"But despair terrifies me-I who never have known it-and I do not understand how to meet it, how to cope with it in others, what to say or do. Yet I would help if help is possible. Is it?
"I think you have always thought me immature, young in experience, negligible as to wisdom, of an intellectual capacity inconsequential.
"These are the facts: I was married when I was very young, and I have known little of such happiness; but I have met sorrow and have conquered it, and I have seen bitter hours, and have overcome them, and I have been tempted, and have prevailed. Have you done these things?
"As for wisdom, if it comes only with years, then I have everything yet to learn. Yet it seems to me that in the charity wards of hospitals, in the city prisons, in the infirmary, the asylum-even the too brief time spent there has taught me something of human frailty and human sorrow. And if I am right or wrong, I do not know, but to me sin has always seemed mostly a sickness of the mind. And it is a shame to endure it or to harshly punish it if there be a cure. And if this is so, what you may have done, and what others may have done to you, cannot be final.
"My letter is longer than I meant it, but I had a great need to speak to you. If you still think well of me, answer me. Answer in the way it pleases you best. But answer-if you still think well of me.
"AILSA PAIGE."
A touch of rose still tinted the sky overhead, but already the lamp lighters were illuminating the street lamps as he came to London Terrace-that quaint stretch of old-time houses set back from the street, solemnly windowed, roofed, and pilastered; decorously screened behind green trees and flowering bushes ringed by little lawns of emerald.
For a moment, after entering the iron gateway and mounting the steps, he stood looking up at her abode. Overhead the silken folds of the flag hung motionless in the calm evening air; and all the place about him was sweet with the scent of bridal-wreath and early iris.
Then, at his tardy summons, the door of her house opened to him. He went in and stood in the faded drawing-room, where the damask curtain folds were drawn against the primrose dusk and a single light glimmered like a star high among the pendant prisms of the chandelier.
Later a servant came and gave the room more light. Then he waited for a long while. And at last she entered.
Her hands were cold-he noticed it as the fingers touched his, briefly, and were withdrawn. She had scarcely glanced at him, and she had not yet uttered a word when they were seated. It lay with him, entirely, so far.
"What a lazy hound I have been," he said, smiling; "I have no excuses to save my hide-no dogs ever have. Are you well, Ailsa?"
She made the effort: "Yes, perfectly. I fear-" Her eyes rested on his marred and haggard face; she said no more because she could not.
He made, leisurely, all proper and formal inquiries concerning the Craigs and those he had met there, mentioned pleasantly his changed fortunes; spoke of impending and passing events, of the war, of the movement of troops, of the chances for a battle, which the papers declared was imminent.
Old Jonas shuffled in with the Madeira and a decanter of brandy, it being now nearly eight o'clock.
Later, while Berkley was still carelessly bearing the burden of conversation, the clock struck nine times; and in another incredibly brief interval, it struck ten.
He started to rise, and encountered her swiftly lifted eyes. And a flush grew and deepened on his face, and he resumed his place in silence. When again he was seated she drew, unconsciously, a long, deep breath, and inclined her head to listen. But Berkley had no more to say to her-and much that he must not say to her. And she waited a long while, eyes bent steadily on the velvet carpet at her feet.
The silence endured too long; she knew it, but could not yet break it, or the spell which cradled her tired heart, or the blessed surcease from the weariness of waiting.
Yet the silence was lasting too long, and must be broken quickly.
She looked up, startled, as he rose to take his leave. It was the only way, now, and she knew it. And, oh, the time had sped too fast for her, and her heart failed her for all the things that remained unsaid-all the kindness she had meant to give him, all the counsel, the courage, the deep sympathy, the deeper friendship.
But her hand lay limply, coldly in his; her lips were mute, tremulously curving; her eyes asked nothing more.
"Good night, Ailsa."
"Good night."
There was colour, still, in his marred young face, grace, still, in his body, in the slightly lowered head as he looked down at her.
"I must not come again, Ailsa."
Then her pulses died. "Why?"
"Because-I am afraid to love you."
It did not seem that she even breathed, so deathly still she stood.
"Is that--your reason?"
"Yes. I have no right to love you."
She could scarcely speak. "Is-friendship not enough, Mr. Berkley?"
"It is too late for friendship. You know it."
"That cannot be."
"Why, Ailsa?"
"Because it is friendship-mistaken friendship that moves you now in every word you say." She raised her candid gaze. "Is there no end to your self-murder? Do you still wish to slay yourself before my very eyes?"
"I tell you that there is nothing good left living in me:
"And if it were true; did you never hear of a resurrection?"
"I-warn you!"
"I hear your warning."
"You dare let me love you?"
Dry-lipped, voices half stifled by their mounting emotion, they stood closely confronted, paling under the effort of self-mastery. And his was giving way, threatening hers with every breath.
Suddenly in his altered face she saw what frightened her, and her hand suddenly closed in his; but he held it imprisoned.
"Answer me, Ailsa!"
"Please-" she said-"if you will let me go-I will answer-you--"
"What?"
"What you-ask."
Her breath was coming faster; her face, now white as a flower, now flushed, swam before him. Through the surging passion enveloping him he heard her voice as at a distance:
"If you will-let me go-I can tell you--"
"Tell me now!"
"Not-this way... . How can you care for me if--