T/N: Any notes at the end of relevant paragraphs that are indicated with an asterisk * are usually my own translation notes, unless I say otherwise in square brackets [ ], and whatever’s written in square brackets are words I added on for clearer meaning. I don’t have a beta reader, so if you spotted any glaring typos or errors, feel free to point them out!
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Chapter 37: Pusysdeva's Side Story (Part 3)[T/N: As stated in the previous post, I am skipping Ch.35-36 and will only be translating part of Ch.37, near the end, as it covers the events leading up to and right after Ai Qing's departure. Note that this chapter is written in Pusysdeva's perspective.]
After thinking through, I become extremely regretful of what I did that day. I didn't know about her injuries, and my boorish actions had only served to undo all my previous efforts in gaining her affection. After we return to the State Preceptor's Residence, she starts to avoid me like the plague. It is all my fault. Just when I thought she has finally become accustomed to my touches, I went and did that… But I have no time to dwell on the topic any further as father has fallen ill. I thought to myself that I will properly apologize to her after father recovers.
But father did not make through that illness. My beloved father passes away, bringing with him all the pain and sorrow from missing my mother. I did not feel much when my mother died, but the pain of losing my father stayed with me for a long while. It is only now that I finally understand father's woes, having fallen in love at last. I should have listened to father more when he was alive, instead of doing things that made him upset. Unfortunately, he died without seeing my sincere remorse.
I propose to her, even though the past month has told me that there is no place for me in her heart. I want to give her the one thing my brother cannot. But it's too late. I cannot win, have never once won in fact. There is a hollow feeling in my chest as I listen to her admitting her love for him. Ai Qing, you taught me what [romantic] love is, but just when I have finally learned how to love, you then tell me that you have never loved me.
During the time I wait for her return from Subashi City, I think long and hard about many things. She chooses to leave because she wants him to make his aspirations come true. I am not that great of a person. I love her so I will find every way possible to make her stay. Time can change everything.
With that thought, I decide to steal her bracelet. The Han has a legend about a celestial fairy who descended to the earth one day and had her clothes stolen by a mortal man as she was bathing in a lake. Without her clothes, she could not return to the heavens, and so she stayed with the man [not knowing he was the thief] and married him. I hope that legend is real.
[T/N: It isn't, you foolish boy. And even if it is a real story, a relationship based on lies can never last. Just ask the Han on the ending to that story.]
As it turns out, she really cannot return to the heavens without that bracelet. I then arrange for her to come with me to see the Tagan fort. Unfortunately, she gets injured once again. I cry when the physician announces that her arm has become too infected and amputation will be necessary if she wants to preserve her life. This is no doubt the punishment for going against the heavens and trying to force a celestial being to stay here. But why did the punishment fall on her and not on me? I am willing to give up my arm for her. I cannot bear to see her suffering like this.
I have given it a lot of thought before deciding to send someone to find him. When I saw her looking at those sketches, I knew I have totally lost. I have lost since ten years ago. If that's the case, I might as well fulfill her wishes. All that matters is easing her suffering…
Unfortunately, we are unable to stall for any more time. Her injuries can only be healed by returning to the heavens. I give her back the bracelet and assist her in putting on that strange outfit, and then help her gather all her belongings into that unfathomably deep bag. From now on, with the heaven and earth separating us, I will never be able to see her again. I will never be able to find that warmth and sincerity in anyone else.
But I must let go, for this celestial being has never belonged to me. I leave one final mark on her forehead as a goodbye and gaze at her one last time while standing at the doors. One day up there equals ten years down here. This time, I must not forget how she looks like. By the time she returns, I might become an old man with grey hair, toothless and hazy-eyed, but I hope she would still recognize me then.
I close the doors and step back into the courtyard. I lift my head up and gaze at the sky, where she will soon return to. With tears streaming down my face, I tell myself, I must live well, because I am no longer a child anymore.
The outer gates suddenly burst open. He stumbles through, his face deathly pale. One look at my face is enough to have him rushing forward to her room. I try to hold him back with all my might, recalling her words about how no one must look directly at the light that emits when she leaves.
Unable to overcome my strength, there is nothing else he can do except crying out her name at the doors. It's a kind of wail that resembles a piercing scream, one that is filled with so much helplessness and despair that even I am shocked by its intensity. In that moment, I realize there is no point in being jealous of him. He is just like me. Just another poor soul who is unable to actualize his love.
When we step into the room afterwards, I have a sudden panicking thought: Did she really exist? Or was she merely an illusion in my heart? The Buddha says that all things are empty of intrinsic existence and nature…what about her?
