A Girl Who Was Loved
A cute girl with golden braids.
…Don’t go too deep into the forest.
All the adults in the village said the same thing, so it seemed like a platitude said to children who wanted to play in the forest.
Holding the hair out of my eyes, I looked up. Through gaps in the green branches above my head, I could just barely see the blue sky.
And there I was, in the forest.
There was a great forest near the village I lived in.
I stepped on the twigs with my leather shoes.
I’m going to play in the forest, I casually said. At my back, father said it again.
He said it just as casually, I felt. I let it slip through my ears as usual. But for some odd reason, his words seemed to clutch at my chest today.
Do you really think I’d get lost in the forest, dad?
My father, a hunter, was always going into the forest. There were adults who went looking for wild plants, too.
Such was my thought as I walked along, going deeper than I usually did.
I hesitated slightly, but I knew my way back. I kept walking.
I soon grew tired and sat down on a moderately-sized fallen tree.
They had the same name as me - Viola.
A pleasant wind blew at my hair. Just sitting there in the wind made me feel like I was a flower myself.
It made my eyes droop shut.
What would I do if it were a beast? But there couldn’t be beasts in such shallow forest.
It looked at me with gold eyes, swinging its long tail.
“Whew…”
“Come here.”
I thought it was running away, but it wasn’t so. It walked slowly within my sight, turning back to me and meowing again.
Was it saying to follow…?
It stepped into a thicket, taking a path I didn’t know.
I hesitated. But only for a moment. My haste at losing sight of the black cat led me to jump into the thicket.
I walked behind the black cat. Past the thicket were paths barely wide enough for a person to walk along.
It was a little flower garden.
Who knew such a place was here? I delighted upon seeing the flowers. I squatted down to pick one, and the black cat meowed to call me.
The cat didn’t wait for me to stand and went deeper.
And there appeared before me -
A great garden teeming with red roses.
There was a single path ahead of me, as if adorned by the roses around it. And there were all kinds of flowers, not just roses.
I felt like I really had been taken to a world of dreams.
I followed the cat up to the mansion.
The cat slid through the front door of the house. Had it already been open? The door didn’t close, but remained slightly ajar.
I timidly said. No reply came. I took one step on the pink carpet.
Suddenly, a shadow crossed my vision.
I sighed.
The black cat looked me in the eye and teasingly swung its tail, then proceeded down a passage.
Thinking it strange, I followed the cat up some stairs.
There was just one door at the end of the hall. The black cat stopped in front of the door, folded its legs, and looked up at me.
Was someone waiting for me in there?
Light dimly came through the window on the opposite wall, shining on a bed in the room’s center.
Holding my hands together over the front of my stomach, I slowly walked on the flower-patterned floor.
There was a little girl sleeping in the bed.
The girl had long purple hair and worn a red ribbon. But the girl’s face was nearly covered in bandages. The bandages had dark black splotches, and the uncovered parts showed bits of the swollen red skin underneath.
I only didn’t think to run away at the sight because of her beautiful, glossy, purple hair.
Slam.
I was relieved, and looked back at the girl on the bed.
The girl opened her eyes and looked up at me.
“Who’re you, miss…?”
I panicked. It wasn’t only guilt for coming into the house uninvited. I was also made nervous looking into her eyes.
I couldn’t look away and answered.
“Viola…”
Her lips were cracked, and she looked very pale.
“You’re not scared?”
I quickly replied, but trembled at the end.
It was clear she wasn’t in a normal condition. But the girl lying on her side before me was just a girl.
I smiled for her, and she lifted her lips into a relieved smile as well. The seeming pain of her movement made my own heart hurt.
Without my asking, the girl spoke as if reading my thoughts.
“I’m sleeping here because I’m sick. I’ve always been here. You’re the first one to visit me besides the doctor, miss Viola. So… I was surprised.”
I thought I had to say something. But I didn’t know what to say.
She reached a hand from the sheets. Each and every finger was carefully wrapped with bandages.
“I’m… Ellen. Will…”
There was no chance I wouldn’t nod.
The sick girl - Ellen, seemed to be confined to this house in the forest.
She seemed to be in particularly poor condition that day, so we just talked a little, then I went home.
The pot in the kitchen that was boiling before had stopped.
I looked around for a person, but I couldn’t find anyone.
Had that house really been there?
That was how I came to think.
Oh, no. It was the time when father returned from work. I hurried home. My mother had passed early in my life, so it was up to me to prepare dinner.
As I made dinner, I recalled Ellen’s house.
She was certainly not from around here. I’d never seen anyone with gold eyes around. Her light purple hair was rare as well.
