Chapter Thirty Bitterness of Longing
How I long for you, but you're in Changan [1]. By the well's elaborate rails, cicadas sing their autumn song. The weather is faintly frosty and miserable, the bamboo mats are cold as ice. A shady lamp shadows my yearning, which only intensifies. Rolling up the screen, I deeply sigh as I gaze at the moon. A beauty as beautiful as the flowers is as far from me as the clouds are. Above me is the blue and soaring sky, underneath me lies a clear pond full of ripples. The sky is endless and the road is long, this is the distance that troubles our pining souls. Even in our dreams, our souls are unable to bypass the distance and reunite.*
How I long for you, how this longing devastates this heart of mine. The sun's light has faded away, a fog has descended to conceal the flowers. Although the moon is clear and bright, misery brings about insomnia instead of sleep. Getting up, I strum my Zhao zither, but then I mute it by holding it's phoenix neck and begin to fret. Taking my Shu guqin, I play a melody on this instrument that’s used to woo. Sadly, there's nobody around to be in a playful mood with me. I think of you without end, but an endless sky lies between us. The eyes that used to portray coquettishness now serves as a spring that sheds endless tears. If you doubt my distraught feelings, why don't you come back and have a glance at the mirror before me.*
People walked to and fro on the busy street, clamor and the sound of hawking (one's wares) filled the air. Brightly dressed men and women came and went. Their faces held a range of emotions. There was joy, concern, anxiousness, and haughtiness. Alongside the city walls and houses, in the corner of a small alleyway, there were several beggars crouching or laying down on the floor. Their clothing was shabby, creating a clear distinction from the passersby. Their long hair was messy and partially covered their dirty faces. Their bodies were pitch-black and held a stink. And their extremely filthy hands held shattered porcelain bowls, which held a few copper coins inside. Lowly laying against what could be considered their own corner, their faces were simple and didn't hold much expectation.
A small beggar walked alone on the street. Although his clothes seemed neat in comparison, it was still quite filthy and even emitted a stink. The gentle, long hair became extremely matted, the mess covered his face. All that could be seen was big, black eyes that had a pure and crafty light. But if you peered at his face, you would discover a big red spot that started from his forehead and extended to the corner of her mouth. It appeared exceptionally ugly and fierce. If this type of person wasn't a beggar, then what were they?
When people saw him, their faces showed sympathy or disgust. The people who neared him immediately walked away, and even gave him a glance of revulsion. But the little beggar seemed as if he didn't see their glances. As he was walking, he was looking everywhere around her, seeming to be looking for something. When he caught sight of a steamed bun, he stilled. His big eyes were filled with greed as he looked at the fragrant and hot steamed buns that had just been taken out of the steamer basket.
Beaming from ear to ear, the peddler didn't seem to have smelled the beggar's body odor and cordially opened his mouth. "Do you want to eat the steamed bun?"
Nodding his head, the gluttonous light in his eyes condensed, emitting the flavor of appreciation and longing. There are still plenty of good people in this world, ah. This boss is still such a good person, he would definitely remember him for forever!
"If you want to eat, then take money out to buy it. If you don't have money, then get lost!" Looking at the peddler whose face quickly became hostile, the little beggar foolishly stood in his place. The expression on his face was frightened and disbelief, his embarrassment was hard to show.
After a moment, the little beggar held back his mouth and began to leave. But he still gave one more reluctant glance at the steamed buns. There are truly very few good people left in this world, ah!
Leaving the crowd, the little beggar walked outside of the city and lied down under a large tree. She expressionlessly looked at the horizon when suddenly, some sparkling and translucent tears rolled out of her eyes. If, if she was still in her original position, unrestrainedly enjoying the pampering they gave, then she would certainly no longer harbor that little bit of viciousness in his heart. She didn't dare to imagine how much pain she gave them when she left. Especially second ge, he had always been so cautious and worried about her. But they didn't wish to make certain, to believe that happiness rested right under their noses. He was skeptical and concerned, at all times, he seemed like he was walking on thin ice. And she was hateful, clearly seeing his worry but deliberately ignoring it in order to purposely make it so that he loved her even more. Not giving anything, but you still want to have it all. Gu Weiyi, you're truly too greedy, too vile! Self-righteously receiving love and care. All the affection you invested can't even measure up to one thousandth of the amount they invested!