His hands tremble as he picks up the drawings on the table. There is blood on them, which has dried into dark crimson, but even still they cannot cover her bright pure smile. He collapses onto the bed and drops his head on top of the drawings, his shoulders clearly shaking. I leave the room in silence, look up at the sky and take a deep breath, then set off searching for my uncle Bai Zhen. I must live well until she returns.
He ends up meditating in her room for three days straight. I instruct the servants to bring him food every day but leave him undisturbed otherwise. Whenever people from the palace or the temple come looking for him, I make up excuses that he is ill and needs to rest. I am now the head of the family, so I must look after everything and everyone in the household, and that includes him.
He finally emerges from the room three days after, looking much more frail than usual, but his eyes are still as clear as ever. The two of them, despite the difference in eye colours, both share the same aura and purity in their gaze. I may not lose to him when it comes to appearances, but I can never possess that kind of clarity in my gaze, the kind that only people with pure souls like him can have.
I have thought that such an incident would cause him to fall off-path, that it would prove to be too much of a blow and he would no longer be able to follow the way of the Buddha. But it is not until some time later, when I go to the Cakuri Monastery to visit him, that I realize he is still the same as ever, still promoting Mahayana as fervent as ever before, if not even more so now.
When it is just the two of us, I look at his calm face and say quietly: "You seem to have recovered your spirits."
He returns my gaze and replies in an even tone: "Ten years is nothing but a number. If I keep myself busy by continuing to spread the way of the Buddha, ten years will pass in the blink of an eye."
"What if she doesn't return after ten years?"
"Then I will go the Central Plains. Even without the purpose of looking for her, I still need to go there and help liberate the people from their suffering. The teachings of the Buddha cannot just stop at Kucha."
Seeing the determined look in his eyes, I feel convinced that ten years will pass as quickly as he says. When he moves his arm, the sleeves get pulled up and reveal the faded prayer beads he still wears on his wrist. Does he plan on keeping them there for another ten years? If I was him, I definitely would not be able to live like this, forever waiting with dying hopes. Compared to him, I feel as though I have never truly learned what it means to love. I am nothing but an outsider to their relationship.
All of a sudden, he asks me: "Why did you clash with the king and make him so angry that he took away your post as a royal guard?"
The day I took my brothers [fellow royal guards] and Ai Qing to the Tagan Fort, it was actually my turn to take watch at the palace. Upon my return, I was only worried about her declining health and did not even go to the palace even once. The king summoned me numerous times but I paid no heed. It is only after she left that I finally turn up at the palace and take all the blame on behalf of my brothers.
"He only did that as a revenge, because he thinks I have been playing with his women." A corner of my mouth turns up at that. "Now that our father and mother are no longer around, he has nothing to fear."
"I will go and persuade him."
"No need!" I swing my hand as I stand up. "I have grown tired of being a soldier anyway."
"Then from now on-"
"Who knows, perhaps I am more suited to being in the trades."
I step out of the Cakuri Monastery. Winter has arrived and the wind is biting cold. Looking at the grey sky ahead, I take a deep breath. Right now, you must be up in the heavens. Has your arm healed yet? Do you ever think of me?
I lift up the collar of my woolen robes, climb inside the carriage and tell the coach:
"To my uncle's residence!"
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Chapter 38: Carnival of oneI watch in silence as the scenery zooms by the train's windows. It's already January, and winter is at its full height. The leaves are brittle and the trees are nothing but dried husks—the entirety of which forms a picture as bleak as my soul at this moment.
A cup of steaming green tea is put down in front of my eyes. I take it with my hands and while muttering a quick thanks.
My 'boss'* sits down next to me and lets out a long sigh.
* [T/N: If you recall, her 'boss' is not her employer, but the head of history department and advisor to the time-travel project.]
"Stop thinking about it. After you go back, just hit the books and study well. Your graduation is in July, better start thinking about finding a job soon."
I make a noncommittal sound in reply and wrap my hands around the cup for warmth, my eyes never leaving the windows.
I was bedridden for three months after I returned [to this era]. The doctors said it was fortunate I managed to return in time, else I would have not been able to salvage my arm. The two giant Northface backpacks I wore on my back had eased the impact of my fall, so my arm did not have to suffer any further damage. The doctors had to perform surgery to cut off the rotten part of my arm, which helped stimulate the growth of new tissue. Even after all of that, my arm is no longer as flexible as it was before. Perhaps this is the price one pays for changing history?
