Chapter 15
15 . You and me, our,
A grey scenery was laid out . Rocks and stones were tumbled around on a mountain of a colour that one would suspect that there would be more pebbles than dirt . The nearby fields also had an overwhelming amount of dirt compared to grass, with only minuscule patches of grass .
The roads were uneven, causing the carriage to rock left and right . Joblin, who would usually be complaining, was actually enjoying the rhythm now .
However, the grey scenery changed drastically upon entering a village .
Like the previous villages, the veil of night had fallen on it .
A village of stone, silent as death . On sharp roofs, on windows, everywhere was covered with black cloth .
After looking outside through the carriage curtains, Wilfred whistled .
“Amazing, or should I say that it’s his hometown after all . It’s full of black . ”
Take a look, he said and slowly raised my head up with his finger .
A village that fell silent even though it’s not midwinter nor midnight .
Located near the border between Laius and Darich, this is Kolkia, the furthest point north in Laius .
Kaid’s hometown .
“Let’s go sometime . ”
The land that he promised, the promise which I broke .
Even after the storm subsided and we were able to depart, the effect of the heavy rain was enormous . There were many landslides on the roads . The frequently used roads were blocked and people could not travel .
It took a more than a day where it would normally take just half a day .
On top of that, it was tough enough with the disasters, but Laius didn’t have a lord now . There is a person for such times, but no matter how much he tried he could not keep up with the amount of work Kaid had been doing alone . Moreover, people here and there who received the news of the assassination of the lord were demanding an explanation .
Joblin occupied one whole seat section of the wide carriage . It’s fine since it’s his carriage, yet it looked like it was tight even though he had the whole space to himself .
Sitting next to me, Wilfred rested his chin on his knee and looked at me .
“You’re making a terrible face . ”
I was aware of it .
Without even thinking of fixing my hair, I looked at my dishevelled hair resting on my face . It looked much lighter than how I remembered it . I wonder if my hair will turn white at this rate . Then my face will age greatly too . I’m already making a depressing face, I wonder if I’ll become a witch with white hair then .
Almost two days passed since then . However, I didn’t sleep much . I couldn’t sleep .
“I thought that you would break down in tears . ”
He noted interestedly to me who did not create a single drop of tear since the day the world was shrouded by the night .
You can’t cry if there’s too much sorrow . I knew that .
But there wasn’t even that . I didn’t even feel sad . I couldn’t feel anything . My heart was frozen .
I wonder if that was the last .
What did I last talk about with him…… right, moles . The mood grew awkward after we mentioned moles and became fidgety . It felt somewhat embarrassing .
But then, Kaid was dyed in red and smiled after wiping away the red on me .
That was all?
Kaid is not here anymore?
He’s not anywhere?
Kaid can’t be found anywhere in this world?
Helt disppeared and Kaid appeared . Yet nothing appeared when Kaid disappeared . Why?
I loosened the hard lock on my hands and stared blankly .
I brewed it with these hands . I brewed his tea . My hands poisoned him . Ah, why did I not drink first? If I drank first he would not have had it . Why did I not call the doctor immediately? I shouldn’t have panicked . Why was there no antidote? I really needed it .
Why did he have to die .
I didn’t do anything yet, I didn’t do anything for him .
Not, a thing .
Even though the land was vast, there was little space for people to live in . We passed through the village of small houses in the rocky field on a stony road that was barely in a fair condition .
The flowing waters of the river could be heard . The river that was overflowing from the rain that had falling until yesterday roared as it gushed . It was as though it was spiteful . A sound that was as though it maddened from losing a beloved child of the land came from the ground .
Enjoying Kolkia’s rage, Joblin spoke in a high-pitched voice as though he was going to hum .
“My my, Tim . You shouldn’t bully her too much . ”
“Don’t you want to tease the girl you like?”
“A woman’s resentment is frightening . It’s vengeful and sticks even to unrelated things, reviving over and over again until it finally dies . ”
Feeling good, Joblin let out a laugh that was shorter and lower than that of an owl’s .
“More importantly, discuss about the wedding . once we arrive, we’ll start preparing immediately . I’m also busy . Laius will be embroiled in a storm . Well, actually, it is like a place the wolf created on his own . I hope the place is full of foes . I hope disease spreads . I hope the flow doesn’t stop . I wish I could have done it again fifteen years ago . ”
Among the things that pop up, I wonder if there’s even one thing this man will not try his hand on .
“He was a terribly unpleasant man . As he did it alone, it would have collapsed if he disappeared . However, it would not collapse unless he’s erased . Something will maintain it as long as that one man is there . He was the bothersome beast . ”
Laius that escaped destruction fifteen years ago appeared . The place called Laius would be gone . The Laius he protected will be taken by the man in front of me .
When I looked straight ahead, a gleeful voice of “Hoh,” escaped the meat .