But it was astounding to me that such a big house would be prepared for such a small girl.
A dog barking outside returned me to my senses. Father was home. I went to the front door to greet him.
2
The next afternoon.
Because I promised I’d come visit her again. I felt somewhere in my heart that yesterday had been a dream, so in part, I also wanted to confirm that.
Though I’d only walked the path once, I didn’t get lost at all, arriving at the garden of red and blue flowers.
No, it hadn’t been a dream.
I turned the handle. The door wasn’t locked.
That seemed unsafe. Perhaps people coming in at all was very rare.
“Viola!”
The girl who had yesterday been bedridden now sat up in bed, her back resting against a big pillow.
There were a few unfinished books around her bed, and a round table beside it with a steaming teacup.
Ellen narrowed her eyes to look at me. What kind of expression was this? My chest was pounding.
I pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down.
Again, I had seen no one on the way to Ellen’s room.
There were two cups of tea.
“That’s for you, Viola.”
“Can I?”
“Thank you.”
I took the teacup.
Ellen slowly reached for her tea. It was such a small hand, and it trembled. I even found myself thinking “finally” when she at last grabbed the cup of tea.
As I drank, I looked around the room.
The white walls had not a stain on them. The furniture was gorgeous. Little shelves were packed with colorfully-bound books. Expensive vases held beautiful roses.
This girl must be quite loved, I convinced myself. For I believed the money spent on her must be equal to the affection she received.
As before, the black cat slept at the windowsill, collecting the rays of the sun on its black body.
Ellen inclined her head.
“Really?”, I replied, finding it unexpected.
I felt like he was saying “That’s not true,” and I laughed.
There were now two empty teacups on the table.
“Hey, Ellen. You didn’t always live here, right?”
Her hands were neatly folded on the sheets.
“Because of your unusual eye color.”
“Oh yeah. I read that in a book, once.”
“There aren’t any people with gold eyes here, right? Let’s see… Look, here it is.”
I took the book from Ellen and looked at the indicated page.
But I was surprised by how small the words were, tightly-packed on the page.
I asked, not taking my eyes off the words.
“Yeah. I can’t go outside, so reading is about all I can do…”
She didn’t just read because she liked to.
“You can’t go outside?”
Ellen looked up with realization.
I followed Ellen’s gaze to her legs. Though I couldn’t tell their condition, hidden by the sheets.
That was all I could say. Hoping to change the topic, I asked cheerfully.
She shook her head.
“What about your father and mother?”
“I used to live with them. But… I haven’t seen them since coming here.”
I couldn’t immediately believe her.
But her face told me everything. I grew sad, and was desperate to uplift her.
“I’m sure they’re busy with work.”
“Work?”
“I mean, they have such a big house for you to live in. That must take a lot of money. And there’s the cost of medicine, too. They must be too busy working for you to see you often, Ellen.”
“Hmm…”
She rubbed her bandaged fingers together.
“Right!”
“It’s all for you, Ellen. My father’s always coming home late because of work, too.”
Ellen thought, her head still lowered.
Soon, I saw the sparkle return to her eyes.
“Hey, Viola, your eyes are green, right?”
“Huh? Yeah.”
I laughed nervously at the suddenly cheerful Ellen. But it was much better than seeing her gloomy.
“No, they’re really pretty. Show me.”
I shyly brought my face close to Ellen. She played with the ribbon in my braid with her little hands, looking into my face.
Looking at them so close, I felt like I would be sucked in. Ellen’s eyes were far prettier than mine.
Her words - “I can’t leave” - flickered in my mind.
There’s someone who loves you.
Father and I sat across from each other and ate.
“Something good happen today?”, father asked suspiciously.
“N-No, nothing…?”
After my curt answer, he didn’t say much more.
“It’s fine to go play, but don’t go too deep in the forest.”
But it didn’t seem like part of the deep forest that father was concerned about. I could reach it rather quickly, without getting lost.
I felt a little awkward and went on eating, not looking father in the eye.
3
Early morning of another day.
Father spoke to me as I squatted in the front garden, tying my shoes.
“Yeah.”
“Hey, you’ve got a string loose.”
“It’s fine, I can get it myself.”
“Be careful!”, he shouted from behind.
I curled my fists tight. I was too embarrassed to reply.
I ran into the forest.
I caught my breath and wiped the sweat from my brow.
I felt like I was visiting a boy’s house in secret. Except she was a girl, a fair bit younger than me.
Only I had the ticket to the world of dreams. It excited me.
Ellen was a strange girl.
And yet when I was with her, I found the words came out smoothly.
Depending on her condition, she could be talkative or silent. The way her cat-like eyes spun from place to place as she spoke was very cute.