I submitted a detailed report on my physical condition to the researchers, who then ordered for a full-body examination, after which they concluded that the amount of radiation poisoning in my body after four time-travel trips has reached unacceptable levels. I am no longer fit to continue on with the project. I had tried to persuade them to allow me to cross one last time. But I could not even cross the barrier that is my boss, let alone the researchers. Boss said I have to recuperate, takes my medicines regularly to excrete the radiation poisoning from my body. I am still young, and boss doesn't want me to have to deal with health complications later on.
Guilt continues to plague my boss. I heard he had some intense arguments with the research team upon my return, after which he decided to withdraw from the project. He told me to abandon all thoughts about this time-travel nonsense from now on, because our university had already cut all ties with the project, and that as soon as my health stabilizes, he will bring me back to school. Naturally, I received a 'bonus salary' for all my troubles, enough to cover the bare minimums for several years even if I don't work. Once the bank book made it to my hands, however, I felt nothing but bitterness.
Return to school? How long has it been since I was last on campus? I have missed so many classes, will I be able to catch up? Boss tried to comfort me, saying he will help me with my studies.
Those heavy backpacks I brought back were of monumental value. My notes and the ancient books I copied [by hand] will need further study, and I am to help the experts with this. I had turned over almost everything, only keeping the Atlas silk scarf Rajiva gifted me, the handkerchiefs he put in my cabinet for me to carry when I'm out, and the lion jade pendant Pusysdeva gave me.
Is this how my time-travel 'career' will end? Ever since I started my post-graduate program, I had rarely attended classes, and instead devoted most of my time to this time-travel project. At 22 I started to prepare for the experiment, at 23 I crossed successfully, and at 24 I returned full of injuries. The past two years, have I only been living a dream? If not for the Atlas silk scarf and the jade pendant hung around my neck, I would not be able to believe that I had actually breathed, lived and loved in an era 1,650 years ago… If I were to compare it to Zhuang Zi's dream, am I Zhuang Zi who dreamed he was a butterfly, or the butterfly who dreamed it was Zhuang Zi? *
[T/N: refer to Ch.6 for further explanation of Zhuang Zi's dream.]
My return to school proves to be quite the sensation. My teachers, classmates and friends, all of whom I haven't seen for a long while, all turn wide-eyed when I show up. That evening, my friends take me out for a small celebration at a karaoke place. We party and sing to our heart's content until I realize with a jolt that it's already 2AM. 2AM? I haven't gone to bed past 10PM in a long time.
It takes me quite some time to adjust back to reality. A great many things surprise me these days.
It's as if I am Chang'e1 returning to earth for the first time, only to find out that everything she knew has changed. The economy is being gripped by inflation. The price of a steamed bun in our school's cafeteria has increased tenfold as a result. The stock market that used to be the playground for the elites only has now turned into a prison for all. Gas prices have gone up, which explain why the teachers have begun to use buses to get to work, with some even going so far as to use their BMW Motorrad's. The most popular thing amongst students nowadays is the film "Lust, Caution"2, while the hottest trending topic is how the government might abolish May 1st [holiday]3 next year.
1 Change'e, originally known as Heng'e, is the Chinese goddess of the Moon and a subject of several Chinese legends, one of which is the origin behind Mid-Autumn Festival (8th full moon of the Lunar Calendar).
2 A 2007 erotic espionage film directed by Ang Lee, based on a novella of the same name published in 1979 by Eileen Chang.
3 International Workers' Day, aka Labour Day or Workers' Day, is a public holiday in many countries. In China prior to 2008, it was a three-day holiday, but is now only one day.
[T/N: Remember, FBFY was published in 2007, so it makes sense that Xiao Chun used events relevant to China during that time period.]
Pretty much everyone I know in the girls' dormitories has a boyfriend now. The moment the sun sets, they would all put on makeup and rush outside together. I'm usually the only left in the dorms during the weekend. The rest of them only return the morning after with a big smile on their faces.
They all feel sorry for me, saying that had I not disappeared for so long, I would have had a boyfriend by now, and how unfortunate it is that the boys in our class who once expressed interest in me couldn't wait [for my return]. I reply back in a teasing tone, telling them that if I didn't leave, how else would they be able to snag these boys otherwise?
When I go shopping with the girls, they all say that I'm too old-fashioned and don't know how to follow the trends. It's not that I'm old-fashioned. The world is just changing too fast. There are times where I miss that world dearly—a world without pollution, without city noises, where life is simple, evenly-paced, where the sky is a vivid blue, the grapes and melons are refreshing and sweet. I miss that world. Miss most the people there, their bright smiles and pure hearts.
