The sick parrot.
A guy takes his very noisy sick parrot to the vet. "Has he been having sex?" asks the vet.
"Yes, he has," says the guy.
"I thought so," replies the vet, "your bird has case of chirp-ees. But don't worry it's tweet-able."
Expensive knickers.
A woman goes into a sex shop with her friend to but some erotic under wear. She's looking at some crutch less knickers when she turns to her friend and says, "Come on we're leaving."
"What's wrong?" asks her pal.
"The Crutch less knickers are 50 quid!" she says, "I had know idea it'd cost so much to look so cheap."
Wedding blues.
Three weeks after her wedding day a woman calls her priest and says, "Father I've had a dreadful fight with my husband."
"Calm down my child," says the priest, "it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has its ups and downs."
"I know, I know!" says the woman. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
Cheating.
The Major who was found guilty of cheating on 'Who wants to be a millionaire', has just committed suicide.
The TV Company say that, "They are very embarrassed by the whole thing and will pay for the funeral. But under no circumstances will they pay for the coffin."
Cut the Mustard.
The makers of well-known French Mustard have issued the following statement:
"We at ****** wish to put an end to rumours that our product is made in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in England.
The only thing that France and our Mustard have in common is that they are both yellow."
What's the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic?
A psychotic says, "Two plus two is five."
A neurotic says, "Two plus two is four, and I can't stand it."
A woman and her gynaecologist.
A middle-aged woman visits her gynaecologist.
"I've been have a few problems," she says, "On Monday I went to the toilet and I heard a plink. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." On Tuesday a similar thing happened but the coins were 5 pence pieces. This morning the same thing happened but the coins were 10 pence pieces. What's wrong with Doctor?"
"Don't worry," the gynaecologist replies comfortingly, "You're simply going through the change."
Three Businessmen.
Three businessmen an American, an English and an Irishman are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, there's a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beeping stops. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my forearm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The English man lifts his palm to his ear and begins talking. When he's finished, he explains, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman is feeling very low tech and decides he has to do something just as impressive. So he steps out of the sauna and goes to the bathroom. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raise their eyebrows and stare at him. Finally the Irishman says, "Would you look at that? I'm getting a fax."
The drunk.
A drunk gets on a night bus and staggers up the aisle. He sits next to a prim elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you pal. You're going straight to hell!"
The man immediately jumps out of his seat and runs down the aisle. "Stop the bus," he shouts, "If its going to be warm I'll I need to buy some shorts."
Three Engineers and a Faulty Car.
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a Microsoft engineer are in a car.
Suddenly the car breaks down and the three start wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault that way.
The mechanical engineer suggests stripping down the fuel in take system and trying to find a blockage.
The Microsoft engineer comes up with the usual suggestion: "Close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work?"
The Bacon Slicer.
A guy works in meat processing factory. One day he tells his wife that he has a strange urge - he wants to stick his penis into the bacon slicer!
The wife suggests that he should see a sex therapist, but he says "No" and vows to get over it.
A few weeks later when the guy arrives home the wife immediately senses that something is wrong.
"I have a confession to make," says the guy. "Do you remember that I had this urge to put my penis into the bacon slice?"
"You didn't?" gasps the wife.
"I did," replies the bloke.
"And what happened?"
"I got fired."
"And what happened to the slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Q and A.
Q: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it.
Q: How do you know if your doctor is Egyptian?
A: The sign on the door says Chiropractor.
Q: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A: Phone her.