are going to be so miserable when I marry," she says.
"Really?" says her pal, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: Megasoarass.
Little Johnny - Thumb Sucking
Little Johnny gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his mum and dads room the door was jar and Johnny peeked in. He then runs back to his room to get his little brother. The both peeked into their parent's room and Johnny says, "Can you believe that's the same woman who spanked you for sucking your THUMB?"
Female put downs to chat up lines...
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?