There’s a term in Japanese that goes ‘Idiots can’t be cured until they die.’ that roughly equates to ‘once an idiot, always an idiot’.
Finally, I couldn’t figure out a good way to translate ‘KITAAAAAAAAA!’. I’m sorry. But I googled ‘KITAAAAAAAAA’ and English-speakers seem to use it, so good enough.
“I am Evil God Dark――wai-, don’t just suddenly speed up――GOBAH-!”
“Anybody? Is anybody in!?”
I woke up to the sound of door knocks and a sudden voice.
Ha-? No good, no good. It seems I dozed off.
But still, what a horrible dream. It’s been a while since I’ve had a flashback to the dark history of my old life.
Today is a fixed holiday for the shop, so Mum and Dad are at the market buying ingredients. My sister Timu is apparently out playing with Pervert(Nielson). Right now I’m at home alone taking care of the house.
And on a day off like this, a sudden visitor came in the early afternoon.
Who could it be?
All the regular customers know that we’re off today. Even if it’s a customer that didn’t know, there’s a sign out front, so they should’ve noticed but…
While feeling confused about this, I stood up and headed to the door.
And when I opened the door, there was…
A beautiful face like a work of art. Incredibly clear white skin. Long hair that shone gold. A beauty with such perfect proportions that even a first-rate model would pale in defeat.
And finally, what drew the eyes more than any of that, were the distinctive pointed ears…
Right; there stood the typical fantasy being, an elf.
“I am indeed an elf. My name is Remilia. There’s a little something I’d like to inquire, you see…”
My excitement showing no signs of receding, I hugged Remilia-tan and began touching her body all over without restraint.
Aaah~ This is an elf’s body? It’s sooo soft!
Arms, legs, hips, breast; I diligently rubbed and hugged each part.
“O-, Oi. W-, What are you doing all of a sudden!”
I ignored Remilia-tan, and hugging her more tightly, I began to sniff.
S-, So this is the scent of an elf…? What a complex fragrance!
I can’t stand this. I can’t stop.
Hahh, hahh, elf. Hahh, hahh, elf.
“O-, Oi, stop it! What are you thinking!”
“Hahh, hahh, Remilia-tan. Smell so good…”
“Cut it out. Let go! …Mu! You’re quite strong despite your looks.”
Hahh, hahh, Remilia-tan. You’re the best!
My excitement further escalated, and I began to lick those finely pointed ears.
“H-, Hyaan! Y-, YOU!”
After having my fill of Remilia-tan, I parted from her and dashed outside the shop. And then, as I looked into the sky, I recalled my previous life in Japan. I had faith that this sky was connected to the one in Japan, as I took a deep breath.
“SERRRVESSS YOUUUU RIGHTTTTTT! Inoue, you really loved elves right? I hugged an elf you know. I sniffed one you know. And I nibbled their ear you know. Do you know what an elf’s ear tastes like? Ehehe, an elf’s ear tastes like elf♪ What ‘find a job’? Will finding a job let you meet elves? Will it let you touch elves? Smell elves? IT’S MY WIN! HYAAAHOOOOO! I’M THA WINNER, YAAAAY!”
“Y-, You fool!”
While I yelled loudly towards the sky, Remilia-tan thrust the sword at her waist towards me. Seeing that bloodthirst, my mind jolted back to reality.
――Ha-! What on earth have I been doing…?
When I had come back to my senses, I noticed that Remilia-san’s face was bright red, and that the tip of a sword was pointed right in front of my eyes.
“Hiee-, I-, I’m sorry. I’m very sorry, h-, hey don’t stab me!”
The sword shone with a black lustre and seemed to be very sharp. Is it a famous sword?
E-, Even though she’s an elf, she’s not using a bow, is she. Or so I was thinking, when the tip of the sword began to draw closer and closer.
“Uwahh! W-, Wait a moment, wait. You’re stabbing me!”
“Hmph, you rude… I’ll have you die!”
“Hi-, h-, hwaaaah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Wahh-, they were lying when they said that death would cure stupidity, weren’t theyyy. I died once, but I’m not cured at alll! Hii-, waah, waahhh, hic-, s-, sorry, Timu. Forgive your unfortunate sister for leaving this world firstt. Hic-, wahh, hii-, wahhhh, don’t stab meee!”
I begged her as tears ran from my eyes, without paying attention to how I looked. When I did, perhaps my desperation was conveyed to Remilia-san, because the bloodthirst in her eyes weakened.
“――Tsk. The next time will cost you your life!”
“Y-, Yes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I-, It seems I somehow got her to forgive me. Remilia-san is too scary.
Ahh~ But still, my old disease relapsed. Even though I thought I was cured――
How dreadful. Is this the so-called charm of an elf? In my old life I died from jumping in front of a truck, and in this life I almost died from sexually harassing an elf. There really should be a limit to stupidity.
“And so, what was it that you wanted to ask me?”
Fixing gears, I invited Remilia-san into the shop, and asked her about her original goal.