Flowers effective for treating burns, plants effective for hurting throats.
Sometimes she was able to perfectly guess the weather, to my surprise.
“I’m exhausted… I’m going to nap.”
Ellen talked with me for a bit, then said this. I nodded and helped her pull up the sheets. She thanked me, and sank into the bed.
I leaned back in my chair, hearing it squeak. I closed my eyes as well.
Far away, I heard birds chirp.
Surely, living in a place like this would cure your sickness.
Was Ellen getting any better?
Because I couldn’t do anything about it just by asking. Because she no doubt wanted to talk about other things.
I ended up falling asleep, too. I woke up with the cool air brushing my cheek.
“Oh, did I wake you?”
“I thought you might be cold… Ehehe.”
Her bandages had come a little loose while getting out of bed, and I could see dark red skin.
There were fresh red stains from her movement left around the floor.
“I’m fine. I can handle this much.”
It reminded me how she’d said it hurt to move.
And yet she got out of bed to put a blanket on me? Just for me? So I wouldn’t be cold?
“I can handle the cold fine. You really shouldn’t push yourself, Ellen.”
I couldn’t look right at her red legs. They smelled like antiseptic mixed with blood, which made me nauseous.
She lied down and smiled in place of a verbal thanks. I feebly smiled back. There were still red spots on the sheets in the corner of my vision.
My sights wandered, and I looked to the window.
“You should get back before it’s dark,” Ellen said.
After a brief pause, I stood up from the chair.
“See you,” I said, waving.
I was disturbed, perceiving it as if she had no face. Why did such a thing even come to mind?
I walked with a hand to my forehead.
She was sick. I had completely forgotten, only looking at her face which acted healthy.
Why did the person caring for her never show themselves to me? Yet they provided tea for me, and they let me come in.
It wasn’t contagious. Ellen told me so.
She should be fine.
Suddenly, I heard a door creaking, and I turned to face it. The black cat poked his face out from the wooden door.
I acted like I hadn’t been surprised. The black cat looked at me. He usually greeted me with a low meow, but today he said nothing.
Wanting to get out of there right away, I ran for the front door.
Walking through the rose garden, I looked back at the house.
So then why did the gray walls seem so oppressive, as if they were going to crush me? Maybe it was just the shadow of the windows.
With all my might, I ran through the garden and down the forest path.
Finally, I arrived home, and father was already there. “You’re late,” he quietly said. When he saw my face, his eyes sharpened.
I looked up at father, catching my breath.
I’ll meet you in my true form.
You’re so kind.
I wasn’t able to go to Ellen’s house.
What was I afraid of? The house deep in the woods? How it felt like someone was lurking there? The roses in the garden that bloomed only for her? Her disgusting, swollen legs?
I watched the rain for a while, then finally, as if now relieved, roughly closed the curtains.
The image of bedridden Ellen came into my head.
All alone in her room, Ellen waited for me to come.
So she waited. But day after day passed, and I didn’t come.
But after waiting days, a week, a month. I still did not come.
I see, Ellen smiled, defeated. And she quietly sobbed to herself.
I woke up with a start.
I got out of bed.
The rain wasn’t much, but it hadn’t stopped. Still, I ran along the wet ground.
Father, who was adjusting a hunting rifle inside the house, called after me in surprise. But I didn’t turn around.
She said that because she had seen people who feared her appearance.
I told her I wasn’t scared. Perhaps I was the only one who lent her a hand.
To think I would fear Ellen’s sickness even now.
While running, I suddenly found myself in the garden of red and blue flowers. By the time I reached the rose garden, the rain had stopped.
It was so beautiful, the depression I’d felt in this garden yesterday seemed like a lie.
I climbed the stairs and opened the door to her room.
Ellen looked up in surprise.
When I saw her face, the fog in my heart was cleared at once. My sunken mood returned to normal, and I sat in the chair beside her.
“Why? Even though it was raining…”
I wasn’t sure how to express what I was feeling. I felt it was different from apology or embarrassment.
“Because I missed you, Ellen.”
Because I’m her friend.
That was when I vowed:
Outside was a spider web, in which a butterfly was caught.
On sunny days, I would visit Ellen’s house. On rainy days, I would look out the window in the direction of the forest.
No matter how many times I came by, I never met the person who cared for her. It was truly a mystery how we never even bumped into each other.
As far as I knew, her parents had showed no signs of visiting. Though I was sure she’d be overjoyed if they did.
Every time I saw her, my feelings for her strengthened.
I started to see that Ellen’s body was getting no better since when we first met, only worse.
What would I do when she wasn’t able to read anymore - no, worse than that, when she lost even the light?
