Sex shop purchase.
An Essex Girl walks into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The assistant says, "Choose anything you like from our range on the wall other there."
"Hum" she says, "I'll take the red one."
"Sorry Love you can't have that one." Replies the assistant, "That's our fire extinguisher."
A few married couple comments explained.
What you say What you mean I love it when you wear that outfit. No matter how many times you ask me, I won't tell you that those pants make your ass look fat.
I don't need the biggest engagement ring in the store.
I just need a bigger engagement ring than the ones all my friends got.
Your eyes are so hypnotic. I can't make eye contact with you while I am lying about shagging my secretary.
Well, I usually don't bring a guy home on the first date.
If you buy me the veal, I'll let you touch my tits.
Did you feel the Earth move last night?
Did you notice me farting while you were sleeping?
It hurts me when you go out of town on business.
My other boyfriend is into hardcore S&M.
A Rabbit's Life.
A lady opened her refrigerator and finds a rabbit with a lisp sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asks.
The rabbit replies, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes" replies the lady.
"Well," says the rabbit, "I'm westing."
News flash.
France announced today that it plans to ban firework displays at Euro Disney. Apparently following last night's display a number soldiers at a nearby French army barracks ran up a white flag and surrendered.
Q: Why are nudist wedding so popular with ladies?
A: You've no need to ask who the best man is!
A guy says to his wife "When I look in the mirror I see a fat balding old man. Please says something good to me".
The wife replies, "You've got great eyesight!"
Fascinating fact.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Q. What have a Rubix cube and a penis got in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your pay cheque and your dick?
A. Your wife will always blow your pay cheque!
Q. What four words can be used to deflate a man's ego?
A. "Is it in yet?"
Puns.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A man who got his Prit Glue Stik mixed up with his Lip balm is remaining tight-lipped about the incident.
I fed too much coffee to my dancing fleas so they could do the jitterbug.
Smart dog?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While drinking he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. After ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the guy's and whispers, "Wow, that's a really smart dog!"
The man whispers back, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
Problems?
A young couple decided to get married and as they approach the big day they become increasing apprehensive. Each has a problem they've never shared with anyone else!
The Groom decides to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he says, "I'm concerned about the success of my marriage."
"Why is that son?"
"I have this problem. I have really smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"Don't worry," says dad, "Wash your feet very day, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well this seemed a workable solution.
The bride decides to ask her mom for advice.
"Mom," she says, "I'm concerned about the success of my marriage."
"Why is that?"