“Umu. The truth is, last month I assumed office as Chief of the Capital’s Public Safety Force, but these last few days, an ominous eddy of mana in the north-west was detected from the Capital.”
“An ominous mana…?”
“That’s right. Almost like the mana of the demons that rampaged in the Great War of old. And it was close to Beruga Town that the mana was the strongest. If the demons resurrected, then it would be very dangerous. Have you heard any relevant rumours around here?”
“Pff-, ahahaha! Remilia-san, there’s no way I’ve heard such a bloody story in a rural place like this.”
“T-, That shouldn’t be the case! At the very least, I even managed to collide with a large mana in my search yesterday. There should be some kind of information. Are there any missing townsfolk? People found brutally murdered or the like?”
“No, far from any dead people, nobody has even been wounded.”
“Then have any suspicious people or groups been spotted? On the way here, I received eyewitness reports from villagers about seeing an unknown group.”
“Like I saidd, there’s nobody like that. It’s peaceful in these parts. Those reports were probably talking about people who gathered from far away for an event.”
“What is an ‘event’?”
“If I said ‘cosplay’, you wouldn’t understand, right? Ummm, I suppose you could say people who are having fun acting as the Demon King Army――”
“Demon King Army!?”
“No, no. They aren’t actually the real Demon King Army, it’s just an event where they pretend to be the Demon King Army to have fun.”
“What kind of game is that? I don’t understand it. Explain!”
“――Ummm, basically, you see, they pretend to be the Demon King Army and pretend to fight. For example, firing spells called Star Freya[Super Demonic Star Magic Bullets], or,”
“Star Freya![Super Demonic Star Magic Bullets]! That’s the ancient and ultimate spell that only the demon Camilla could use, you know!”
“No, no, I suppose you could say that it’s a novice magic that they pretend is an ultimate magic――Hmmm, explaining is pretty hard, huh~”
“EEI! We’re making no progress. Do you know the person in charge of that event? I’ll ask him for the details.”
“The one who’s in charge of the event is Hidler-san.”
“Hidler, you say! That’s the name of the demon feared as the right hand man of the Demon King, you know!”
“No, like I said, that’s also just the name that he’s going by. His real name is something else. What is his real name, anyway…? I don’t know it.”
But still, that event really outdid itself, huh. So Hidler-san made sure to use the name of a real demon from the ancient war. Speaking of which, Timu is going as Camilla after all, so wasn’t it obvious that Hidler wasn’t his real name?
“That’s enough. Then could you guide me to the place that event was being held?”
“Eh!? Remilia-san, could it be that you’re going to arrest the participants?”
“I’m just going to make sure that they aren’t demons. If they’re really just playing, I’m not going to arrest them. Only, they’d be quite an imprudent bunch, so I might give them a stern warning though.”
Aahh~ Why has Remilia-san been so serious about these imaginary Demon Kings or demons or whatever…
――Ha-!? It’s that!
Right, it’s like in my old life those rookie detectives who grew up watching and admiring police dramas. Right, right, in police dramas they’d get into gunfights with criminals at the drop of a hat, or places would be invaded by terrorists, but real life isn’t like that.
Remilia-san said that she just entered the Capital’s Public Safety Force, so she’s probably a bit too passionate. I guess she’s misunderstanding the culprit’s mana as “the Demon King is resurrecting” or “demons are doing bad things” or the like. Even though that stuff isn’t real.
If she sees Timu and the others playing, Remilia-san should understand that it’s just play as well.
Remilia-san seems like the type that would be a stickler for the rules. She seems the type who would say things like “the crime of bringing chaos to the world” or “disrespect towards the royal family” and arrest Hidler-san and all the working dads.
In other words, if I bring Remilia-san there, this is how it’ll play out.
『You lot! You’re under arrest for the crime of lèse-majesté, for doing this disrespectful nonsense!』
『P-, Please wait. This is simply a game, and――』
『You would mock the royal family as a game! You become more and more disgraceful. This is a heavy crime. Capital punishment!』
『D-, Dear, it can’t be! Why would you do such a…』
『Waaaah, Papa. Are you going to be arrested?』
『T-, To think the company president would so something like…』
『What are we employees going to do without the president…?』
Hmmmm, just thinking about it seems like it would trouble Hidler-san, the people participating, and all their families!
And what’s more, Timu is participating right now. At this rate, even Timu might get arrested and be stuck with a criminal record. I need to stop Remilia-san no matter what.
“Ahh~ Remilia-san, speaking of which, I’ve remembered. I spotted a suspicious customer here at the restaurant. He seemed kind of demon-ey.”
“W-, What did you say!? What were his characteristics?”
“U-, Um~mm, he was wearing a hood so I couldn’t actually see his face. But I heard him talk about hiding in the Capital.”
“I see. I appreciate your cooperation. I shall immediately return to the Capital and investigate.”
Mn, mn, please do. It’s the Capital, so you can probably find plenty of suspicious thieves or criminals if you search there. It’s for the sake of the world that you arrest people like that instead of looking for Demon Kings and demons. Try your best, okay~?