When you left them, you enjoyed the secular world. Gu Weiyi already became nothing. Merely an ordinary woman that didn’t possess an outstanding appearance and didn't have any remarkable skills. This version of herself, how could she enjoy the love they give, without scruple, and selfishly avoid investing anything? Just because she didn't mind their eyes, they sincerely treated her, cautiously protecting her. If this world had another person who crossed over, she would also feel that their eyes were comparably beautiful, ah! Her fondness and not minding was only because this world was blind and narrow minded towards others. Regarding different people, they banished and excluded them. If it was in her own world, they would be standing on the world's stage, dazzling and brilliant, someone hard to approach. How would she be able to even get close to them? Even thinking like this now, possessing their unrivalled love?
Gu Weiyi, you're truly very vile, ah!
The tears in her eyes surged forward more. Restlessness, guilt, bone aching longing, as well as the love, that she hadn't thought was there, all came forward. In this moment, it all erupted. Regardless of whether it was the cold, selfish, and untrusting of love Gu Weiyi or whether it was the current Gu Weiyi who was disguised as someone simple, kind hearted, and simple-minded; she had to admit one fact, that her love had already sprouted for them.
Entering the door of pining, knowing the bitterness of yearning. But even if she experienced the bitterness a second time, the mutual happy and touching emotions of an embrace, for that split second, could balance all the suffering. Gu Weiyi thought about the mermaid who would rather turn into sea foam, and would chase the prince, regardless of everything, for that split second to absolve herself of that pounding. Was it because that happiness was poison that deeply sunk into the bones and had no medicine that was able to heal it.
Then when she found out she had been poisoned, was she going to find her antidote? Because she herself was also their antidote, ah.
Ge, if I can return to your side, I'll exhaust all my strength to give you guys happiness. I would let you guys feel restless or uncertain anymore, so they can clearly see what happiness looks like.
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"Master, the hidden guard has something to pass on."
"Let him in." Putting the papers in his hands down, Lan Sheng Ling raised his head up. A black clothed man with ordinary appearances entered the room and knelt on one knee.
"Master, subordinate has lost Xue miss. Asking Lord to punish!"
"Lost?" The tone of the question was ordinary, it was hard to hear happiness or anger out of it. The hidden guard on the floor couldn't help but begin to shiver. But he still kept his body on the floor, accepting any punishment given from above.
"Requesting Lord to punish. Xue Miss ran into the west door's slums. All along, subordinate followed behind her, but she seemed to have apparently realized subordinate was there." When he reached this point, the male's face couldn't help but show shame. "The people in the slums are too great, subordinate didn't dare to rashly follow her. This one thought that because Xue miss' clothes are magnificent, subordinate would definitely be able to find her at night. But didn't expect…"
"Didn't expect that she had already changed her clothes and was playing tricks on you, this idiot?" As before, his voice was still neutral. Interrupting the hidden guard's words, Lan Sheng Ling's eyes watched the hidden guard closely.
"Subordinate is uneducated and willing to accept punishment."
He no longer tried explaining himself. The hidden guard knew that the more he tried to justify his actions, the more he would be punished. His Majesty had always been cruel towards subordinates that didn't accomplish their missions.
[1] Changan – the capital of China during the Tang Dynasty. Today, it's known as Xi'an
*Both of these poems were written Li Bai, a famous poet from the Tang Dynasty. The poems are titled 'How I Long For You' and they're split into two parts.
Translator Note when Yi Yi was disguised as the beggar, she was supposed to be seen as male. so that’s why the beggar starts off as being called “he” and then abruptly switches to “she”
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