“……You’re making nice eyes . It’s as though you’ll tear out my throat . Are you truly not the partner of that wolf? Tim, take care to not be murdered at the ceremony . ”
When I looked at him, Wilfred distorted his face without holding it in . It wasn’t a face that couldn’t hold it in . It was an expression full of delight .
“Nice…… exciting . As you are now, I think you’ll look very good in a bright red dress . ”
If I have to wear something like that, I’ll be clad in flames to dye myself red . Then I’ll be satisfied .
“Still, let’s do the ceremony in black . We’ll be wedded while wearing mourning clothes . Isn’t it perfect for us?”
Not faint, but a thick black something rioted in my heart . All the suppressed feelings were sucked into that and scorched the inside of my body .
Wilfred smiled innocently like a little child .
“Do you want to die?”
“I want to kill . ”
At the words that came flowing out, Wilfred laughed out loud this time . I couldn’t feel sorrow, yet hatred was there as though it was alive and breathing .
He was holding his belly button in laughter, but I continued .
“Give me a trial in Laius . ”
In a blink, his face lost all expression . I was hit on the cheek . Not caring about it, I grabbed him by the collar . The body I pulled in close with my weight fell . The face was so close that the lips almost touched .
“The crime of poisoning the lord of Laius as people of Laius should be judged in Laius . Whatever happens, it doesn’t change that we’re from Laius . ”
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I will never forgive you if Kaid dies .
There was no lie to that . Not forgiving . Forever, even after death . Even if we return again .
Go die .
I’ll kill you .
Words that were in some sense contradictory yet wishing for the same result were stuck in my head .
I hope your spine breaks that you vomit blood as though it’s the end of the world and feel the same, no, an even worse pain before you die .
Or so, I thought .
Even though I couldn’t mourn, hatred kept gushing forth . I can’t forgive him . No matter how I tried, that remained .
However, even if I killed him here it wouldn’t change anything . Killing won’t make me feel better, nor would it bring anything back .
Even if a miracle happened and I reunited with Kaid, his hands would leave me .
Kaid was a lord . For the people, for Laius, he worked as a lord to the end .
He protected the Laius that we destroyed . It was he who sacrificed himself, yet he protected even what I forced him to bear .
I wonder if I can live a life where Kaid can smile to me . When we meet again, I wonder if I won’t have to feel shame, not feel disheartened, nor run away . I wonder if I can smile to you .
I wonder if I can finally smile out of happiness .
Then, I might have shed a tear for the first time .
At least, he won’t be happy if I killed Wilfred . He will definitely make that lonesome smile and stare at me sadly . I can tell now .
I decided to not pursue unhappiness . I decided that I won’t bear it nor chase it .
It’s not the past that shouldn’t be seen . People turn around and advance . I stopped without seeing the future . I couldn’t see the hole and tripped, then I fell down as I couldn’t see the hand that was stretched out .
I won’t advance if I can’t see ahead, if I can’t see it in the future . Even if he’s only in the past .
I decided to take myself away . From the dim place I fell down to, to a bright place .
You gave me that road . You had to abandon that road because of me, but you made that road in Laius .
You rebuilt everything from the crumbled cobblestones, you levelled the greed of those clawing up, you repaired the collapsed walls, and you calmed the anger of the sky .
You gave candies to starving children, dreams to waning families, tomorrows to babies .
You gave love to a foolish woman .
I burdened you with so many things, yet I only offered you one thing .
It was the ruined necklace the kind girl gave me .
A blue flower to you .
A blue hyacinth .
Love to you .
Love from a foolish woman .
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Unchanging ‘love’ .
Wilfred grabbed me by the collar as well and he was stronger after all . He gripped me tightly and had me on my toes .
“Ah, I really like you now . You’re in a different league from that boring woman who was only beautiful . If you want to rub me the wrong way, don’t break . Don’t break and I’ll let you continue invoking my wrath . I had killed everyone who did that until now, but I’ll forgive you . Ahh, I’m glad you’re my fiancée . I love you . I love you from the bottom of my heart . You are the only one for me . The only person who knows me is you . The only flower I need in my garden is just you . ”
I wonder if he just failed to cover it up with love, or if he really meant that from the beginning . The words spun a tale wearing an unfamiliar form that was like, or unlike, kindness . Wilfred kneeled on one knee like a knight and looked up at me from something that was like thick sludge .
“My toxic flower, please marry me . ”
“No . No one will be happy . ”
“At least I will be . I’ll be careful about making you mine . If it’s you now, I feel that you’d give birth to a birth . ”
“…………No way . ”
After saying something that I didn’t want to imagine in various meanings, Wilfred laughed joyfully .
“Now that’s what I call a love twin!”
Even though he wouldn’t know the actual meaning, Joblin laughed loudly after coming to a conclusion of his own . I didn’t know what was so funny, but he laughed with a sound as though his lungs were collapsing, causing the carriage rock greatly .