Maybe she pushed herself to talk to me, and that made it worsen.
“So please, don’t say you won’t come visit,” she said on the verge of tears.
“I won’t.”
That smile pained my heart.
But this small girl always stubbornly smiled at me. She beared the pain of her sickness.
Something, either pus or blood, started forming in her eyes. I wiped it with a handkerchief, wanting to cry.
I loathed her sickness from the bottom of my heart. At the same time, I knew there was nothing I could do - I was drained thinking of it like an opponent I couldn’t even fight against.
I muttered to myself.
…Yes. If only I could take Ellen’s place.
I took it. It was cold. Surprised by its coldness, I put both hands around it.
I don’t know why it startled me.
“…Ellen?”
Ellen smiled in her usual way, then said “Thank you.”
She quietly said, “You’re so kind, Viola.”
The words had sort of just spilled out, but it wasn’t a lie. I smiled and held her hand tighter.
But her expression didn’t change, and I knew something else was making her eyes water.
“It’s like a dream that you’d be friends with little old me…”
She slowly blinked. It pushed a big tear out of her eye, soon soaked up by the bandages wrapped around her face.
“Don’t talk like you’re "little old me.” You’re sick, Ellen, but that’s not all you are. That doesn’t make you any different from other children.“
She knit her brows.
Ellen listened to my every word. Then she shook her head. It was very slight.
“No.”
“Because I’m going to die soon.”
My hands gripping hers trembled.
“…Why do you… say that…?”
“The doctor said so. He said I’d die soon. Like he knew for sure. And he sounded happy. Why did he sound so happy? But I know why. I… Once I die, the doctor won’t have to bother with me anymore. He won’t have to begrudgingly replace my bandages, do all my… all the things he goes through for me anymore.”
I shook my head, looking at Ellen in disbelief. I was filled with hate for the doctor who would say such heartless things to a sick child, and pity for the girl who gave up and accepted it all.
She went on.
“What are you saying?!”
“That’s not true. It’s not. Happy you’re dead… they couldn’t be. I don’t know your father and mother, Ellen, but… there’s no way they could be happy their own daughter died. …They don’t want you to die, they want you to live… That’s why they’re having you get better here, isn’t it? They put you in this house so you’d get better, right?”
It was a face that had given up on everything. She didn’t seem to be looking at me, but through me into the distance.
“So my father and mother won’t come see me, will they? They won’t come because I’m sick. They won’t look at me. They’ll abandon me. …They didn’t put me here for my sake. They’re…”
“Hiding me.”
I felt that carried many meanings.
Everyone knows Ellen?
“…You didn’t know me either, did you, Viola?”
I closed my mouth as if it had been punched.
There was a ringing in my ears.
The villagers were paid to keep it secret. I could feel myself tracing the adults’ thought process.
An unpleasant feeling spread through my whole body.
As if guessing my thoughts, she looked at me with upturned eyes.
“Don’t say that,” I pleaded, holding her hand tighter.
I just didn’t want to hear any more. About how my father, with the other villagers, might have worked together to hide her. But I didn’t realize that was the real reason.
I was confused.
She had thought about things more than I realized. Living alone for so long, she had come to understand some things, and she had come to accept being alone.
For now, I had to think only about her.
That was the undiluted truth.
“Hm…”
Perhaps my feelings had come through; I felt the dark mist in her eyes parting.
“You know…”
“Even if I can’t leave here, and… even if no one notices me. Even if no one plays with me. …And even if I’m not cured…”
With her usual honest eyes.
“Ellen…”
And then, as if falling over, she feebly hugged me. It really was lacking in energy, so I caught and firmly hugged her in return.
Ellen buried her face in my neck like a child clinging to her mother. And her whole body trembling, she whispered.
Those words vibrated not in my ear, but my bones, shaking my very core. The backs of my eyes warmed up, and instead of replying, I held her shoulder.
What an honest girl.
But why couldn’t I voice it directly? Maybe I was embarrassed. Or maybe I was still concerned about father.
At any rate, while I couldn’t say it, it didn’t change that I did love her. So instead, I continued to tenderly hug her.
She accepted the short remainder of her life, but I couldn’t. What would I do?
It was always this way.
I closed my eyes tight. I felt a tear come out and roll down my cheek.
If only I could share half that pain and walk with her.
Ellen’s parents. They might have already abandoned her entirely.
If only they just came to visit. Just a hug would save this girl’s heart. Why could they not even do that for her?
I felt an estrangement from the world of adults.
Perhaps it was closer to disappointment.
And only we knew the truth.
This space between the chair and bed was my and Ellen’s sacred place, never to be intruded upon.
