The Chinese samurai smiles then opened a tiny box releasing a fly. He draws his sword.
Swish! Swish! The fly falls to the floor neatly quartered.
The Jewish samurai steps forward releases a fly and draws his sword. SWOOSH! The speed of his sword creates a gust of wind. The fly lets out a high-pitched squeak, but continues to fly around.
"What kind of skill is this?" asks the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead schmead," replies the Jewish samurai. "Any one can do dead, that's easy. But, circumcision... that takes skill!"
The psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he says.
To the first mother he says, "You're obsessed with eating. So you've named your daughter Candy."
To the second Mum he says, "You're obsessed is with money. So you've you're your daughter Penny."
He turns to the third Mom and says, "Your obsession is with alcohol. So you've named your child Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, gets up, takes her son by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
Is sex a sin?
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Jesus is out there.
A little boy is afraid of the dark. One night his mother asks him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turns to his mother and says, "Mum, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiles reassuringly at her son. "Don't be afraid of the dark," she says.
"Jesus is out there and he'll protect you."
The little boy looks at his mother real hard and asks, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he's always ready to help when you need him. "
The little boy thinks about his mother's words for a minute and then goes to the back door. Opening it a little and peering into the darkness, he says, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
The Elephant.
An Elephant is drinking at a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across to the other riverbank.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a bit out of my trunk 20 years ago."
"Wow, that's some memory you've got!" says the giraffe.
"Yea," says the elephant. "I guess you could say I've got Turtle recall."
69.
A girl takes a guy home to her apartment one night. She so hot that, as soon as they get inside she suggests that they do "69". "What's that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees. The second they get in to the position, she lets rip with a massive a fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." She says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets loose with a total stinker!
The guy gets up and put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy replies, " If that's 1 and 2 you've got to be crazy if you think I'm sticking around for the other 67! "
Seven Glad Hearts In A Day.
A rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."
The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but Seven?"
"Hey" says the rabbi, "do you think I do this for free?"
Sinner ...
A girl kneels in the confessional and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
"What is it my child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice today I have gazed at myself in the mirror and said how beautiful I look."
The priest turns, takes a look at the girl, and says, "I have good news for you. That isn't a sin it's merely a mistake."
Noisy Neighbours.
A Scottish guy goes to study at an English university and is living in the hall of residence. After he's been there a month his mother comes to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asks.
"Mother," he replies, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams and screams all night!"
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Simple, I do nothing. I just sit here quietly and play my bagpipes."
Gifts.
A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this lavish gift, a friend asks, "I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," replies the guy. "But where in the hell am I going to find a fake Jeep?"
The clone.
A human clone with three eyes, no arms, and one leg escapes from a secret English lab.
To run away as quickly as possible he decides to hitchhike. A truck driver pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! Hop in!"
Q: What do you call a girl that pretends to be someone they are not?
A: Emma Taters.