Renee had no answer. Only a slight flinching look on her face. Then snapping out of their conversation, she shouted to all the girls, "Let's go! We're supposed to be on the floor at three-thirty exactly. That's right now!"
With a few last glances into the mirror, the girls lined up and filed as calmly as possible into the gym. Mrs. James handed each of them a small numbered paper circle to pin on the front of their uniforms and pointed to the eight chairs before them, each with corresponding numbers.
As Christy found her chair, number four, she took a quick survey of the partially filled bleachers. In an instant, she spotted her mom. She flashed her mother a forced, nervous smile. It was nice of her to come. Christy hadn't expected it. It meant her mom was taking time off work to be here for her. That knowledge made Christy feel special.
Still smiling, trying to look energetic and confident, Christy scanned the row of judges. None of them smiled back.
"Number one," a judge called, and the first contestant stood.
Wouldn't you know it would be Renee? Christy thought.
When the signal was given, Renee rallied out to the center of the gym, giving it all she had. She was good. On the outside she had exactly what it took to be a great cheerleader.
Number two was called, and Christy felt her stomach doing cartwheels. What if I forget everything? What if I fall flat on my face? What if- Her thoughts were interrupted by a tap on her shoulder. Someone she didn't know handed her a slip of paper and then hurried away. She glanced down at the note: "Go for it, Killer. I'm with you all the way."
Rick?
She looked around but didn't see him. She had managed to avoid contact with him all week and wasn't sure that even if she did spot him at this moment, she would want to make eye contact.
What does this mean? That he's not mad about the prom anymore?
The judge called, "Number three," and Christy thought, Actually, he has been supportive of me all through this cheerleading thing. We did agree to be friends no matter what. He must understand about my parents' rules and everything. I feel so relieved!
It was a good thing she felt so relieved, because suddenly number four was called. With gusto and a bright enthusiasm that made her stand out from the others, Christy rushed to the center of the floor.
Stand back, watch out.
You're up against the best.
Cougars, uh-huh, a step above the rest!
You 'd better back off.
We're hot on your trail.
The KHS Cougars will never fail!
Breathing hard and shivering with excitement, Christy jogged back to her seat. She felt like every nerve inside her was quivering. I did it! I did it!
It took every bit of composure to settle calmly into her seat and stay there. She had done her best. She was cheer-leading material. After that performance, there couldn't be any doubt from anyone. Not from her own opinion of herself. Not from Rick. Not even from Renee. She'd proved herself to all of them, just as she'd planned.
Christy scanned the bleacher rows for Rick. Her mom caught her eye and waved, offering Christy a big smile. After returning the smile, Christy kept searching for Rick.
Where is he?
Leaning back slightly in her chair, she tried to see if he was behind her. Instead, her gaze met Teri's. What an energetic, encouraging smile!
Teri mouthed the word perfect, and Christy felt showered with the warmth of her friend's praise.
Teri really knows how to show people that she loves them. I'd like to be more like that.
Christy gave up trying to find Rick. She focused her concentration on numbers five and six. Inwardly, she began to cheer for Teri. Come on, Teri. I know you can do it.
The next two girls did very well, and then came one of Renee's friends. Christy didn't think much of her routine, but then she didn't think much of the girl either. Only one eight-count into the cheer, the girl messed up and had to ask the judges if she could start over.
Christy tried to feel sympathy for Renee's friend, but she actually felt glad to see her lose points. That gave Teri an advantage, and she needed it. Poor Teri had number eight, the worst slot to have, the last contestant.
At last number eight was called, and Teri sprang onto the floor.
Come on, Teri!
Christy knew Teri would be the best of all of them. Not just because she knew the routine so well, but because Christy had seen how Teri stood up to Renee and wasn't afraid to tell people about her relationship with God. Of course God would let Teri become a cheerleader-especially since she didn't make it last year. She'd be the vibrant living testimony Christy had once thought she could be for their whole school.
Teri did a toe touch, something she did better than anyone else. But somehow she came down off balance and fell awkwardly. She sprawled on the gym floor as the spectators gasped. Managing to pull herself up, she finished the routine as best she could, but it turned out weak and sloppy and minus two important jumps. Not Teri's usual style at all.
The observers clapped the loudest for Teri as she awkwardly hobbled back to her chair. Christy could see tears streaming down her cheeks. With dignity, Teri lowered herself to her chair and waited with the others, even though it was obvious that she was in pain.
Christy wanted to rush over and do something. The adviser quietly spoke to Teri and handed her a bag of ice, which Teri calmly placed against her ankle and waited for the next part of the tryouts.
