Liu Bei POV
“I was naive and ambitious back then and thought that I could save the world by being a hero and punishing criminals. So when a thug committed a crime in my hometown, I executed him.” Yuan Zhi explained.
“What’s wrong with dispatching a criminal quickly?”
Yuan Zhi shook her head and smiled bitterly. “Yes, I too thought the same back then.” Yuan Zhi looked away and continued, “But murder is against the law and I was forced to flee my home for many months. After I returned,I found that many of my friends and even family were punished by the magistrate and sentenced to hard labour in the border.”
“Eh?”
“The lightest sentence anyone got was paddling and when I returned every one of them cursed and swore at me.
— You bastard! How dare you show your face here! We were all screwed by you!
— Not only did you not help the village, you even got all of us in on your misery! How are you going to be responsible for all this! How will you answer to the parents of those sent to hard labour! Do you even have any idea how old they are already?!
Yuan Zhi did not elaborate on what they said but I could guess what happened back then. It was not fair to Yuan Zhi but their actions were understandable. I frowned and tried to think of a way to console her but try as I might, I could not pinpoint any individual at fault here.
“For the sake of honour, I committed murder and brought harm to my family and friends and ended up being hated. I am at fault for this.” Yuan Zhi said as she picked up the bandana she set on the table and caressed it, “I have the ability to kill yet I do not have the ability to protect the people important to me. In the end, I even lost my father who died from overwork in the labour camps…”
Yuan Zhi chuckled self-deprecatingly when she finished and put on her bandana.
“In the end, that’s the best I can do.” She said after putting on the bandana, her voice sounding more colder than before, “If that’s the case, then it would be better if I did not have any power at all. Having as much power as I do now will only result in me doing the wrong things.”
“Yuan Zhi, you can’t say–”
“What happened this time is proof of that.” She interrupted me when I tried to refute her, “During the second battle, I couldn’t do anything. Even though I noticed what the enemy did, I still had no idea what to do in response.”
Yuan Zhi’s voice was firm and it was clear that her eyebrows were raised behind the bandana. When she finished, she paused and sank into silence as she lowered her head.
“Sorry, even though it’s my problem, I’m being like this…”
“No…” I did not know what to say and merely withdrew my body and leaned back as I pondered over what she just said.
“In any case, what I’m saying is that I am simply not good enough. At the end of the day, I still needed to rely on the knowledge of others to win the first battle.” Yuan Zhi said as she sat upright and closed her eyes, “I can’t turn things around now just by relying on my own strength. In fact, I might even bring doom to everyone. No, I have already doomed everyone from the second battle.”
“You can’t…”
“Even though I was not capable enough, I still came here and now look what happened.” Yuan Zhi interrupted me yet again. The corners of her lips were curled upwards as though she were laughing at herself on my behalf, “Instead of doing something, it’s better if I did nothing. At the very least, I won’t do the wrong thing.”
The air seemed to freeze over as Yuan Zhi poured her heart out. When she finished, she picked up the bowl of sugar water and took a small sip.
I clearly… Cannot do anything…
This was the message I got as I looked at Yuan Zhi’s expression as she drank her sugar water like a down-and-out drunkard who is trying to drink to forget. The aura of a martial hero was still there but disappeared after she put on her bandana.
As I looked at Yuan Zhi, I could feel an urge to say something but I could not think of anything good to say. Even if I did force myself to say anything, it would not be anything new that could convince her anyway.
Rationally speaking, it is clear that Yuan Zhi has completely given up on herself. As a feudal lord, I should not be wasting any more time on her and should be heeding advice from Zi Long and the rest, and lead my troops out of Xinye city and wait for the next opportunity.
That is what I should do.
Alright, if you have decided already, then stand up. Stand up, you who has been Liu Bei for a year now.
“I too was once the same as you.”
But no matter how rational my mind was, my mouth still opened up on its own accord.
“Eh?” Yuan Zhi seemed very surprised at why I was still speaking and uttered a single syllable in surprise as her hands which held her bowl froze in mid-air.