Sometimes when I walk the streets, I would suddenly pause, feeling as though I've just caught a glimpse of a tall thin lonely silhouette amongst the crowds of people. I would chase after that person, only to realize it's someone I don't know. Sometimes, a low sweet voice would travel past my ears, and I would look around frantically to no avail every time, lips full of apologies to people for bothering them. Other times, I wander aimlessly, my eyes scanning everywhere and nowhere, before I collapse onto the sidewalk and burst into tears, ignoring the surprised looks other people give me. The modern human has evolved to the point where their spine is sturdy and strong no matter the situation. Once I've cried enough, I would just wipe my eyes and continue on. No one has ever stopped to ask me what's wrong at the sight of my tears.
Turns out loneliness is not innate, but something born the moment you fall in love with someone.
A leaf is a wing that can never fly
And a wing is a leaf that fell from heaven
Heaven should not be a fantasy
But I have long forgotten
How I managed to fly in the first place
Loneliness is a carnival of one
And a carnival is a gathering of the lonely
To love is to keep someone company
Except I've started to forget
How it feels like to be in your company
I eat, travel, and walk around all my own
I also read, write letters, and carry conversations by myself
But my heart seems to have wandered off
To somewhere far beyond my eyesight
It looks like you’re not the only thing that I lost
*Lyrics to "Leaf" (Ye Zi) 葉子 sung by Ah Sang 阿桑 (OST of The Rose, a Taiwanese drama). Click here to listen [highly recommended].
I've listened to this song "Leaf" so many times in the lonely nights. "But my heart seems to have wandered off to somewhere far beyond my eyesight. It looks like you’re not the only thing that I lost," every time I hear this part of the song, I cannot help but cry. I can still feel the warmth of his lips on mine, but we have lost each other. What have I lost? Is it just love? No, I've lost my entire heart…
I go home for [Lunar] New Year's during my winter break. Seeing the scar on my arm, my mom tuts in worry, but I quickly assure her by saying that it was due to a fall. After the New Year's festivities are over, like usual, my parents celebrate my 25th birthday on the 10th day [Lunar], where I blow out candles and eat cake. The creamy taste of buttercream makes me suddenly recall Rajiva's sketches. Right now, is he drawing me, I wonder? …No, no, there is no 'right now'. Everything about him belongs to the past.
Once winter break is over, I return to school, but there are no classes. Everyone is busy with job-hunting. It is not easy for those in my major to find jobs after graduation. Staying at the university to become a professor, joining archaeological institutes or museums…these jobs don't make a lot of money. Many of friends become too impatient so they end up becoming secretaries or salespersons at some company. The topic of our 'future' is the most widely discussed topic at social gatherings, a subject I have no interest in joining.
The articles I wrote on the Kizil Caves have become quite the sensation in the academic world, a topic of controversy for some even. My 'boss' tries to persuade me to remain at the university and pursue a PhD while teaching. I do not give him an answer right away as I still want to experience a life where "I eat, travel, and walk around all my own", where "I also read, write letters, and carry conversations by myself".
Time passes by slowly. Sometimes when I'm bored, I would go on online and read novels about time-travel, except I would only read ones that are funny. Ones like 'x and x time-jumps in reverse', 'When x meets ancient people', 'I am x's great-grandmother', etc. I am always a laughing mess after reading these novels. I sincerely wish all the best to these time-travelling heroines; they are much luckier than I am! I have learned the art of forgetting just like that.
Once April comes, I immediately set off on a backpacking trip. I do not dare to go to Xinjiang because I know I would not able to resist visiting Kucha while I'm there. My state of mind upon seeing those ruins 1,650 years later will not be the same calm detached feeling I had when I went there for research. Still the same space, but separated by 1,650 years in time. Loving each other but unable to stay together…I will go insane drowning in these thoughts. In the end, I choose to go to Tibet, a place where I can purify my soul.
I enter Tibet by following the southern route of the Sichuan-Tibet Highway1 [see above], which starts at Chengdu, passing by Ya'an, Kangding, and when we reach Litang, I cannot help but recall the 6th Dalai Lama of Tibet - Tsangyang Gyatso. It is thanks to these lines of his, "White crane, lend me your wings. / I'll not fly far away. / Once round Litang,/ and I'll be back."2, that make the scenery of Litang all the more poetic and mesmerizing. Just by looking at the beautiful Niege Peak and the endless Maoya Grasslands situated some 4,000m above the sea, the vastness of it all will make all your worries disappear.
1 known as one of the world's most dangerous, highest and most punishing roads due to frequent landslides, rock avalanches, high winds, etc (source: ). The northern route is 2320km [1442mi] long and the southern route is 2140km [1330mi]. Both routes start at Chendung, which is 500m in altitude, passing through Kangding at 2,560m, to Xinduqiao Bridge at 3,460m above sea level (source: ). It can take up two weeks to complete this road. Despite the dangers, many still take this Highway due to the breathtaking scenery it provides along the way.