The judges finished their scoring and then called the contestants back out to the center of the gym floor. The final part of tryouts was the easiest. The girls had to perform a short cheer together so the judges could see how they worked as a squad.
Springing from their seats, clapping, cheering, their skirts swishing, the girls rushed into formation. Christy ran with the others, clapping and smiling. That's when she noticed that Teri was missing. She hadn't come out on the floor with them.
Christy glanced over at Teri, sitting alone holding the ice on her ankle, the tears still glistening on her cheeks.
That was it. The decision had been made. They all knew it. Since Teri didn't compete in this event, she wouldn't qualify, and the seven girls who now stood on the gym floor would be next year's cheerleaders.
They ran back to their seats after the routine, giving each other looks of triumph, knowing the cut had been made, and it wasn't one of them. They couldn't let their assumptions be known because they'd been instructed to control their responses.
Christy wondered why the judges didn't go ahead and say something. It was an unusual year in that never before had so few tried out for the squad. Usually a dozen girls competed. The only reason Christy could imagine the judges remaining silent about the winners was that Kelley High had an old tradition that the announcement of who made the squad wasn't posted or made public to the school until at least a week after tryouts. It was the same way with other sports teams as well.
Mrs. James had once said the reason was to allow the teachers to agree on the involvement of the students in the sport or activity and make sure there was no conflict with conduct or grades. This year the big announcement would be no surprise. All the students and parents who had come to tryouts knew they were looking at the chosen seven.
Christy couldn't stop smiling. She was going to be a cheerleader! Why, oh why, didn't they break their tradition for this year only and announce the names of the winners right now? What good was it to know and be so excited when you couldn't let out a squeal of delight?
With tryouts officially over, the girls were dismissed. Noisy feet stampeded down the bleachers. Christy ran off the floor and into the locker room, looking for Teri. She found her in the coach's office, her foot covered with a large bag of ice and propped up on a chair. The tears had smeared her makeup, and Teri looked pitiful.
"You okay?" Christy asked softly, her emotions leaping every time she thought of her victory then instantly crashing when she thought of Teri. It was a terrible combination of feelings to have to endure in the same moment.
"No, but I will be." Teri's voice quivered. Then with a strength and dignity that Christy knew she never could have at such a moment, Teri said, "Congratulations, Christy! I'm so glad you made the squad."
Christy could tell that she really meant it too.
"I feel awful," Christy began.
"Don't! You should be very proud of yourself. You did a great job. The best I've ever seen you do!"
"I wouldn't have if you hadn't helped me. I hope you know that. I just feel so bad for you, Teri."
Christy's mom walked in at that moment and looked at Teri. "Are you all right, dear?"
Teri nodded.
Turning to Christy, Mom said, "Christy, I must say, I didn't even know you were my own daughter out there. You did an excellent job!"
"Thanks, Mom." Christy smiled weakly. This is what she had wanted all along: the recognition, the praise, and the affirmation from her friends and family. But hearing it in front of Teri turned the victory into a hollow pleasure. How could she enjoy her dream when the one who helped make it come true had just lost hers?
"Do you want to go home with me now, or spend some time with all your friends back in the gym?"
"I'd rather go now. Bye, Teri." Christy gave her a gentle hug. "I'll see you Monday. Take care of your foot, okay?"
Teri forced a smile. "I will. Thanks."
Christy and her mom stepped out of the office and nearly ran into a giddy, flying Renee. Even the sight of Christy didn't diminish her enthusiasm.
"Oh, hi!" she squeaked. "I guess you're officially one of us now, huh? Well, congratulations, and I'm sure you'll be a great addition to our team."
Is it because my mom's right here that she's being this sweet? Is it because of what Mrs. James has been saying all week about being a team? Or is it because the pressure is off and she knows she made the squad so there's no doubt that she'll be head cheerleader?
"Thanks," Christy returned cordially but not as sweetly. "And congratulations to you too, Renee."
Her face looked bright and zingy as she cheerfully retorted, "Was there any doubt that I'd make it?"
Christy excused herself so she could change out of the uniform and leave with her mom before Renee decided to continue gushing all over them.
"Let's stop and get some ice cream to celebrate," Mom suggested on the way home. "Your dad will be so proud of you. I wish he could have seen you. Why, Christy, I never would have guessed that you had this side of you! You were very, very good out there."
Christy should have been excited and ready to celebrate, but inside she felt dismal and small. You'd be surprised, Mom, how much you don't know about the real me. Nobody does. Except maybe God. But what kind of a God would let Teri hurt her foot knowing how much I need her to be on the squad with me?