“Yuan Zhi, did you know? When I first started out, I was even worse than you. I didn’t know anything, not even how to ride a horse or even how to write. I really was a good-for-nothing back then.” I said as I looked at Yuan Zhi, “However, I kept learning and practicing. Though I haven’t been putting in everything I got, I have learnt much since then.”
When I finished, Yuan Zhi seemed to be at a loss as to what to do and was not sure where I was getting at and merely lowered her head and sank into silence.
I saw a shadow of my former self in Yuan Zhi. But she is undoubtedly better than I was, be it her abilities or her luck. At the very least, she had someone to tell her how history should go. I had to feel about in the dark on my own.
“So do you still think that you’re good-for-nothing?”
“Yes.” Yuan Zhi said and nodded firmly.
“Yet Zi Long has told me that your swordsmanship is superb.”
“No… It’s just alright.” Yuan Zhi said as she turned away.
Just alright? It’s at the level where she could save Huang Zu and escape from tens of thousand of troops, cross swords with Zi Long without breaking a sweat and stop Zhou Cang in an instant.
Yet it was clear that Yuan Zhi was not being modest and she was indeed unimpressed in the least by her swordsmanship. And so, I grabbed her hand.
“Ah…” Yuan Zhi uttered a small cry in surprise as the bowl in her hands fell to the ground. All this is of no importance to me and I ignored her as I flipped her hand over and looked at her palm which was covered in hardened calluses that was unbefitting of a young girl’s palm.
Yes, this is why she thinks she is just alright.
“Yet why did you train so hard anyway?” I said as I looked at the calluses and then at a now timid Yuan Zhi, “Even though you think your abilities are insufficient, to the point where you act like you have completely given up on yourself; even though you are afraid of doing anything for fear of doing something wrong, why have you continued to practice your swordsmanship so fervently?”
“Wu…”
I heaved a sigh of relief at seeing her wince. To be honest, I have no idea why she has calluses on her hands. They could be a result from tilling the land as a villager for all I know. I just felt that it was strange that someone who did not want to do anything anymore would have such good swordsmanship. This is also a guess of mine, but she probably studies very hard as well. I suspected this ever since I saw many bamboo scrolls in her bags on the way to Xinye.
“You clearly aren’t the person you say you are.” I began to get agitated and grabbed her hands, “You say that it’s all for naught but haven’t you continued to work hard nonetheless?!”
“…” Yuan Zhi wordlessly wrenched her hands out of my grip and looked way. Well, if she is not going to talk, then I will.
“Yuan Zhi, you’re being too harsh on yourself.” I said more slowly and calmly this time, “But in reality, even though you continue to deny yourself, you hope that you can accomplish something that you can be proud of.”
“…” Yuan Zhi remained silent for a moment before she nodded, “Yes but I can’t do anything right.”
“Perfection doesn’t exist. Look at Huang Zhu, did you not save her with your own strength?” I said, thinking back to Huang Zu’s happy smile when she explained to me what had happened when we first met again after Jiangxia, “I don’t know what went on exactly but you saved her from tens of thousands of enemy troops.”
“Wu…” She winced again when I finished and frowned, “But that doesn’t prove anything.”
“Then let me ask you, was saving Huang Zu written in the things you needed to do?”
“No…”
I thought so.
Ha~ Hu… I sighed and took a deep breath before I continued.
“You might think that killing that miscreant back then was a mistake. Let me ask you this then,” I paused for a moment, “Do you think that saving Huang Zu was also a mistake?”
“Eh?” Yuan Zhi was stunned by what I said and then sank into thought.
Huang Zu should have died in the Battle of Jiangxia according to history. Yet Yuan Zhi saved her according to her own will and using her own power.
Yuan Zhi began to look troubled. I, of course, know what she’s being troubled over. She is unsure if she should rely on the crutch of history or her own powers. If she chooses to rely on external help, that would be the same as denying herself.
“I…” Yuan Zhi opened her mouth and began to speak but she closed her mouth again. She looked at me, and then lowered her head before shaking her head ever so slightly. Of it were not for her fringe that shook, I would not have realised that she was shaking her head.
As expected huh?