2 English translation by from University of Washington
When passing by Markam, Bomi, Bayi, you can literally just press the shutter button on your camera at any time and be able to capture a beautiful photo. The scenery is so bountiful and vast it takes your breath away. As soon as glimpses of the Potala Palace come into view, I know I have arrived at the scared land - Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.
On the way, I have met and befriended many young people. We travel together along many sections [of the highway] and follow the system of splitting by headcount extremely well. If at any point people break up to go separate ways, the remaining will just simply join a new group to make up for the lost numbers. We may be youngsters, but due to our passion for travelling, everyone is rather knowledgeable about many things, so there's much to talk about along the way. It is also not unusual for people to pair up in these kinds of trips. There is one night where the girl who shares a room with me does not return until the morning. However, this kind of romance on the road comes quickly and also leaves quickly; rarely do people keep contact afterwards.
One night, I go with the group of friends I just befriended at a youth hostel in Lhasa to a bar on Beijing E Rd. After a few rounds of drinking, we decide to play the game 'Truth or Dare'. I was quite enthusiastic in the beginning, but after seeing that all the 'Truth' questions have to do with sex and the 'Dares' are mostly ones involving kissing, I begin to lose interest [in the game].
When it is my turn to answer a 'truth' question, a young Beijing man asks me: "When was your 'first time', where did it happen and how did it feel?"
I sigh before answering haltingly: "I haven't."
There's a round of laughter. Quite a few men are looking me like they want to undress me with their eyes. One even jokes that he can 'help' me.
I almost bolts out of the bar right then. I don't understand what the young people are thinking these days. Apparently people my age who are still virgins are considered some alien species. Nowadays, the trend is to treat love and sex like fast-food: eat quickly, wipe your mouth, and move on to the next meal even if you haven't finished chewing. The me who seeks a 'pure' love wonders if men who hesitate a long while before asking 'can I?' when he wants to kiss me still exist. Or perhaps in this 21st century, this kind of love has become an endangered species?
I decide to stop joining these social gatherings at bars. That level of noise and debauchery, is it not simply a carnival of the lonely? If that's the case, then I will choose to be alone and to find joy in my own company.
Wandering aimlessly along the streets of Lhasa during the night, and you can see how clear the night sky is, where stars twinkle so brightly overhead they feel almost within reach. There are very few cities left where you can observe the stars this clearly. I cannot help but recall the mesmerizing night sky I once saw in that ancient kingdom, situated next to an oasis in the desert.
I observe the Tibetan Buddhists and pray along with them before the statues in the Jokhang Temple, in the Potala Palace, and in the Drepung Monastery. Every time the conch is sounded, I would get surprised and my body would tremble. In that moment, I feel as though my soul has been transported to another place in another sky. After observing about a hundred temple ceremonies, after much kowtowing, I finally realize that no matter how far I run, I can never escape the lovesickness that has taken roots in the very depths of my heart.
[Order of photos: Top left – Drepung Monastery, Top right – Jokhang Temple, Bottom – Potala Palace]
Drepung Monastery Jokhang Temple Potala PalaceWhen I return to school, I get approached by someone who's also in my program but is a year above me. He is currently working at an archaeological institute. It takes him a long moment before he is able to confess his feelings for me…to which I immediately accept. His flushing face reminds me of a certain someone…
I do not want to make up any excuses, like saying I cannot bear this feeling of loneliness any longer, or that I miss that person too much. The reason why I accept that upperclassman's confession is simple: He is a man from my reality and I, in the end, must live in this reality…
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Ramblings: Ugh, so much angst and melancholy. Makes translator me rather down-heartened at times, as if I don’t already have enough sadness in my head to deal with. I do rather love the imagery of the lyrics to Leaf, “Loneliness is a carnival of one. / And a carnival is a gathering of the lonely“, though, even if it was a struggle to translate. Songs and poems are worst to translate. After that is names of places. Also note to self: add Tibet to places I must visit before I die. That said, not sure I want to use this Sichuan-Tibet Highway route. Don’t know if beauty is worth the danger of possibly dying while en route.
Anddd we’re done with Part II, phew. Part III is next, which is probably the part I dread the most, because it’s gonna be so painful to translate. My heart already hurts at the very thought. That said, erm ratings will also go up [spoilers?], so be prepared.
I do hope to see y’all again soon, but it’s going to be busy for me in the next couple months as I am moving, so… Hopefully I’d be able to churn out a chapter or two before my house becomes an official living mess :p