Heavy questions weighed Christy down all weekend. On the outside, she responded the way everyone wanted her to: happy and excited and proud that she had made the squad. Aunt Marti and Uncle Bob even called Friday night and promised to come see her at as many games as they could. Marti insisted on paying for Christy's entire outfit, no matter how much it cost. That relief of the financial pressure alone should have sent Christy's emotions soaring. However, on the inside she had never felt so lonely.
Saturday night, prom night, Christy talked her mom into renting a movie, and the two of them sat on the couch watching The Man from Snowy River. Mom cried during some parts; Christy cried all the way through. The piano music that Jessica, the girl in the movie, played when she brooded over her boyfriend haunted Christy.
She couldn't fall asleep that night. I wonder if Katie is having the time of her life? I wonder if the dress she borrowed worked out okay? Who did Rick go with? Did he think of me at all? Why didn't he call me after he sent that note to me at tryouts? Was he even there? I never saw him. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
Then because she couldn't help her thoughts from taking her to the next turn in the winding path of her remorse, Christy wondered about Todd. He's probably not thinking of me at all now that he has Jasmine. I wonder if he's going to kiss her tonight. Has he kissed her before? The kisses he's given me can't be all that special if he's also kissing other girls.
Then a sharp, painful realization hit Christy deep in her heart. I've kissed another guy. I've kissed Rick. Todd doesn't know. If he did, would he think the times I kissed him were less special? I wish I'd never kissed Rick, or more accurately, I wish I'd never let Rick kiss me. And I wish I'd never kissed Todd. I wish I'd never kissed either of them!
Christy felt tears coming to her eyes in the darkness of her bedroom and in the darkness of her heart. No, I don't mean that. I don't wish I'd never kissed Todd. I only wish it didn't hurt so much now. I wish I didn't care about him so much. I have to stop these feelings from growing. Bury them even deeper. It won't hurt so much if I don't care so much. Come on. I managed to hide my frustration with Renee. I can hide these feelings too.
Christy was exhausted by Sunday morning, having wrestled all night with herself. She turned especially moody when she arrived at the toddler class and found out Katie wasn't there.
Christy couldn't believe how heavily this sadness hung on her shoulders. It didn't matter one bit that she had made the cheerleading squad. She still felt empty and all alone. And that bothered her. Christy assumed that once she became a cheerleader, all those stressful feelings would go away and she would feel good and satisfied and energetic all the time.
Not so.
And she couldn't bury all her feelings about Todd. Nor could she hide the depression she felt over the fact that Katie went to the prom without her. She felt melancholy as she passed out Play-Doh to the toddlers.
"Here you go." She handed Ashley a lump of the dough.
"Make something fo' me, Cwissy," Ashley said, her blue button eyes looking up expectantly.
"Okay." Christy pulled up a low chair next to Ashley. "What do you want me to make?"
"I dunno."
"Here," Christy quickly rolled out a long line, then held it up for Ashley. "It's a snake!"
"Eeeee!" Ashley squealed. "I don't want a snake."
"Look, Teacher," one boy said. "I made a snake too." He dangled it in front of Ashley, and she appropriately squealed again.
"Okay, okay." Christy squashed the green gushy stuff in the palm of her hand so that it squeezed out through her fingers. "We can make anything you want, Ashley. Here, you squash some too."
A waterfall of thoughts cascaded through Christy's mind as she pressed the warmed clay into her hand. She had told Rick once that he made her feel like Play-Doh. Was he, like Katie said, still interested in trying to make her into what he wanted her to be, like a pliable plaything?
And then another Todd thought crashed over the rocky places of her mind: "Soft hearts are the only kind of hearts that God can hold in His hand and mold."
"Story time!" the teacher called, and some of the children scrambled over to the rug while a few slowpokes tried to finish up their projects. Christy helped scoot them along and then got the snack ready, half listening to the story.
The teacher had begun to tell about Jonathan and David when a little girl interrupted her. "My friend has twin brothers, and their names are Jonathan and David."
"This is a different Jonathan and David," the teacher explained with a smile. "These boys lived a long, long time ago, in Bible times. They were very good friends, and they both loved God. Jonathan's father was the king."
"My friend has a dog named King," a little boy said.
"Let's listen to the story now," the teacher continued patiently.
I could never teach a bunch of interrupters like these kids, Christy thought. I'd never have the patience.
"Now, Jonathan deserved to be the next king because he was the king's son. But do you know what? God wanted David to be king, and Jonathan knew it. Did Jonathan fight with David and say, 'I deserve to be king. Get out of my way!'?"
All the toddlers shook their heads and said, "Noooo."
"That's right. Jonathan loved David and he helped him become the next king because Jonathan knew that God wanted David to be king and not him. Do you know what the Bible says love is?"