REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female definition: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male definition: A device for scanning through all 35 channels every 5 minutes.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female definition: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male definition: Agreeing not to pick up other women when you are out with your girlfriend.
Twelve Exercises That Nobody Needs.
Jumping to conclusions Running around in circles Wading through paperwork Pushing your luck Passing the buck Throwing your weight around Jumping on the bandwagon Spinning your wheels Dragging your heels Adding fuel to the fire Climbing the walls Grasping at straws
Thoughts on Life.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Q and A jokes.
Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Wearing regular rocks would be far too heavy!
Q: When a man talks dirty to a woman what's it called?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: When a woman talks dirty to a man what's it called?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here."
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q: How can you recognize a French soldier?
A: He the one with the Sunburned armpits.
Q: What do Orange cartons and women have in common?
A: It's not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting the flaps to open that count!
Q: What do you call a Museum of erotica?
A: It's a den of antiquities!
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Another Nudist colony.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and send her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but ACCIDENTALLY sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says ...
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style ... it makes your nose look too short!"
Friends.
A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he ... puts her out. She walks back.
The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to go out of town 15 miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her.
She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.
Third night they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the car. "I wanna fuck you".
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth. After the humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.
She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a friend of mine from a case of Herpes!"
Sex councillor.
Natasha announced to the bartender, "Seems I've been informally named adviser on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," Natasha answered.
"During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts and I was then told "When they wanted my f**King advice, they'd let me know."
Bus Drivers.
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times!*
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"
Naughty.
Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and the grooms decide to have a few beers together.
"I bet I make love to my wife, more times than you make love to you wife tonight!" says the first groom.
"No way. I'll take that bet!" says the second.
"Right" says the first groom "When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, order the same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love. Then we'll know who's won."