It would be amazing even from outside .
At first, I thought it was because of this that a polite voice called for Joblin from outside .
“Master, master . ”
“Mm . ”
Not laughing anymore and showing a movement of meat that was hard to tell if it nodded or just shook, Joblin said something . Wilfred then approached the small window that was kept open so that we wouldn’t suffocate .
There, the butler from Darich was on horseback . Since he had bits of white hair, I could tell that he was rather old . He had been doing it for a long time . With a practised movement, he spoke directly to Joblin without talking to Wilfred .
“There are people from Gimii behind us . They request to see master . What shall I do, sir?”
“Hm…… Who’s the representative?”
“Isador-sama . ”
Joblin clicked his thick tongue .
“Did he flee because his friend died? I would have ignored them if it wasn’t the man himself . No choice then . Stop the carriages . Tim, lend me a hand . ”
“Sir . ”
When lords meet, one cannot not get out their carriage . However, I couldn’t help but think that Wilfred would be squashed flat when he lent his hand .
But I wasn’t worried too much . I gave up on the small window and stared at where the window was past the thick curtains .
Isador…… I don’t know what you’re planning, but I hope you won’t do anything strange . Even if you won’t be able to do anything to him after he returns to Darich, here in Laius he is just a guest . The only people who can wield authority in Laius are those from Laius .
And the only person who can wield authority over lords from other fiefs is the lord of Laius .
The lord of Laius, the post which is absent now .
In contrast to the hoof sounds that steadily approached, the hoof sounds from here subsided . The rocking stopped too . Joblin exited the carriage while holding on the hands of any squirming servants . Having finished lending his hand, Wilfred changed his position and bugged me from behind . Somewhere that I couldn’t see, a small bottle asserted its existence with clanking sounds .
“I think you already know, but unless you want an accident to happen to the next lord of Gimii stay still . That crybaby grew up . I want to keep him alive, don’t you know? ……Stop glaring at me like that . You’re making me excited . ”
I immediately stopped glaring at him and focused my attention to the outside .
Built to withstand that giant, the walls were thick . After the doors were closed, all sound from outside was cleanly shut out . After frowning a bit, Wilfred opened the window past the curtains slightly causing sound from outside to reach in for the first time .
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“My, Isador-dono! To what do I owe this pleasure?”
I could clearly picture how he was feigning surprise .
“I’m sorry if you were busy . As I couldn’t accompany you here, I was thinking of returning together, but I panicked after realising that you had already left . ”
“My, I’m very sorry . An acquaintance informed me that he’s marrying . I thought that I had to run over to give a present, but then I received the news that he left this world…… I was considering that I shouldn’t meet him with such a sorry face .
From the tone of voice that delivered his condolences, I couldn’t even get goosebumps .
I started clawing . I tried to control myself but I couldn’t feel pain, but instead I heard a groan . When I looked down I had been clawing at Wilfred’s arm .
“…………Sorry . ”
“……So it wasn’t on purpose . ”
I regretted that I shouldn’t have apologised . In the indescribable mood that came from my reflexive apology, he rubbed at where he was scratched . As the sleeves moved, I saw the moles on his wrist . I hadn’t hurt him there, yet Wilfred’s fingers were rubbing there before I realised it .
He didn’t have to confirm it that much .
For some reason, I got a thought .
He was so much like me of the past . Clinging onto something, even without having to confirm that we are here . After we got away from the mansion I saw him do that often . I didn’t see him do that much in the mansion, so maybe this too was something he was aware of .
“……My friend too was worried until the very end . About not being able to see you off . ”
My attention snapped back to reality from Isador’s croaking voice .
“Ohh…… I did such a sorry thing…… How nice it would be if I could tell him to not worry……”
“Even if he’s called the wolf lord, my friend is human . Let’s think of him…… yes, my friend is human . I kept thinking so………………”
“Ah, ah, what a regretful thing! Let me sympathise with you . ”
“Really……”
The words seemed to stop from pain .
Isador, are you crying……?
It’s regretful that I couldn’t see him . It’s painful that I couldn’t get out . If I could rush out, I could have held him in my arms and think of Kaid, our precious person .
I bit my lips then the smell and taste of iron spread in my mouth . It was the same smell I sensed on the last day I met with Kaid .
How painful it must have been . How hurtful it must have been .
I always couldn’t be there beside him when he was going through them . I didn’t hold those hands, embrace him and share the pain .
I gritted my teeth and swallowed the thing that reeked of iron .
This red colour, what about it . If I had time to be afraid of that red colour, I should have hugged him and comforted him .
Right after I swallowed that red, my eyes opened wide .
Because, from outside,
“No, there’s no need for that, Joblin-dono . If I don’t see off the guests I invited, Laius would be ridiculed as a boorish place . Even if a lord left preemptively, a frown is not all that we’d received . I panicked and came rushing . ”
I heard an unbelievable voice .