"Now the boy who dreamed thus is I, and they who tempted him by thinking him wicked are you. I no longer fear myself, but I am afraid of you. Do not stir up my evil passions, for it is doubtful whether I may get hold of the Lord's garment."
He rushed out, and the men looked at each other.
CHAPTER VII.
It was the next day, in the barn of the same gard. Arne had been drunk for the first time in his life, was ill in consequence of it, and had been lying in the barn almost twenty-four hours. Now, turning over, he had propped himself up on his elbows, and thus talked with himself:--
"Everything I look at becomes cowardice. That I did not run away when I was a boy, was cowardice; that I listened to father rather than to mother, was cowardice; that I sang those wicked songs for him was cowardice; I became a herd-boy, that was from cowardice;--I took to reading--oh, yes! that was from cowardice, too; I wanted to hide away from myself. Even after I was grown up, I did not help mother against father--cowardice; that I did not that night--ugh!--cowardice! I should most likely have waited until _she_ was killed. I could not stand it at home after that--cowardice; neither did I go my way--cowardice; I did nothing, I tended cattle--cowardice. To be sure, I had promised mother to stay with her; but I should actually have been cowardly enough to break the promise, had I not been afraid to mingle with people. For I am afraid of people chiefly because I believe they see how bad I am. And it is fear of people makes me speak ill of them--cursed cowardice! I make rhymes from cowardice. I dare not think in a straightforward manner about my own affairs, and so I turn to those of others--and that is to be a poet.
"I should have sat down and cried until the hills were turned into water, that is what I should have done; but instead I say: 'Hush, hush!'
and set myself to rocking. And even my songs are cowardly; for were they courageous they would be better. I am afraid of strong thoughts; afraid of everything that is strong; if I do rise up to strength, it is in a frenzy, and frenzy is cowardice. I am more clever, more capable, better informed than I seem to be. I am better than my words; but through cowardice I dare not be what I am. Fy! I drank brandy from cowardice; I wanted to deaden the pain! Fy! it hurt. I drank, nevertheless; drank, nevertheless; drank my father's heart's blood, and yet I drank! The fact is, my cowardice is beyond all bounds; but the most cowardly thing of all is that I can sit here and say all this to myself.
"Kill myself? Pooh! For that I am too cowardly. And then I believe in God,--yes, I believe in God. I long to go to Him; but cowardice keeps me from Him. From so great a change a cowardly person winces. But what if I tried as well as I am able? Almighty God! What if I tried? I might find a cure that even my milksop nature could bear; for I have no bone in me any longer, nor gristle; only something fluid, slush.... What if I tried, with good, mild books,--I am afraid of the strong ones,--with pleasant stories and legends, all such as are mild; and then a sermon every Sunday and a prayer every evening, and regular work, that religion may find fruitful soil; it cannot do so amid slothfulness. What if I tried, dear, gentle God of my childhood,--what if I tried?"
But some one opened the barn-door, and hurried across the floor, pale as death, although drops of sweat rolled down the face. It was Arne's mother. It was the second day she had been seeking for her son. She called his name but did not pause to listen; only called and rushed about, till he answered from the hay-mow, where he was lying. She gave a loud shriek, sprang to the mow more lightly than a boy, and threw herself upon him.
"Arne, Arne, are you here? So I have really found you. I have been looking for you since yesterday; I have searched the whole night! Poor, poor Arne! I saw they had wounded you. I wanted so much to talk with you and comfort you; but then I never dare talk with you! Arne, I saw you drink! O God Almighty! let me never see it again!"
It was long before she could say more. "Jesus have mercy on you, my child; I saw you drink! Suddenly you were gone, drunk and crushed with grief as you were, and I ran around to all the houses. I went far out in the field; I did not find you. I searched in every copse; I asked every one. I was _here_, too, but you did not answer me--Arne, Arne! I walked along the river; but it did not seem to be deep enough anywhere"--She pressed up close to him. "Then it came with such relief to my mind that you might have gone home, and I am sure I was not more than a quarter of an hour getting over the road. I opened the door and looked in every room, and then first remembered that I myself had the key; you could not possibly have entered. Arne, last night I searched along the road on both sides; I dared not go to the Kamp gorge. I know not how I came here; no one helped me; but the Lord put it into my heart that you must be here!"
He tried to soothe her.
"Arne, indeed, you must never drink brandy again."
"No, you may be sure of that."
"They must have been very rough with you. Were they rough with you?"
"Oh, no; it was I who was _cowardly_." He laid stress on the word.
"I cannot exactly understand why they should be rough with you. What was it they did to you? You will never tell me anything," and she began to weep again.
"You never tell me anything, either," said Arne, gently.
"But you are most to blame, Arne. I got so into the habit of being silent in your father's day that you ought to have helped me a little on the way! My God! there are only two of us, and we have suffered so much together!"
"Let us see if we cannot do better," whispered Arne. "Next Sunday I will read the sermon to you."
"God bless you for that! Arne?"
"Yes?"
"I have something I ought to say to you."
"Say it, mother."
"I have sinned greatly against you; I have done something wrong."
"You, mother?" And it touched him so deeply that his own good, infinitely patient mother should accuse herself of having sinned against him, who had never been really good to her, that he put his arm round her, patted her, and burst into tears.
"Yes, I have; and yet I could not help it."
"Oh, you have never wronged me in any way."
"Yes, I have,--God knows it; it was only because I was so fond of you.
But you must forgive me; do you hear?"
"Yes, I will forgive you."
"Well, then, I will tell you about it another time; but you will forgive me?"
"Oh, yes, mother!"
"You see, it is perhaps because of this that it has been so hard to talk with you; I have sinned against you."
"I beg of you not to talk so, mother."
"I am happy now, having been able to say so much."
"We must talk more together, we two, mother."
"Yes, that we must; and then you will really read the sermon for me?"
"Yes, I will do so."
"Poor Arne! God bless you!"
"I think it is best for us to go home."
"Yes, we will go home."
"Why are you looking round so, mother?"
"Your father lay in this barn, and wept."
"Father?" said Arne, and grew very pale.
"Poor Nils! It was the day you were christened. Why are you looking round, Arne?"
CHAPTER VIII.