Meeoh.
women who don’t know they’re loved.
I hate…
I thought I left Ellen’s house with time to spare, but by the time I exited the forest, the sun had fully set.
I didn’t feel the night path, which I usually found eerie, was at all scary. I felt my heart had gotten stronger.
Since I’d started going to Ellen’s house, there had been many days I’d come home late. It seemed to be reaching father’s limits.
…The villagers are hiding me.
“Hey! Viola!”
The food father prepared had gone cold.
Father was first to break the silence.
“…”
“…”
“XXXX’s place.”
I promptly looked up.
My face probably showed disdain. My father briefly faltered, then frowned as if saying “fine, then.”
I felt my face heat up.
He was so over-protective. That embarrassment gradually turned to irritation.
“Where are you going?”
“Then who?”
After saying it, I quickly looked for a change in father’s expression.
“Ellen…? Is there such a girl?”
So he didn’t know?
Because maybe he was just pretending he didn’t know.
I was staring at him, so he gave me a weird look.
It seemed somehow antagonistic, and I felt unpleasant.
“Hiding what?”
Father put down his spoon and was silent. Had he thought of something? Or maybe he hadn’t, and was thinking.
“What’re you talking about, Viola? Why would that be?”
He looked a little concerned.
I thought back on Ellen, and endured it.
I asked at father and asked.
“Well, because…”
“… …Because it’s dangerous. The roads aren’t clear, there are beasts… Of course it’s dangerous.”
As I stayed silent, father suddenly sharpened his eyes.
My shoulders stiffened. Because I thought I was the one blaming him. Suddenly being blamed myself, I was bewildered.
Well, it was. But why was he mad? Surely, then, the villagers were hiding her. They didn’t say that warning out of concern for me, but to hide that sick child - were they afraid the children would figure that out?
Still staring at father, I shook my head.
I looked down.
“I see…”
I wish he’d just tell me. But I was glad it didn’t turn into an argument. It seemed contradictory that I was satisfied with that.
Tick, tock, the clock quietly resounded.
I didn’t feel like eating anymore and got out of my chair, turning to my room.
I hesitated briefly when he called me. But I didn’t turn around, went into my room, and locked the door.
I thought back on what I’d said.
I’d lied.
The truth was, it was in the forest. And maybe it’d be more accurate to say it was deep in the forest.
I was scared of him knowing the truth.
I thought my father was scary when he condemned me. Yet he was always so kind. I wanted to believe him. But he didn’t understand.
I’m sorry, Ellen. I wasn’t brave enough to say it. I couldn’t confirm that you existed.
But that’s why - that’s why I’ll be with you to the end. Beside you, always being your friend. I won’t let you be lonely.
I stopped grabbing my pillow so tightly, and fell asleep.
6
The next morning.
I was accustomed to waking up alone in the morning, but I felt down, likely because of our fight yesterday.
I thought about yesterday.
…About Ellen.
I wouldn’t talk to all the villagers, but I would talk to father. Maybe we could even go visit her together.
Yes, that must be it.
I picked it up.
He must have written it last night, or else this morning.
I heard my heart beat fast with unease.
I’ll read it later, I thought, stuffing it in the pocket of my skirt and leaving the house.
In the forest.
They were to make her happy. I picked flowers with bright, strong colors, so even her worsening eyes could see them. Nice-smelling ones were good, too.
In no time, the basket was filled with brilliant flowers.
“Oww!”
Boy, how unlucky.
In the middle of the path surrounded by trees, the black cat sat looking at me.
The wind blew between the black cat and I.
Yo? Did this black cat just say “yo”?
“Thanks for being friends with Ellen.”
“But y'know, I’m a better friend to her than you.”
“Kitty… You can talk?”
“Because she uses magic.”
“Yes, magic.”
This cat could talk thanks to Ellen’s magic?
Thinking back on it, it was this cat who invited me to the house.
The image of Ellen and the black cat talking in her room came to mind. It seemed more fantastical than it did eerie.
The black cat tilted his head sharply, perhaps not expecting that response.
I nodded.
The black cat snorted with boredom. Then he spoke cheerfully.
“Why…?”
“‘Cause you felt sorry for her?”
The wind whistled between the black cat and I.
I opened my lips at once. But I couldn’t get the words out right away. My head heated up, as if the black cat’s words were invading my brain, and I panicked.
”…That’s not true. I mean, yes, I felt sorry for her at first. But before long, I really ended up being Ellen’s friend.“
Despite sitting lower than me, the black cat lightly raised his chin as if looking down on me.
“I just thought that myself.”
“Hmph. Well, all right.”&nbs