A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends. He's only been there a couple of days when there's knock on the door.
"Hi," says the visitor. "I'm Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thought I'd come and introduce myself."
"Thanks," says the young man. "I'm Mike."
"Well Mike, would you like to come to a party over at my place on Saturday night? There'll be plenty of booze, great music and lots of sex."
"Wow, that sounds good, what do you reckon I should wear?"
says Mike.
"Oh, come as you are, there'll only be the two of us."
Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said, "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?"
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate.
In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man.
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished a very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet."
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs'
good fortune, another man joined them.
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?"
"Certainly," they replied, "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?"
"Well, mixed fortunes really," he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends. One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane."
Alan and Cyril went to Blackpool for the weekend and because the weather was so hot, they decided to spend the afternoon on the beach. While Alan sunbathed, Cyril took the lilo into the water but after half an hour the wind suddenly blew up and he found himself floating out to sea.
Luckily, the lifeguards spotted the danger and took immediate action. A few minutes later, he was dragged gasping from the sea as Alan rushed up.
"Cyril, Cyril, are you alright? It's me, Alan."
"Indeed I'm not," gasped Cyril. "I was on that lilo for ages and not once did you look up and blow me a kiss."
"I'm sorry, dad, I think I've let you down."
"Why's that, son?"
"Yesterday we had to do our first parachute jump and when it came to my turn, I just froze, I couldn't make myself take that final step."
"So what happened?"
"The instructor told me if I didn't jump, he'd fuck me up the arse."
"So did you jump?"
"I did a little, at first."
One of the most beautiful girls in the region had all her clothes stolen when she went sunbathing in what she thought was a secluded spot. Realising that the evening was coming and it would get cold she knew she'd have to take a chance and get home as soon as possible.
At that moment she saw a young man pedalling along the road, flagged him down and told him of her plight. He readily agreed to take her home and she jumped on his bicycle. After 10 minutes she couldn't believe he wasn't affected by her appearance and said, "Haven't you noticed I'm completely naked?"
"Oh yes," replied the young man, "but haven't you noticed that I'm riding a girl's bicycle?"
Two gay boys were having a terrible row.
"Fuck off," screamed the first.
"Go to hell," retorted the second.
"Kiss my arse," replied the first.
"Oh you want to make up now," smiled the second.
"Come in, Mr Flowers," said the doctor. "I've had the results of your tests and there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're a latent homosexual."
"Oh no," said the man aghast. "What's the good news?"
"Well the good news is that I find you very cute," replied the doctor.
"Paddy," asked the barmaid. "What are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"I'll tell you what those are," replied Paddy heatedly.
"They're two hand grenades and if that old queen comes up to me again and feels my balls, I'll blow his fucking fingers off."
CHAPTER 3.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE.
As a young man, Johnny set his heart on a very special girl - a dream lover. But brewery heiresses who look like Marilyn Monroe, support Stoke City and drink pints, are very few and hard to find. Eventually, he took second best and married Marjorie, a 15-stone pub cleaner. Their wedding had a Wild West theme - well, her Dad brought a shotgun with him. A blissful marriage, they still have special pet names for each other. She calls him the Lone Ranger because he's always looking in her purse for silver, and he calls her Bubbles because her mouth's always covered in froth.
BEDTIME STORIES.
She took him up to her bedroom and while he waited for her to slip into something more comfortable he noticed her room was piled high with all sorts of cuddly toys. But that was soon forgotten once they got down to it and made love. After it was over he turned to her and said smugly, "How was it for you?" "Not bad, I suppose," she replied, "you can pick anything from the bottom shelf."
"You look a bit down in the mouth mate, what's wrong?"
"T.h.e. w.e.d.d.i.n.g.'s o.f.f."
"No! what happened."
"I.f I t.a.l.k v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y I d.o.n't s.t.a.m.m.e.r.
a.n.y.m.o.r.e. S.o I w.a.s i.n t.h.e p.a.r.k w.i.t.h m.y f.i.a.n.c.e.e a.n.d w.e s.a.w a d.o.g s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.c.k. I s.a.i.d w.h.e.n w.e w.e.r.e m.a.r.r.i.e.d s.h.e c.o.u.l.d d.o t.h.a.t f.o.r m.e a.n.d s.h.e s.t.o.r.m.e.d o.f.f."
"Why did she do that?"
"B.y t.h.e t.i.m.e I'd f.i.n.i.s.h.e.d s.p.e.a.k.i.n.g t.h.e d.o.g w.a.s l.i.c.k.i.n.g h.i.s b.a.l.l.s."
The two young lovers are in the back of the car parked in a quiet country lane.
"Julie," asks the man, "how about giving me some oral sex?"
"Oh no," she replies forcefully, "if I do that you'll never respect me again."
A year goes by and during that time he asks her for oral sex on a number of occasions but she always refuses. Eventually they get married and on the honeymoon night he asks her again for oral sex but she replies, "No, I know you'll never respect me again." Many years go by and the couple are now in their fifties. One day in bed the man turns to his wife and says, "Julie, after all these years of happily married life, a beautiful house, big car and two successful children, do you think we could have some oral sex? You know I will always respect you."
So at last the wife gives in and sometime later as they're relaxing in bed, the front doorbell chimes. He turns to her and says, "Hey cocksucker, answer that."
Always good for a chat up line, Johnny said to the girl, "Hello there sweetheart, fancy a bit of sex?"
"Definitely not," she retorted.
"Well, do you mind lying down while I do?" he replied.
Two girls boasting about their boyfriends.
"Jack's unbelievable," said the first girl. "He walks right up to me and puts it straight in."
"That's nothing," said the second girl.
"Bob puts it in and then walks straight up to me!"
A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches.
"Why don't you get up there and give her one," asked a fellow cat walking by.
"Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a hard on?."
The boastful man said to his girlfriend, "Darling, I'm going to fuck you so hard tonight you'll never forget it."
Later on in bed she turned to him and tapped him lightly on the head with a feather.
"What's that for?" he murmured.
"Well, I guess in comparative terms I'm beating you severely round the head!"
A young man met his match when he picked up a girl in a bar and took her back to his place. They were soon in bed doing the business - time and time again she called for more. After a couple of hours the poor bloke was knackered and to gain a short reprieve he said he had to go and put the car away for the night. Once inside the garage he thought he'd better inspect his poor overworked friend so he put his hand down his trousers but couldn't feel anything. In panic he pulled his trousers down and there it was all shrivelled up. He whispered gently to it, "It's all right, you can come out now, she's not here."
Did you hear about the arrogant man who was making love to his new girlfriend?
She whispered, "Please be careful, I have a weak heart."
"Nothing to worry about," he replied. "I'll be careful when I get up to the heart."